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If you saw me now.. (4)

If you saw me now...
Would you forgive me?
Are you confused? No, no, it’s not what you think. I never lied to you. I always loved you, actually I think I still love you, if that’s possible. Can you love a spirit? I won’t say ghost because that’s too Casper the friendly ghost. Oh remember when we watched the movie in the cinema in London? We thought we were grownups at that time because we were “teenagers” and didn’t want to see it because it was for babies. Remember how you hugged me when I cried in the end? And how we secretly confessed to each other the next day that we actually loved the movie? I miss you K, you’ll always be my Kasper.
I can imagine you frowning, you’re wondering why I asked for forgiveness when I didn’t lie. You’ll think I’m silly when I tell you. Ok fine, I’ll tell you.
Forgive me for the tears I shed for you when you passed, I know you hated seeing me cry, but K, I couldn’t help it. In a second, you were gone, you
Close your eyes for a minute, imagine the world being an empty space, there’s no sound, no movement, no light, just quiet, this K, is my life without you; meaningless space.
You used to tell me that we can’t depend on others to make our lives valuable, we have to add value to ourselves. If I was not happy within then no one will ever make me happy. I want to believe you K, I really do, but how can I when my happiness always was with you? Every time I remember a happy moment you were somewhere in it, or you were the reason for it. Every birthday, school event, high school graduation, you were there, you were a part of me, a part of my happy self; forgive me K for not believing you, but you made my life valuable, without you, I don’t think I can add value to anything anymore.
You know, I laugh when one of my friends cries over a break up, I mean seriously, they could still do something about it right? Their other half is still alive, is still breathing, can still talk, they can still hold hands, she can see him smile, she can touch his face, feel him brush away her hair. Forgive me K, but I would do anything to see the sparkle in your eyes again.
As always,
I dream of you my love...