Dear Diary,
I can't believe how quickly time is passing. My third semester here is ending soon, yes, it's nearly Christmas and I honestly cannot believe that I'm half way through my time here in London. When I first came here I was filled with dread, I dreaded my new life, I dreaded losing my friend Juju to new friends, I dreaded change. I have found that no matter how much I wish I could stop time, I can't. No matter how much I held on to my sheltered life, with my closed circle of friends there will come a time when that circle will be broken, because if it wasn't me letting go then it would be someone else and by that my shield would be broken and I would have to face my worst fear. Change.
Today I walked through the crowded streets of London with a wide smile on my face, today I realised that even though I've had a tough time the past year and a half, I have grown a lot. I'm no longer that starry eyed teenager, who thought life was as simple as waking up, studying, getting good grades and graduating. I'm no longer the person who lived her life walking a straight line, and not turning around to look at what she's passing. Now I've become a woman, a woman who loved, a woman who held her heart in her hands and gave it to someone, someone who didn't want it. A woman who learned from her mistakes, a woman who is no longer afraid.
I breathed in deeply and let the cold, dry London air fill my lungs and I pushed the big, heavy glass door, and my nose was instantly filled with the smell of freshly baked donuts, my eyes tantalised by all the different colours and shapes displayed infront of me. I felt like Alice in Wonderland, the magnificance of this place never dissapoints me. My smile growing wider I walked through the Harrod's food court heading towards Ahmed.
"Ha wainich te2a5arty?" he said warming my cold fingers in his big hands, how is it that I let this good man slip from between my fingers, I wondered as I continued to look at him stupidly.
"Hello.. Noor? Are you in there?" he laughed knocking on my head.
"Ayyy.. hey yadek 3oda! Y3awer!"
"Hahah you were not answering, I thought you had a concussion or something"
"So you thought you were helping by shaking my brain even more?"
"Hahah ok sorry, sorry. What took you so long? You're late to your shopping spree!"
"I decided to walk here, so I took longer than I expected" I said smiling.
"Fe halbard? Are you crazy?"
"Sh3ad? Ilmashy ydafy"
"Maynoona, ok yallah I understand you have a lot of shopping to do"
"Yes, yes, ofcourse. First the shoes, come on, get a move on."
I was going back to Doha in 3 days and had a lot of major shopping to do, so Ahmed volunteered to be my walking coat hanger, he'll carry all the bags, then we dump them in his car and continue shopping. I tell you, this guy is unbelievable.
"Ha wainich te2a5arty?" he said warming my cold fingers in his big hands, how is it that I let this good man slip from between my fingers, I wondered as I continued to look at him stupidly.
"Hello.. Noor? Are you in there?" he laughed knocking on my head.
"Ayyy.. hey yadek 3oda! Y3awer!"
"Hahah you were not answering, I thought you had a concussion or something"
"So you thought you were helping by shaking my brain even more?"
"Hahah ok sorry, sorry. What took you so long? You're late to your shopping spree!"
"I decided to walk here, so I took longer than I expected" I said smiling.
"Fe halbard? Are you crazy?"
"Sh3ad? Ilmashy ydafy"
"Maynoona, ok yallah I understand you have a lot of shopping to do"
"Yes, yes, ofcourse. First the shoes, come on, get a move on."
I was going back to Doha in 3 days and had a lot of major shopping to do, so Ahmed volunteered to be my walking coat hanger, he'll carry all the bags, then we dump them in his car and continue shopping. I tell you, this guy is unbelievable.
After 3 hours of shopping, Ahmed was practically a giant green tree because of all the bags he was carrying, I had to also buy gifts for everyone, as well as those Harrod's cookies that I honestly don't think anyone eats but for some reason people keep buying everytime they go to London. I wonder why. I decided to treat us both with some Morelli's ice cream, I know it's cold and everything but hey, we don't get it in Doha so I have to eat as much as possible. Ahmed dropped the bags in his car quickly and came back for me as soon as I was stepping out of the store, we stood eating our ice cream and giggling like kids because everytime he took a bite out of his ice cream, his sensitive teeth would hurt and he screamed with pain, to anyone else it looked stupid but to us it was hillarious, my face was filled with tears and my sides ached but I was having fun.
Until I saw him. It was like a dark cloud suddenly covered the sun, and I felt a cold chill run down my spine, despite the layers of clothing I was wearing.
"Shfeech?"
"Nothing, S3ood is here, don't look, uff seeda you turn around? He saw us, shit he's coming towards us."
"It's ok Noor ya3ny eventually you'll see him, his brother is marrying your sister, what were you planning on doing? Boycotting family ocassions?"
"No, but I was hoping he would" I mumbled.
"Ilsalam 3alaikum" said S3ood as soon as he got close to us. His eyes on me felt so intense, yet I forced my self to look up, to keep my head up and to draw a smile on my face.
"3alaikum ilsalam S3ood, how are you? Haven't seen you in a long time" said Ahmed,
"B5air Allah ysalmek," he answered curtly, his gaze still on me,
"Ok Noor I'll meet you at the car," said Ahmed and fled to his car. He knew that this was something I had to do, and I had to do it alone.
"Sh7alech?"
"B5air Allah ysalmek. Int shlonik?"
"Good."
We stared at each other quietly for a few seconds, not knowing what to say, where to start. I missed him, I longed to be in his arms, but I had to be better than this, I had to be stronger than this. He's my sister's brother in law, nothing more.
"Noor I.."
"Yes?"
"I don't know how to say this, bs.."
"It's ok go ahead, tell me"
"Noor. We have to be civilised to each other atleast! Noor ana ma sawait shay!"
I was beyond shocked. I was beyond furious.
"What? What are you talking about? When was I not civilised to you?"
I didn't understand, what was he talking about?
"No it's not that.. shit that was not the right word to use.. Noor.. I can't keep living like this.. we can't keep doing this.. pretending that we're not part of each others lives.. your sister is marrying my brother.. we're connected whether you like it or not.. so the least we could do.. is be friends.. if not for us than for your sister and my brother.. do you realise how difficult this situation is for them? Splitting their time between us because you can't bear to be in the same room as me?"
"S3ood.. I.."
"Listen I know you hate me, but I honestly believe that I did nothing to deserve this hatred. My problems are my problems, my issues are my issues. You're too young to understand this, so I won't explain and frankly I don't think I owe you any explainations, but consider this a truce. For Fa6ma and 3abdallah"
"Ok"
"Ok?" he said, clearly shocked.
"Yeah," I said, my face felt numb, but I forced my self to smile, to show him that it really was ok.
"Shfeech?"
"Nothing, S3ood is here, don't look, uff seeda you turn around? He saw us, shit he's coming towards us."
"It's ok Noor ya3ny eventually you'll see him, his brother is marrying your sister, what were you planning on doing? Boycotting family ocassions?"
"No, but I was hoping he would" I mumbled.
"Ilsalam 3alaikum" said S3ood as soon as he got close to us. His eyes on me felt so intense, yet I forced my self to look up, to keep my head up and to draw a smile on my face.
"3alaikum ilsalam S3ood, how are you? Haven't seen you in a long time" said Ahmed,
"B5air Allah ysalmek," he answered curtly, his gaze still on me,
"Ok Noor I'll meet you at the car," said Ahmed and fled to his car. He knew that this was something I had to do, and I had to do it alone.
"Sh7alech?"
"B5air Allah ysalmek. Int shlonik?"
"Good."
We stared at each other quietly for a few seconds, not knowing what to say, where to start. I missed him, I longed to be in his arms, but I had to be better than this, I had to be stronger than this. He's my sister's brother in law, nothing more.
"Noor I.."
"Yes?"
"I don't know how to say this, bs.."
"It's ok go ahead, tell me"
"Noor. We have to be civilised to each other atleast! Noor ana ma sawait shay!"
I was beyond shocked. I was beyond furious.
"What? What are you talking about? When was I not civilised to you?"
I didn't understand, what was he talking about?
"No it's not that.. shit that was not the right word to use.. Noor.. I can't keep living like this.. we can't keep doing this.. pretending that we're not part of each others lives.. your sister is marrying my brother.. we're connected whether you like it or not.. so the least we could do.. is be friends.. if not for us than for your sister and my brother.. do you realise how difficult this situation is for them? Splitting their time between us because you can't bear to be in the same room as me?"
"S3ood.. I.."
"Listen I know you hate me, but I honestly believe that I did nothing to deserve this hatred. My problems are my problems, my issues are my issues. You're too young to understand this, so I won't explain and frankly I don't think I owe you any explainations, but consider this a truce. For Fa6ma and 3abdallah"
"Ok"
"Ok?" he said, clearly shocked.
"Yeah," I said, my face felt numb, but I forced my self to smile, to show him that it really was ok.
Lost in my relationship turmoil I never realised that I was being selfish, and that this must've been extremely difficult for the two people who were there for me from the begining. I pushed my cold hand towards him, and he took it in his, we shook hands on our agreement.
Today, I decided to embrace change. Today I decided to become friends with the man who broke my heart. Today the change is avoidable, but I can do it. I'm a woman who can deal with change, and face her demons.
Until next time..
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