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The old me..

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Or so my friends told me.

I should be happy, no one dies of a broken heart, I deserve better, I should be with someone who appreciates me, I should be with someone who could stand up for our love.

Hollow words; they don’t know.

Define kill.

Maybe the killing is not in the literal sense, because trust me, I truly do believe that it did kill me.

If the equation works then mathematically the result should be, not dead = stronger. Since I’m not literally dead, I should be stronger.

But I’m not stronger, I’m so weak I cry nearly everyday, I cry when I read the news, I cry when I watch TV, I even cry spontaneously.

That’s not me, so I guess it did kill me. It killed my strength, my confidence, my arrogance.

It killed my spirit.

I look at myself in the mirror and I’m no longer me, I read what I used to write and it seems like a different life, like I was living someone else’s life. I want to be back in my old body, I don’t like my new one, I so desperately want my old self back, she was a better me, she lived my life better than me.

She was happy.

I want the happy me.

Mirror.. (25)

“Ya 3yoona”
“Shfeech 7abeeby? Are you ok? You look worried, don’t be worried 7abeeby Sara said everything should be ok.”
“Yeah, no no I’m not worried about that. I just, I don’t know..”

How was I supposed to tell him about my decision when he was looking at me like this? How was I supposed to tell him when he was holding both my hands in his, rubbing my wrist with his thumb, sending my heart into overdrive so that the sound of my blood rushing around my body was drowning all my thoughts.

“Shfeech 7abeeby? You’re getting me worried”
“I can’t breathe.”
“Did you see a doctor? What’s wrong? What do you feel?”
“No no, it’s not.. it has nothing to do with a doctor.. I just.. it’s..”

He looked at me, realization hitting him, his eyes, as if the light was switched off in them.

“I can’t breathe” I whispered again.

“Saif I’m..”
“No, I won’t let you do this” but he let go of my hands. I could feel the tears dropping down my face, the weight lifting off my chest. I took in a huge breath,
“See? I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe..”
“STOP!” he yelled at me banging the table “I said I won’t let you do this, you drag me all the way to London to tell me you’re dumping me? You put me through hell, no you put my family through hell to now tell me you don’t want this? No, no, no! I will not let you sabotage this, I will not allow you to break us apart, because you, you don’t know what you want! You’re a spoilt child who doesn’t know a good thing when she sees it. So stop crying, wash your face, we’re getting married whether you like it or not!”

My sobs shook my body, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand that I love him so much, I love him enough to not want him to be with someone like me, I want him to be with someone who loves him more than I love myself. He doesn’t know the real me.

“You don’t understand.. you don’t know me! Talal is not Sara’s boyfriend he was mine! well he's hers now but, but I knew him and I knew others! You deserve better, you shouldn’t end up with someone like me, someone broken you shouldn’t..”

“I said shut up.” He was so calm, so cold. “I knew you knew others before, it was obvious, I’m not an idiot. I didn’t think you’d have the audacity to still be with them.."
“No, no nooo.. no I’m not I swear I’m not, I just, you deserve better.. and I can’t breathe Saif I can’t. I swear, I don’t know, I’m so happy yet I feel like something bad is about to happen, I thought it was Talal  but it’s not, it’s you. I don’t deserve you and I don’t want you to leave me but if you will leave me then leave me now, so I know, so I can breathe again. I can’t do this, I feel like I don’t.. I can’t be happy, this is all too good and I don’t know good, nothing good ever happens to me..”

“We’re getting married. Shut up.”

And then I breathed. 

Mirror.. (24)

I can’t breathe.

I woke up this morning with a heavy feeling in my chest. No, I’m lying, it wasn’t a heavy feeling, it was like a physical pain. I took deep breaths like Sara told me to but they did nothing to the pain.

I can’t breathe.

I think I’m dying.

So I tell Sara that I think I’m dying and she just laughs and tells me that I’m being a drama queen as usual. No I’m not, she doesn’t understand. I feel a physical pain in my chest, I feel like my whole world is about to fall apart, everything, everything feels like it’s going to come crashing down around me.

I can’t breathe.

We’re in the hospital lobby waiting to see Talal’s doctor, they told us we should be going through in five minutes. God, he’s sick and I can’t breathe.

His name was called; I took 3 deep breaths and smiled calmly at him, somehow got up and walked in to the doctor’s office.

3 more deep breaths as I sat down, squeezing Sara’s hand in mine, watching Talal as he fakes calmness.

Another deep breath, the doctor starts with a smile, reassures us everything will be ok, the doctors in Saudi were right, the mass did exist but it was smaller than they had anticipated and therefore removal should not be complicated, they can schedule surgery within the week and that we most likely should not have anything to worry about.

Talal smiles, Sara has tears in her eyes and Saif is waiting for me at the hotel; I should be happy.

But I still can’t breathe.