If you saw me now.. (7)

If you saw me now...

Would you dance with me?

Close your eyes, be one with the music. Remember our drama teacher? Hahah I miss those days, we used to laugh so much at her when she said that, but now I know what she meant. Close your eyes, be one with the music. I close my eyes, lose myself with the music and if I concentrate hard enough, I can still find you, lost between the notes; you lurk behind the sound streaming out of my earphones, the rhythm of the music resembling your steady breathing against my neck as we slowly stepped our practiced routine. If I extend my hand, I can still feel your broad shoulders; if I close my eyes I can still feel the soft cotton of your school uniform against my cheek.

Close your eyes, be one with the music.

It’s weird how music can transport you to another time, sometimes I would be sitting with my friends or my family and I would forget; forgive me, but for a few minutes I forget, and then right there and then, a few words coming out through the TV or radio would take me back to you, back to a time when I was happy.

You know, I’m still thinking of the question my therapist asked; I have a confession to make K, I’m sorry but I did try to replace you, somehow I think I still am. Forgive me K, but I can’t go on like this, I can’t be alone for the rest of my life, but the problem is, the more I try to replace you, the more I realise that you are irreplaceable. No one will ever be able to be like you, every person I talked to, or even saw, failed in their comparison to you, so I stopped trying. It’s just not worth it, I know. You’re the only person I would ever be happy with, so why bother? Why torture myself and another person? All I got from my attempts were comments about how “sick” and “weird” I was, as if I needed someone to tell me, they think I don’t know K.

You know what’s funny K? Well, not funny as in haha funny, but funny as in ironic; all the men I met thought that I was weird because of you, they don’t know that this is how I’ve always been, they don’t know that you found my neurosis charming, that you tolerated my mood swings, that you contained my outbursts with a smile, that you touched me and I forgot why I was upset. They don’t know that when you were with me, I forgot who I was, and for some time I was able to pretend that I was a normal human being, just like them.

Close your eyes and dance with me, I need to feel my hands on your broad shoulders, I need to feel your cotton shirt against my cheek.

As always,

My heart is for you my love...