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Hello, My name is.. (55)

Dear Diary,
We arrived last night and so much has happened in such a short time. I feel overwhelmed, like I can't breathe.
I literally can't breathe.
Every breath tears through my heart, bringing pain that I cannot bare.
How can the one person you want, you love, you need, hurt you so much? How can he not see? How can he not know?
This morning I woke up early, I actually couldn't sleep well, so I woke up and decided to go for a walk, to relieve my stress. I really didn't want to see S3ood but I knew I'll have to since 3abdallah said that he'll be having lunch with us today. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a tshirt and walked out of the flat to bump into S3ood. Great. The one person I'm trying to avoid I bump into as soon as I walk out of my flat.
"Good morning" I whispered looking at my feet, I can't see him, I don't want to see him,
"Hi" he said and kept staring at me, I could feel his eyes on me,
"Umm.. sorry I was going for a walk" I said starting to walk away,
"Can I join you?"
"Umm.. ok if you want to"
We walked out of the building quietly, the weather reflected my mood, it was grey and cold for august. I hugged my self tightly as walked,
"Are you cold?"
"No I'm fine"
"Here take my jacket"
"No I'm fine"
We walked briskly across the street heading towards the park, I needed to be alone, I didn't know why he was with me, and I didn't want him to be. I tried to show that by walking quickly, but he matched my pace easily.
"How was Cannes?"
"Good" I replied,
"You have a nice tan"
"Thank you"
We kept walking quietly until I couldn't hold it in any longer,
"Why didn't you stay?" I asked,
"What? Where?" he asked, obviously confused,
"In Cannes, you came, why didn't you stay?"
"I don't understand, what do you mean? I was in London"
"Don't lie!! Stop lying to me! I SAW you!"
"I SAW YOU!" he yelled back,
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You were with that guy!"
"HE'S MY FRIEND!! Don't you understand that concept?"
"I do! But with you I don't! You look so sweet and innocent, and yet everytime I look around I find a guy holding you, or staring at you, and God does that feel like shit!"
"Why? Why does it feel like shit S3ood? Tell me!"
"Because.. because it does! Can't you see? Don't you know? Make up your mind! Everytime I see you, you're with someone else!"
"Hah! Make up my mind!! What about you? What about the love of your life? What about Meera? Where is she? What is she? And what am I? It bothers you that you see me with other people, why? Why does it bother you?"
He suddenly held me from my arms and looked into my face,
"Keep Meera out of this, you're different"
"Why am I different? Who am I to you?"
"Noor, you don't understand.. I.."
"You're what? Say it, for God's sake say it! Why is it so difficult?"
"Because it is, you don't know!"
"S3ood! Say it, tell me how you feel! Please tell me how you feel!"
He let go of me and just stood there looking at me,
"You don't understand.. You're too young and what if.."
"What if what? S3ood! I'm not too young! What are you worried about? That I find someone else?"
"What if you do?"
"I won't!" I screamed at him,
"You don't know that, you can't guarantee that!"
"You can't guarantee anything either, I might drop dead in 5 minutes, that doesn't mean that I stop living! S3ood you're not making sense at all!"
"I am.. you don't understand!"
"No I do! She hurt you so much you can't see, you can't see that I love you, that I want to be with you, that I don't care about anyone else, that a word from you means more to me than anything in the world, that you're all I can see, all I can think of and so much more! S3ood! You want commitment? I'll give you commitment,"
we were standing in the middle of the park, yelling at each other,
"Marry me." I said quietly,
"You want me to show you that I'm committed? Well I am. Marry me. I'm ready to be with you, for the rest of my life." I said calmly, while my heart was racing inside my chest,
"Noor are you crazy?"
"No I'm not! Marry me S3ood!"
"No, I can't do this, you're not ready, you're too young!"
"Don't use my age as an excuse! You keep telling me that I'm young and immature, when in reality it's you who's not ready to commit, it's you who doesn't know what he wants, I obviously do, and I said it."
"Noor I.."
"Go back to her S3ood, you don't know what you want, and I can't be with someone like that. Go back to her!"
"I don't want to see you right now S3ood, please leave me alone, this conversation shouldn't have happened, I wanted to be alone and you came, please go away I can't take this anymore, you humiliated me, what more do you want? You said you wanted commitment, you wanted me to be sure and then you threw it back in my face, how much more sure do want me to be? The problem is not in me the problem is you! S3ood go away go away!" I said pushing him away.
He kept staring at me for a few minutes, then simply turned and walked away.
I don't know how long I stood in that spot, but I knew that I reached home drenched with rain water.
I feel tired and defeated.
I'm done fighting for someone who doesn't know what he wants, and I'm done waiting for him.
Until next time..