Dear Diary,
I woke up early this morning to find Fa6ma packing her suitcase, she's determined to leave tomorrow evening, naturally I'll be going with her. I knew she wasn't happy about leaving because she hasn't stopped crying since yesterday. Maybe she was testing 3abdallah to see what his reaction would be if she said she'll leave, and in my opinion he failed miserably, he simply walked out of the flat with no comments what so ever.
Is it really over?
I walked to her room and saw her packing all her stuff, she had already packed two suitcases and was clearing out the rest of her drawers into the third,
"Fa6oom ma 5alaity shay 7ag when we come back in September?"
"I'm not coming back"
"WHAT? What about your masters? I thought you wanted to do that?"
"I still do, but not necessarily now, there's always next year. Iljam3a ma bet6eer"
"Fa6ma are you serious?"
"Yes, I will defer to next year, 3adi people always do that, you'll still be here fa it won't make a difference whether it was this year or the next"
"Fa6oom ma 5alaity shay 7ag when we come back in September?"
"I'm not coming back"
"WHAT? What about your masters? I thought you wanted to do that?"
"I still do, but not necessarily now, there's always next year. Iljam3a ma bet6eer"
"Fa6ma are you serious?"
"Yes, I will defer to next year, 3adi people always do that, you'll still be here fa it won't make a difference whether it was this year or the next"
What can I say to that? There was only one thing to do. I quickly got changed, grabbed my keys and ran to the twins' flat. I rang the bell and waited as patiently as I could considering the situation, when 2 minutes later there was no sign of the door opening I starting banging it with both my fists, a few seconds later S3ood opened the door, his eyes still half closed, he stood there looking like a Greek god in nothing but a pair of shorts, rubbing his sleepy eyes with one hand,
"Noor shfeech what's wrong are you ok?"
"No, where's 3abdallah?"
"I'm guessing he's asleep, laish what's happening?" he yelled after me as I pushed him from my way and ran into the flat,
"Noor!"
I didn't look back for two reasons, the first being that I know he'd stop me and ask for an explanation and the second being that if I saw him again I'll probably forget why I was there and would jump on him and confess my undying love.
"Noor shfeech what's wrong are you ok?"
"No, where's 3abdallah?"
"I'm guessing he's asleep, laish what's happening?" he yelled after me as I pushed him from my way and ran into the flat,
"Noor!"
I didn't look back for two reasons, the first being that I know he'd stop me and ask for an explanation and the second being that if I saw him again I'll probably forget why I was there and would jump on him and confess my undying love.
I gave 3abdallah's door a courtesy knock and swung the door open, I expected him to be asleep like his brother, but 3abdallah was sitting on his bed, fully dressed and ready to go out. As soon as I walked in he stuffed something into his pocket and looked up at me surprised,
"Noor? What's wrong? Why are you here?" he said as he jumped off his bed,
"What's wrong? Are you seriously asking me what's wrong? My sister has been crying her eyes dry for the past 7 months and you ask me what's wrong? She poured her heart out to you and you completely ignored her, what the hell do you think is wrong? She's deferring next year! She won't even do her masters because you're here! What more do you want? You accuse her of taking the easy way out, when that's what you've been doing as well! You sit here and judge her and ignore her to intentionally hurt her, you're driving her away! Away from everyone she cares about! She has no one back home, no one! You know that! And yet you push her to go back!"
By the end of my speech I was breathless, I couldn't believe I had it in me, but I do, for my sister I guess I do,
"Good girl.." S3ood, I turned around to find him standing behind me, his tanned arms folded across his broad chest, I turned away from him and pushed away all the un-babylike thoughts that were rushing to my mind, if only he knew..
"My brother needed that, he wouldn't listen to me"
"Come with me.." said 3abdallah, grabbing my arm and pulling me with him. We walked quickly down to our flat, I opened the door and 3abdallah ran to Fa6ma's room,
"Where the hell do you think you're going?"
She looked up at him, and silently continued packing her stuff.
"Fa6ma ga3ed akalmech! Stop what you're doing!"
"What do you want from me?" she said, letting go of the shoe she was holding,
"Don't go"
"Why? So you can ignore me more? So you can satisfy your anger? I'm not a masochist, I can't punish myself anymore for something I did a long time ago, for a small mistake, for lapse of judgement"
"A mistake? You call what you did a small mistake? I was a wreck after you Fa6ma! No one knew! No one but 3alya! Why do you think she wanted you back in my life? She knew you were the only one who could make me happy, you knew you were the only who could make me happy and you used that against me! You controlled me because of that!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Yes, you controlled me! You had this power over me.."
"So you left me to prove to yourself that I can't control you? How lame is that? 3abdallah are you serious? You made me suffer for years just to prove to yourself that you were stronger than me? That I had no control over you? You made me go through depression, medication and therapists to prove that to yourself? You're calling me selfish? You were the one who ran away and got married! You could've waited!"
"You said no!"
"I said I was too young! I NEVER said no! I precisely said I was too young! And I was! I was 20 years old 3abdallah! We were both young! You could've waited! You CHOSE to get married! You didn't have to! You could've waited!!"
They were both yelling, she was sobbing on the floor and he was standing, towering above her, his hands in fists by his side and he was shaking with anger.
"Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I was a wreck? Where were you when all I wanted was to hear your voice? Ilmo9eeba ina you knew, you knew what would happen to me so you didn't tell S3ood, because you wanted to lie to yourself and tell yourself that you were the victim and that I was the bitch, when in reality you were being a stubborn idiot! You wouldn't listen to your own brother, you went ahead and did what you wanted to do, you selfish bastard!"
Suddenly he kneeled next to her and held her from her shoulders,
"What would you say now?"
"What?"
He pulled out something from his pocket, and opened his hand,
"Will you marry me now?"
She stared at him for a few seconds, her face blank.
"Get out," she whispered,
"What?"
"GET OUT! Get out of my house!!" She yelled at him, sobbing hysterically.
"Fa6ma please.." he said pulling her into his arms,
"Leave me alone.. go away and leave me alone.. I don't want this.. I don't want to feel anything anymore.. just go away go away" she said, her voice muffled by his chest,
"Shhh 7abeebty.. I'll never go away, I'll always be with you"
"NO!" she said pushing him away, "you said that before and you left! You promised you would never hurt me and you did! You broke my heart and my soul! You turned me into someone I don't recognise! Someone I feel sorry for, I don't want to be that person, I want to pick myself up because I'm stronger than that! I shouldn't need you, I should be able to be without you, MY life will go on."
"But mine won't.. mine has stopped since that day.. Fa6ma please.. let's not make the same mistake again.. this time think about it" He said pushing the ring into her hand, "this is the ring I bought you 5 years ago, I've had it since, I brought it with me when I came and at the time I didn't know why, or I knew but I didn't want to acknowledge it. Fa6ma I love you and I always will. Please think before you speak." he said as he stood up and he walked out of the flat.
"Noor? What's wrong? Why are you here?" he said as he jumped off his bed,
"What's wrong? Are you seriously asking me what's wrong? My sister has been crying her eyes dry for the past 7 months and you ask me what's wrong? She poured her heart out to you and you completely ignored her, what the hell do you think is wrong? She's deferring next year! She won't even do her masters because you're here! What more do you want? You accuse her of taking the easy way out, when that's what you've been doing as well! You sit here and judge her and ignore her to intentionally hurt her, you're driving her away! Away from everyone she cares about! She has no one back home, no one! You know that! And yet you push her to go back!"
By the end of my speech I was breathless, I couldn't believe I had it in me, but I do, for my sister I guess I do,
"Good girl.." S3ood, I turned around to find him standing behind me, his tanned arms folded across his broad chest, I turned away from him and pushed away all the un-babylike thoughts that were rushing to my mind, if only he knew..
"My brother needed that, he wouldn't listen to me"
"Come with me.." said 3abdallah, grabbing my arm and pulling me with him. We walked quickly down to our flat, I opened the door and 3abdallah ran to Fa6ma's room,
"Where the hell do you think you're going?"
She looked up at him, and silently continued packing her stuff.
"Fa6ma ga3ed akalmech! Stop what you're doing!"
"What do you want from me?" she said, letting go of the shoe she was holding,
"Don't go"
"Why? So you can ignore me more? So you can satisfy your anger? I'm not a masochist, I can't punish myself anymore for something I did a long time ago, for a small mistake, for lapse of judgement"
"A mistake? You call what you did a small mistake? I was a wreck after you Fa6ma! No one knew! No one but 3alya! Why do you think she wanted you back in my life? She knew you were the only one who could make me happy, you knew you were the only who could make me happy and you used that against me! You controlled me because of that!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Yes, you controlled me! You had this power over me.."
"So you left me to prove to yourself that I can't control you? How lame is that? 3abdallah are you serious? You made me suffer for years just to prove to yourself that you were stronger than me? That I had no control over you? You made me go through depression, medication and therapists to prove that to yourself? You're calling me selfish? You were the one who ran away and got married! You could've waited!"
"You said no!"
"I said I was too young! I NEVER said no! I precisely said I was too young! And I was! I was 20 years old 3abdallah! We were both young! You could've waited! You CHOSE to get married! You didn't have to! You could've waited!!"
They were both yelling, she was sobbing on the floor and he was standing, towering above her, his hands in fists by his side and he was shaking with anger.
"Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I was a wreck? Where were you when all I wanted was to hear your voice? Ilmo9eeba ina you knew, you knew what would happen to me so you didn't tell S3ood, because you wanted to lie to yourself and tell yourself that you were the victim and that I was the bitch, when in reality you were being a stubborn idiot! You wouldn't listen to your own brother, you went ahead and did what you wanted to do, you selfish bastard!"
Suddenly he kneeled next to her and held her from her shoulders,
"What would you say now?"
"What?"
He pulled out something from his pocket, and opened his hand,
"Will you marry me now?"
She stared at him for a few seconds, her face blank.
"Get out," she whispered,
"What?"
"GET OUT! Get out of my house!!" She yelled at him, sobbing hysterically.
"Fa6ma please.." he said pulling her into his arms,
"Leave me alone.. go away and leave me alone.. I don't want this.. I don't want to feel anything anymore.. just go away go away" she said, her voice muffled by his chest,
"Shhh 7abeebty.. I'll never go away, I'll always be with you"
"NO!" she said pushing him away, "you said that before and you left! You promised you would never hurt me and you did! You broke my heart and my soul! You turned me into someone I don't recognise! Someone I feel sorry for, I don't want to be that person, I want to pick myself up because I'm stronger than that! I shouldn't need you, I should be able to be without you, MY life will go on."
"But mine won't.. mine has stopped since that day.. Fa6ma please.. let's not make the same mistake again.. this time think about it" He said pushing the ring into her hand, "this is the ring I bought you 5 years ago, I've had it since, I brought it with me when I came and at the time I didn't know why, or I knew but I didn't want to acknowledge it. Fa6ma I love you and I always will. Please think before you speak." he said as he stood up and he walked out of the flat.
My sister has been sitting in the same spot, staring silently at the ring in her hand for the past hour, I don't know if I should talk to her or not, maybe she needs to be left alone?
Until next time..
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