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New Year.. (8)

'You appreciate his honesty? Really? I mean.. who says that?'
'I know.. I'm such an idiot' I felt like slapping myself, every time I remembered what I said I realise I really do have feelings for him, 'Mariam.. I do care about him.. really'
'I know.. It's obvious..'
We were having our weekly Friday brunch and were discussing my stupidity over a plate of French toast.
'I mean really.. I can't wrap my head around it.. why would you say that?'
'Mariaaaam.. I want to kill myself'
'So what happened after you said that?'
'Nothing.. he went quiet, it became awkward and then he said he was tired, he had a long day and has to wake up early for Friday prayers'
'That never stopped him before'
'I know'
'And then what? nothing since then?'
'No, it's the first time he doesn't call me or text me when he wakes up. I usually either find a message or missed call when I wake up; today, nothing'
'Did you call him?'
'No. Should I?'
'Seeing that you crushed his heart yesterday, yeah I think you should'

So I picked up my phone and dialled his number,
'That's weird, his phone is off'
'Try again, maybe there's no coverage'
'No, still off'
'Poor guy, you broke his heart'
'Oh come on'
'You know it's not easy for guys to open up about their feelings'
'Well it's not easy for me either!' I snapped at her, feeling irritated, mostly at myself. Here I was, knowing that I'm falling for someone, and somehow sabotaging my own relationship because of fear of losing myself in it, and ending up with a broken heart again.

I kept telling myself all day that I was ok, and that I need to take a step forward. He has been trying from the start, taking all the first steps, leading conversations, reassuring me in every way possible and what did I do?

I threw it all in his face.

When he didn't call or text until the evening I knew I had caused a rift in our new and fragile relationship, so I decided that for once I should take a first step; I should apologise after our first fight.

I dialled his number again and waited for his voice on the other end; it was weird, the dial tone was international; did he travel? I quickly shut the phone, not knowing how to react. As soon as I did I got a text message from him,

Ahmed: I'm in Dubai. What's up?

What's up? Really? Yesterday you were in love and today what's up?

Alia: Dubai?
Ahmed: Yeah
Alia: You didn't tell me you were going
Ahmed: I didn't realize I had to
Alia: I see. No you don't have to of course. Have fun, sorry to bother you.

I was fuming.

But did I have the right to be? I wasn't sure but that feeling was horrible. What if he meets someone there? I mean technically he could meet someone here, if he wanted to, but that trip made me uneasy, it made me feel that he could disappear from my life just as quickly as he had filled it, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the gap he would leave in my life.

Ahmed: I didn't tell you because I decided this morning.
Alia: Ok. Enjoy.
Ahmed: Thanks. You called, did you want something?

Did I?

Yes, I did. I wanted him.

Alia: Yes.
Ahmed: ?

I took a leap of faith, hoping that he will catch me

Alia: I wanted to say I don't do casual either.
Ahmed: I love you.

And he did.

New Year.. (7)

Falling in love; there's no feeling like it.

I want to talk to him all the time, and when I'm not talking to him, I'm talking about him, I even make myself sick with the sweetness of the relationship. I don't know if it's because it's the start of the relationship or because this is how love is really meant to feel.

Like you're floating on a cloud, suspended over reality where no one matters but you and him.

I woke up this morning to the sound of the morning call to prayer and thanked God for making him cross my path. I've always believed in fate and that if it was meant to be it will be. He told me last night that he wasn't going to take this job, but something made him do it, take a leap and change. Maybe if he hadn't taken the job we wouldn't have met he said. 

I don't think there are wasted opportunities for if God meant for it to happen, and if it was good for you then it would happen; no matter what. 

'So you think I would've met you and fallen in love with you anyway?'
'Fallen in love?' I could feel the heat rushing to my face, and that heat had nothing to do with the layers of blankets I was hiding under and more to do with my pounding heart
'Yes?' I whispered
'I kind of just told you I'm falling in love with you..'
'Would you like to respond to that?' 
I could sense he was a bit nervous, and that made my heart swell with love for him. Maybe love was a strong word, maybe it was too soon, but I don't know, it felt right, I debated for a few seconds whether or not I should acknowledge what he said,
'Alia.. you're making me nervous.. is this too soon?'
Was it? I didn't know. He wasn't young and I wasn't young, maybe it was time to explore where this was going, but was I ready? Was he suggesting what I think he's suggesting?
'Alia.. we can pretend this didn't happen and I didn't say anything.. but really, this is how I feel. I don't want you to think that this is a casual thing for me, I don't do casual' he said, his voice steady and quiet, more serious than I've ever known him to be,
'Ok? As in let's pretend this never happened?'
'No, ok as in I'm not sure what to say and I appreciate your honesty'
'I see'

And the mood shifted, it was awkward and weird and we were never awkward and weird, from the day we met 6 weeks ago the conversation always flowed and this was new to me. I had a million thoughts rushing through my mind, I knew I was falling for him too, why didn't I say it? I was mentally kicking myself for being so stupid.

Why did I not say it?

I know.

Because I said it to Khaled and he broke my heart.

So now what?