I sat on my bed staring at my phone, the letters in front of me not making sense; it was like I was reading a language I didn’t know, didn’t understand. I felt detached, just as if I was looking at myself from above; the girl sitting on the bed, staring incomprehensibly at her phone, her knuckles white as her fingers strained from clutching the gadget in her hand.
I felt numb.
I slowly unwrapped my fingers from around the phone and set it down on my side table. I could feel my breath quickening as the message started to sink in, what does he want from me? Should I answer?
I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying to slow down my racing heartbeats. I’ve been strong for so long, I won’t ruin it now, I decided as I felt the warm tears cascading down my face.
Reply
I miss you.
I miss you.
Shit why did I do that? I thought to myself when my phone instantly started ringing,
Incoming call
+97150.......
+97150.......
“Aloo” I whispered,
“I miss you.”
“We shouldn’t be talking to each other”
“Why not?”
“Because you don’t want me Saif” I replied, trying to stop my tears and failing miserably,
“You know that’s not true,”
“Then talk to them Saif, do something, don’t be so negative.”
“I wish it was that simple.”
“Then what are we doing? We shouldn’t be having this conversation, you shouldn’t be calling me, I shouldn’t be crying because you don’t deserve my tears!”
“Because I can’t be without you.”
“And you think the past six months have been easy on me?”
“Whatever you have been feeling, multiply that by a hundred and you might get an idea of how I feel 7ala. I can’t anymore, I pretend that I’m ok when I’m not, and I can’t pretend 7ala, I can’t pretend that I don’t dream of you, I can’t pretend that the two days that I spent with you are the happiest days of my life. I can’t pretend that I don’t dial your number everyday a thousand times and then back off at the last minute before pressing the call button. It should be easy for me to say that I’m ok, but it’s not, I can’t deny that everyday...” he stopped taking in a deep breath, “everyday I wish I can go back in time, and just stop it at where we were happy.”
“It doesn’t work like that Saif. I can lie to myself and get back to you until one of us gets married or whatever, but we would only be cheating ourselves. We would only be delaying the heartbreak. We both know that. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to stay away from you and trust me when I say this has been the toughest thing I have ever done... Saif, you know me more than anyone, you know how spoilt I am, how weak I am, so you can’t let me do this alone, you have to help me. You have to stay away, Saif please. Please don’t break my heart anymore.”
“I can’t live without you.”
“Yes you can, we both can.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” I said as I kissed the phone, ending the conversation with the only person I ever loved more than myself.
“I miss you.”
“We shouldn’t be talking to each other”
“Why not?”
“Because you don’t want me Saif” I replied, trying to stop my tears and failing miserably,
“You know that’s not true,”
“Then talk to them Saif, do something, don’t be so negative.”
“I wish it was that simple.”
“Then what are we doing? We shouldn’t be having this conversation, you shouldn’t be calling me, I shouldn’t be crying because you don’t deserve my tears!”
“Because I can’t be without you.”
“And you think the past six months have been easy on me?”
“Whatever you have been feeling, multiply that by a hundred and you might get an idea of how I feel 7ala. I can’t anymore, I pretend that I’m ok when I’m not, and I can’t pretend 7ala, I can’t pretend that I don’t dream of you, I can’t pretend that the two days that I spent with you are the happiest days of my life. I can’t pretend that I don’t dial your number everyday a thousand times and then back off at the last minute before pressing the call button. It should be easy for me to say that I’m ok, but it’s not, I can’t deny that everyday...” he stopped taking in a deep breath, “everyday I wish I can go back in time, and just stop it at where we were happy.”
“It doesn’t work like that Saif. I can lie to myself and get back to you until one of us gets married or whatever, but we would only be cheating ourselves. We would only be delaying the heartbreak. We both know that. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to stay away from you and trust me when I say this has been the toughest thing I have ever done... Saif, you know me more than anyone, you know how spoilt I am, how weak I am, so you can’t let me do this alone, you have to help me. You have to stay away, Saif please. Please don’t break my heart anymore.”
“I can’t live without you.”
“Yes you can, we both can.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” I said as I kissed the phone, ending the conversation with the only person I ever loved more than myself.
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