Hello, My name is.. (57)

Dear Diary,

Today was the first day of uni, and I just want to curl up in my bed and DIE!

It was the worst day ever, I mean it's enough that i've been walking around like a zombie for the past month but seriously just as you think your life can't get worse, it does!

I went to class in the morning with 3abdallah and Fa6oom, it was their first day too and we had similar timings, I was meeting Dano there as well, I haven't seen her much during the summer and I really missed her, so we decided that we'll all meet for lunch after class. She was also doing her masters this year but she wasn't on the same course as 3abdallah and Fa6ma.

First lectures are always boring, there's not much that the professor says, basically just explaining what the courses are about and handing out our reading lists etc, so after a long morning, I was looking forward to going out for lunch until I walked out to the courtyard.

Ahmed was there.

Shit I forgot about him. I forgot that he's on the same course as Fa6oom and 3abdallah. I forgot that he knew S3ood, which obviously means that he'll know 3abdallah since they're identical. I forgot that Fa6oom is friendly and will talk to a table if she has to unlike myself.

Shit shit shit.

They were standing there, the two guys smoking and Fa6oom yelling at both of them, probably listing all the health risks from smoking and the two guys laughing at her. Oh my God. How will I see him? I've ignored him for over six months, forgetting that he even exists, and now he's right here, with my sister. Just as I was considering running away, Fa6oom saw me and called my name, so naturally he turned around and saw me, his smile falling off his face.

He didn't realise Fa6ma was my sister. This would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

I reluctantly shuffled my feet towards them,
"Hi," I said plastering a fake smile on my face,
"Hi Nooro, this is Ahmed, Ahmed this is my sister Noor," said Fa6ma excited,
"Um yeah I know Noor," he said staring at me with an intense look,
"Oh," she said, "Ohhhh.. right" she said, now it clicks that this is the Ahmed, 3abdallah was looking at the two of us,
"Oh, Ahmed since you know Noor, join us for lunch? We're just waiting for someone else and we'll leave."
Fa6oom nudged him in the stomach, hard,
"AYYY, Fa6oom? Laish?" he screamed with pain,
"Ha, la wala shay bel'3ala6, sorry" she said giving him an angry look, God guys just don't get a hint.
"Who are you waiting for? S3ood?" asked Ahmed, his eyes still on me,
"La we're waiting for Dano," I whispered,
"Oh really? I haven't seen her for so long" answered Ahmed,
"Then you really have to come! I insist" said 3abdallah,
I saw Fa6oom digging her stilleto heel into his foot with all her strength,
"Ouch! Fa6oom!! Shfeech? Theba7teeny tara!!"
"Ma feeny shay, bel'3ala6 sorry" she said with gritted teeth. Oh my God, 3abdallah, for a smart guy he can really be stupid sometimes.

After a few minutes of awkward silence Dana finally showed up,
"Hey, sorry I'm late" she said kissing me on the cheeks,
"It's ok," I answered, "yallah we're all going for lunch"
"Really? Interesting," she whispered back to me, "Hi Ahmed, sha5barek? Haven't seen you mn zeman"
"I'm good, il7imdillah" he said giving her a smile, I forgot how good looking he was, he was a nice guy but I guess we weren't right for each other.
"Ha yallah nroo7? I'm hungry" said 3abdallah,
"Yeah yallah, let's go bs wain S3ood mn zeman ma shefta?" replied Ahmed,
Shit, yaby S3ood ba3ad. He picked up his phone and dialed S3ood's number,
"Hala S3ood, shlonik? Ana b5air Allah ysalmek.. ee I just met your brother fe iljam3a, fakarta inta it was actually funny.. haha.. ee.. bs lazem nshoofek.. ray7een net'3ada al7een ta3al ma3ana.. la la lazem etyey.. 5ala9 yallah we're on the way.. see you there.." he hung up the phone and turned around to look at me again, "S3ood will meet us there"

Ya salam. Kmelat.

The guys took Ahmed's car to the restaurant and we jumped into the first cab we found, as soon as we were in the car I put my hands on my face,
"Oh my God I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe this is happening! Why is my life so shitty? Why whenever I try to move on and think that I finally can something like this happens and it proves me wrong!"
"Haddy Nooro, it won't be so bad, we're all here with you, 3abdalah is a stupid idiot! I can't believe he's so stupid!"
"No Fa6oom it's not his fault, it's my fault for thinking that I can get over this, I can't, I can't! I want to go home, please take me home, I can't see him wallah I can't"
"Noor 7abeebty, you have to be stronger than this, ya3ny you'll see him eventually, fa please we're all with you mithel ma galat Fa6ma, it won't be so bad betchofeen" said Dana hugging me.

Ten minutes later we reached the restaurant to find the guys were already there, I sat next to the girls and Ahmed was sitting opposite me,
"Shall we order?" asked 3abdallah,
"La let's wait for S3ood," replied Ahmed. The guys were sitting discussing some football game and I sat fidgeting with the napkin infront of me, when S3ood walked in. He said his hellos and I kept my head down, I felt like my heart will burst because of the speed of its beats when he pulled a chair and sat next to me. Great, just great. Can this lunch get any worse?

I felt so sick, the concept of eating made me visualise myself being sick, so I just ordered a salad for lunch,
"Bas?" asked S3ood when I placed my order,
"I'm not hungry" I said avoiding his gaze, I could feel his eyes on me, don't look up, don't look up, I kept telling myself, I knew that if I did I will cry, I will not cry, I will not cry for him again,
"You need to eat something else, you've lost weight" he whispered, "I'll order for you"
"Don't you dare tell me what to do" I answered, finally looking up at him, seriously! Who does he think he is?
"I'm sorry," he whispered back, putting the menu down.
Lunch was tense, I felt like I couldn't move my arms because everytime I did I would brush against him and I could literally feel the electricity coursing through my body. While all this happened Ahmed was just watching the two of us, we were both quiet, we were both not there with them at the table, each lost in their own world, what was he thinking of? Finally after an awkward hour or so lunch was over, as soon as the bill was paid I excused myself saying that I had a migrane and wanted to go sleep it off. I rushed out of the restaurant into a cab taking me home. As soon as I left the restaurant I got a text message from Ahmed,
"I always knew something was up between the two of you, I hope you're happy, although you don't seem to be, but then again this is what you deserve"

Oh My God.

I just want to sleep and never wake up. I hate my life, I hate myself, what the hell did I do to deserve all this?

Until next time..