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If you saw me now.. (2)

If you saw me now...
Would you recognise me?
I don’t think so. I’m no longer the chubby teenager you fell in love with; I’m very far from it actually. I don’t want to sound obnoxious but Khaled, honestly? I look hot. I look so hot in fact, that sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror in malls, and think “Oh mashallah, she looks really good” then I realise it’s me o aste7y. Yeah, I look that good, can you imagine? Your girlfriend is hot K.
I wish you were here to see me.
I still wear my hair long, just the way you like it. Remember how you would twirl a lock of my hair on your finger? Or the way you pulled my hair in Chemistry class? I miss those days, before you left to study abroad; before your car.
Asta’3fer Allah, I don’t want to remember.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... hmm... I think I have so much to tell you I don’t know where to start. A lot has happened during the past four years, I can’t believe I never thought of the letters idea! Ok I know it’s not the same as actually talking to you, but well, it’s close enough. It’s the best I can hope for right?
So, where do I start?
Oh yeah, obviously I graduated from university, and yes with honours. Don’t laugh and stop calling me a nerd. I can’t help it if I enjoy learning! Mesha3el also graduated, she also misses you by the way; sometimes something would happen and we would remember you, I swear I could tell it would be on the tip of her tongue, she would be just about to say how much you would love a movie or hate a song, and she would stop herself because she wouldn’t want to see me cry again. You know I feel guilty for being a bad friend to her, because my sadness has not given her a chance to grieve your loss. You were her friend too, not only my love.
Remember the time when in art class, the teacher asked us to close our eyes and draw what we saw? I still see your face when I close my eyes tight. You’re always laughing in my head, just like I was always sad in your head. Do you believe that the last image we remember of a person is the truest one? I do, at least I would like to believe that you are happy where you are. Can you hear my prayers? I still pray for you every day.
I’m still sad; remember the time we fought and you told me that I’ll never be happy because I don’t want to be happy? I’ll never forget that day. I cried so much, and blamed you for making me the way I am. That was the day we broke up for the first time, before you went to America. I blamed you for making me me, when in reality, this was how I was all along, I told you that no one would want to be around me now because you broke me, I became flawed; the day you came back to me, you told me that I might be the weirdest person on the planet, which by the way, I think I am, but in your eyes I was flawless. That day, I realised how much I loved you, I understood that we were more than high school sweethearts, and I saw that as flawed as I was, you were the only one who accepted me with no conditions.
But I no longer want to be flawed K. I’m tired without you, no one will ever be you, no one will ever replace you, but I am exhausted. I’m tired of being flawed, and not finding anyone who will accept me as I am.
As always,
I need you my love...