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Hello, My name is.. (19)

Dear Diary,
It's been two days and he still didn't call me. I called him like a hundred times and he still wouldn't answer.. ma teswa 3alay ya3ny!
I went to see the girls the other day to tell them what happened, as soon as Dana heard she left us and went to talk to Ahmed, she explained the whole situation and that it meant nothing, it was just a joke and I was being childish, he said he understood that, he just doesn't understand why I didn't tell him. To be honest this is not making any sense to me. Dana says that he's being an ass and that he does get like that some times, he used to do that with his ex.
Well I can't take that. The girls are telling me to ignore him and that I shouldn't call him because I didn't do anything wrong. Technically I did but come on is it really that big of a deal?
It's so weird how Dana is acting though, I thought she would see this fight as an opportunity, deep down all of us thought so, we were quick to judge her the other day when she ran to him as soon as she heard, all thinking inha ra7at tzeed il6een ballah, but apparently not. I'm starting to really like this girl.
Hmm I was kinda depressed for the past two days, but today not so much. That's weird right? I'm supposed to be all depressed and crying wishing for him to come over with a bunch of roses, but I'm really not. I'm actually starting to get pissed off. What kind of a relationship is this? Does he expect me to tell him every single detail in my life? I'm not like that. I mean I tried to change myself so much for him but I can't anymore. I can't pretend all the time that I'm rosy and happy because in reality sometimes I can be, but most of the time I'm moody and dark. Also I'm entitled to some freedom right? God I'm getting even more pissed off as I write this.
Speaking of dark and moody, guess who I bumped into yesterday?
Yes, S3ood.
Uff 9ij he's hot!
I was in my pyjamas as usual doing my late night shopping in Sainsbury's with Juju and Nooreya giggling on the chocolate and biscuits aisle when he passed by us, gave us an indifferent look and continued towards the baked goods. I think my jaw dropped to the floor, and Nooreya was drooling shway, whispering "hot, hot, hot" we told her that this was the infamous S3ood and she decided that I should dump Ahmed and move on to S3ood, ok let me share a direct quote because this was good,
"Nooreya! I'm not a slut jumping from one to the other! Besides Ahmed is hot ba3ad.."
"Hmm.. yeah well.. Ahmed is like galaxy chocolate, good but available and cheap, so you kinda binge on him and then feel sick.. S3ood is like fauchon chocolate, expensive and hard to find, but oh so yummy"
Do you think so? Do you think I'm sick of Ahmed?
That really left me thinking, was he too available to me? Really? I mean yeah things happened fast, but I liked it, he was nice, stable, reliable, and God know I need reliable with my family history! My parents don't even know I exist, they never made a promise that they kept, my mother lives from party to party and my dad from one business meeting to another, never with enough time for me, so I grew up alone. Well not entirely, I grew up with my brothers and sisters, but each one has their own world, our own friends and our parents think that if we have enough money then we have no problems.
I've never been taken care of, Ahmed did that to me. I felt safe with him, I felt loved. But sometimes I felt suffocated. Like the time I had a fight with Juju, I didn't know how to put a limit on his love, maybe because I never had to. I've always been a self sufficient person, never had to depend on anyone and I get a feeling that he doesn't like that, he wants me to depend on him, he doesn't like that I'm not this girly girl, and I don't think I can be that.
Is that why I'm not depressed? Do I feel relieved? Don't I want him in my life? After all this, after breaking Dana's heart? Really?
I'm confused.
Is this because of S3ood? I don't think so. I think this fight has just opened my eyes a bit. I was living in dream land for a while.
This is not helping, the more I write to you the more confused I get!
Until next time..