Mirror.. (10)

I spent the next five days in bed, I lost track of time, I slept all day and only woke up to shower and pray, I hardly ate anything during that time, all I did was cry and sleep. In my dreams everything was still ok, he still loved me, we were still together and I never mentioned anything about marriage.

During the short intervals in which I was awake, I tried to rationalise what happened, and I reached the conclusion that I deserved this. For two years he was faithful to me and for two years I played around; this was karma, pure and simple. Now that I realised that I’m in love with him, it turns out that it was never meant to be, I had it coming really.

On the fifth day I was still in my semi-comatose condition, my best friend Sara came over, apparently she got worried when she kept calling me only to find my phone directly going to voicemail, so she called my mum who in turn voiced her concerns on my condition. Of course neither of them knew what was going on. Sara kept knocking on the door until I somehow dragged myself out of bed and opened the door for her.

“Haaaaaa? Shtaboon? I’m asleep! Doesn’t anyone understand the concept of privacy nowadays?” I mumbled as I stumbled around the dark room until I found my way back to my bed.
“Are you mad? You had me worried sick! You’re phone is switched off, your mother has been crying for the past five days because she has no idea what’s going on with you, she’s blaming herself because she thinks that you’re doing this because of a proposal! 7ala what the hell is going on?” she said as she switched on the lights and walked over to me.
“Ya Allah Sara!! Why did you switch on the lights?” I yelled as I squeezed my eyes shut, I have been living in darkness for the past five days and my eyes were unaccustomed to light, “o ba3dain I don’t want to talk to anyone, if I did I would’ve switched on my phone!”
“7ala what’s wrong? Come on spill” she asked, clearly concerned.
“What’s wrong? Everything is wrong. I am wrong.” I whispered as I broke down on her lap, sobbing, and telling her what happened between my gasps. When I was done, I looked up at her and she was just staring straight ahead,
“7ala I’m so sorry, kela minny I introduced you to him” she whispered,
“La come on Saro, you didn’t know, you wanted what’s good for me” I replied hugging her, “bs you know I deserve it, now I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. I did it over and over again, now I’m getting a taste of my own medicine..”
“Don’t say that..”
“It’s the truth Saro..”
“No it’s not. No one deserves to feel this way, and you definitely don’t. Laken ana baraweeh il7mar”
“No Sara please, 5ala9 I want him out of my life. I needed this time to clear my head, to mourn the relationship, but now it’s over, I want him out of my life, I want all of them out of my life actually. 5ala9 I’m done.”
“7ala..”
“No wallah I’m serious. I’m deleting his numbers, his emails, his BBMs.. everything.. I don’t want to remember his existence in my life. It’s a page that I’m turning over”
“I guess you’re right, but shway you’re scaring me”
“Why?”
“I’ve never seen you like this, all broken up over a guy”
“I guess this is how it feels like to have feelings”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It sucks. Never get feelings Saro” I said attempting a smile.
“Hehehe 7abeebty” she said hugging me again.

An hour later I was out of bed, dressed in the most decent thing I can find and since I haven’t been eating for five days my clothes were hanging off me.

I walked out of my room to find my parents in the living room, whispering together and both going quiet as soon as they saw me. I squeezed myself between the two of them and snuggled against my father putting my head on his shoulder,
“Baba..”
“Ha baba?”
“Baba I think I want to do something useful with my life”
“Like what 7abeebty?”
“Hmm.. I don’t know.. I need to think about it.. bs I’m toying with the idea of an art gallery, there aren’t many around Doha and if I come up with the right concept I think it will be very successful”
“I agree, start working on your research and concept and we’ll find you a location”
“Thank you baba,” I said hugging him and jumping off the sofa.

I went back to my room and rifled through my handbag to find my phone, I switched it on to see if I have any messages. As soon as I switched it on I started receiving the missed call messages and BBMs,

124 missed calls from Saif.

Saif: Please don’t do this 7ala I love you
Saif: Please don’t shut me out
Saif: Wallah I would do anything for you
Saif: Please don’t misunderstand me, just listen to me and give me a chance to explain
Saif: I know you think what I said was awful, but I can’t put my family through such a struggle. I know they want me to marry my cousin and I’ve been putting off the engagement for a year because I want to see you settled and happy first
Saif: 7ala please just switch on your phone, I’m worried about you
Saif: Just tell me you’re ok, I don’t want anything else, I love you, wallah il3a’6eem I love you
Saif: Please just tell me you’re ok

I read through his messages, all repeating the same meaningless words, he didn’t mean to hurt me, he loved me, he wanted to see me happy.

All bullshit.

I scrolled down the messages, a part of me not believing that this is it, this is the end, no more Saif, you know the feeling you got when you were a kid the first time your parents took off the training wheels from your bicycle? This is how I felt, unstable, unprepared and scared, I lost Saif, I lost my safety net, now if I fell he won’t be behind me to catch me.

I went back to my BB messenger, going through my list of contacts until I reached his name.

Saif

I slowly clicked on Delete Contact.

Are you sure?

Was I?

I didn’t know; but I pressed that button. I guess now is the time to find out.