Hello, My name is.. (25)

Dear Diary,

The past two weeks have been hectic, I've been really busy with coursework and essays since my parents were coming, my father has been feeling better but he wanted to see his doctor here to make sure everything was ok, he was also told that he should relax more, and what better way to relax than with his dearest daughter, yes, that's me. My parents arrived in London yesterday along with Fa6ma my sister, as I said before we were never close but I think what happened with the 3azeez situation forced us in some way to get to know eachother all over again, and I'm liking my cool older sister, so I'm glad she came. By the way she's watching me as I write this and she thinks the diary idea is cool, but she doesn't like the fact that I'm writing she thinks I should do it on the computer, somehow I think the computer makes it impersonal, although she made a good point, how many diaries do I expect to have by the end of my three years here?

I haven't heard from or seen Ahmed since that day, well not until today.

In some ways I'm relieved when he didn't call because honestly I'm not the confrontation type of person, I get angry and mean which is not something I want to do with Ahmed, I don't want to seem petty and mean so I would rather not say anything than say the wrong things. Am I making sense? I don't know it just seems easier to pretend like he never existed.

Then why does my heart pound everytime I see a tall sillhouette accross the courtyard in uni?

Ok so I do want to see him.

But again, I wish we didn't have to mention what happened, I wish we could just erase that night from our memories, but I know that can't happen. Not only because Ahmed probably thinks that I'm a the bitch who yelled at her father and told him that he'll take her money when he dies. Shit that sounds so bad, I cringe everytime I remember I said that, yesterday when my father arrived I literally couldn't look him in the eye. He laughed when I apologised and started crying, he said that I get these sharp, angry retorts from him. I'm drifting off the subject here, back to Ahmed. The reason why I'm dreading seeing Ahmed is that although I still care about him, he will always be the guy that let me down, the guy that judged me at the point in my life where all I needed from him was not to be judgemental and to take care of me and accept me just the way I am, no questions asked. I know that could be a lot to ask, but I honestly believe that I would've done that for him.

I have been imagining the moment we meet after the fight for the past two weeks. I thought I'd see him in uni and I actually looked around for him, I asked Dana about him I knew she was seeing him last weekend because Fahad was here and they all went out together. I asked her how he was doing and she said fine. Juju yelled at me and told me that I shouldn't care, but I can't help but care. How could I not? I want the Ahmed that took me out on my first date, the Ahmed that couldn't keep his hand away from mine even when driving, the Ahmed that wanted to spend every minute with me.

Not the Ahmed with the cold eyes I saw today.

I was shopping with Fa6oom and my mother in Harrod's and we were walking out of the jewellery room into the food court with my mother, who at that moment decided that she'd had enough shopping and that she'll go check on my father, so we called the driver and he came inside to pick up our bags and walk my mother to the car, I was standing by the door next to the pizzeria when Fa6oom nudged me,
"Nooro choofy iljameel ily hnak shlon ga3ed y6al3ech"
"Men? Wain? Ay jameel?" I said looking around,
"Nooro! mub ashkara chethy! lain meta ba3alem feech?"
"Hehehe waina ma achoof 7ad?"
"Akoo warach"
I turned around and my eyes were locked with his. His eyes held the same disgusted look they had that day. I felt the blood rushing to my face, and small sweat beads forming on my forehead. I suddenly felt suffocated, I felt the place getting overcrowded, like everything was closing in on me. Shit does he really hate me this much?
"Noor? Noor?" My sister's cold hand shaking me brought me back to reality, I smiled at her concerned eyes,
"Ha?"
"Shfeech?"
"Wala shay, yallah imshy 5al ne6la3 mn hne I'm hungry let's go eat somewhere"
"Nooro men hay?"
"Wa7ed.. ma3ay fe iljam3a"
"Nooro? Mub 3alay hal7arakat.. wallah manteeb hayna"
"Hehehe" I laughed nervously,
"Ok spill. Why was he looking at you like that?"
So I told her everything.

I felt so much better after telling her, she hugged me and told me to forget about him, because at the first problem he didn't stand by me, he was not someone who I could trust and no relationship can work without trust, no matter how much you care about the other person. I think I agree with her, but I can't help missing him.

Do you think he misses me too?

Until next time..