If you saw me now.. (5)

If you saw me now...

Would you feel sorry for me?

I just got home, I was out with Mesha3el and I supposedly had fun; actually I did, but K, I can’t be alone anymore.

I’m sitting in my room, all alone, and I have the urge to talk, to anyone. I pick up my phone and my fingers automatically dial your number, but the other side is forever silent, forever gone. 

I need you K.

I look in the mirror and there’s nothing wrong with the image in front of me, she smiles, she has shiny hair, nice skin, but dull eyes. 

I don’t want dull eyes anymore.

Here I am sitting, fully dressed, my red lipstick on, my long hair flowing, just the way you liked to see me, and yet where are you? I started going through your old pictures, looking at you smile, revisiting the life we shared, and yet I cannot help but feel like I’m looking at a stranger. Someone I used to know a long time ago, but no longer have a connection with.

I hate feeling this way K, that’s why I’m writing to you now, because I want that connection back, but it’s not possible is it? You’re gone, long gone, and I have to accept it. I have to learn to stop dialling your number, stop calling your name when I wake up scared at night, stop talking to you as if you will answer me.

I can’t, I won’t erase you but I can’t keep doing this. I have no energy left, I cannot go on without you. I feel so alone, life is cold without you K, and I don’t want to feel cold anymore.

As always,

I long for you my love.