Hello, My name is.. (60)

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, I say woke up but it wasn't like I was sleeping, I laid restless in bed all night, but decided to leave the bed at 10 am. There was a lot of preparing to do for the party tonight, the girls were coming over to help me at 12, but I decided to get a head start. I left the apartment and headed out for some last minute food shopping which took me a few hours, when I got back home the girls were already there hovering over Fa6oom, each suggesting a different addition to her outfit, or opinions on how she should do her hair. I watched them all running around excited and couldn't help but feel detached from all that, I'm happy for my sister, really happy in fact, but honestly, I was in no mood to be happy.

I was worried. Worried of seeing S3ood again. Worried of how I'll feel after seeing him. I don't want to feel this anymore. I want to walk away from all of this. I decided to invite Ahmed to the party, he's been such a gentleman since his apology and we've been seeing each other a lot lately. I don't see anything happening with him, but he's a good friend, we've just been enjoying each other's company I guess, which is what I needed and he didn't seem to mind. Although there was a lot to do, I felt like the minutes dragged on. I was dreading our encounter later on, but I wanted the time to pass, I wanted to get over and done with as soon as possible.

Finally, the hour hand reached 8 o'clock. It was time for the party to begin. I gave myself a final look in the mirror, I think I looked ok, I mean it can't get any better than this for me. My hair was done in loose waves, I was wearing a simple knee length dress, and my make up was minimal, as usual. As soon as I walked out of the room, Juju gave me a wolf whistle,
"Noorooo you look hot!"
"3ayara.. I look 3adi.. as usual"
"You have to stop doing this to yourself" said 3aisha,
"Doing what?"
"Putting yourself down!" she pulled me to the full length mirror in my room, "look at you! You look great! If you saw this girl in the street, and she looked like this, what would you say?" she yelled at me, pointing at my reflection in the mirror. I stared at my reflection, trying to imagine what she said, she's somewhat right, I don't look bad, but growing up I always had the feeling that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough and I wasn't pretty enough. I shrugged my shoulders and looked at her,
"3adi," I said.
"Uffff teqhereeeny!" she yelled back at me,
"3awoosh 5aleeha 5ala9 mb wagta" said Juju pulling her away from me.

Where did all this come from? They think I let myself down? I never saw this before, but I have to admit, they're right.

At 8:30 the rest of our friends started to show up, Fa6oom looked radiant in her off white dress and 3abdallah looked handsome as usual. Ahmed also came and he looked great, he brought flowers for Fa6ma and white roses for me, how thoughtful of him.

I kept looking at the door nervously waiting for S3ood to show up, by 9 he was still not here, is he not coming? I didn't know. No one mentions him infront of me, but I'm sure 3abdallah invited him, I mean he is his brother, it would look weird infront of all their friends if he wasn't here. Maybe he's sick? Or maybe he just didn't want to see me, maybe he hates me now, that's it, yes, he hates me. I was staring at the door, willing it to open with my eyes, when Ahmed came and slowly pried away the napkin I was shredding in my hands from between my tense fingers,
"Shway shway 3ala roo7ech" he said, his hands still on mine,
"Ha? Laish? Ma feeny shay" I said smiling,
"Chathaba, Nooro I know you, 3ainich ma 6a7at mn 3ala ilbab. Are you expecting someone?"
"La, la men ban6er ya3ny?"
"Nooroo? I told you, we're friends now right?" I nodded, "so you're waiting for S3ood?" he continued,
"La why would I?"
"I know you don't want to tell me anything, o ma3ach 7ag, bs I just wanted to say that I think he has feelings for you too, whatever has happened between the two of you can be solved by a long conversation."
"I wish it was that simple Ahmed," I said as my eyes filled with tears,
"Shh.. hey, hey mb wagta you cry now," he said pulling me into his arms, two seconds later I felt him tense up and let go of me suddenly. I turned around to find S3ood standing at the doorway, staring at the two of us with the saddest look I had ever seen in my life. There was so much anger, sadness and pain in his eyes, and it just broke my heart to see him like this.
"Maybe it's better if I don't stay" whispered Ahmed, I nodded and watched him say his goodbyes to the happy couple and leave the party.

For the rest of the evening S3ood avoided me, I wanted to tell him that it was nothing, that it meant nothing, it was just a hug between friends, but he wouldn't let me.

He doesn't want to listen, he wants to believe the worse, he wants me to be like her, because it's easier to deal with that for him, this is what he knows and what he expects.

Until next time..