If you saw me now.. (6)

If you saw me now...

Would you smile for me?

I miss your smile K; somehow it always managed to make the world less hostile, less threatening. Do you remember how we met? That day in the sandbox, when Mesha3el pushed me and I grazed my knee, I was just about to cry, when you came and hugged me, told me that it’s only a small cut and that I should ignore it, if I closed my eyes and pretended that it wasn’t there it wouldn’t hurt. So I did, but where are you now to teach me how to ignore the pain in my heart? Can I ever pretend that it doesn't exist? I don’t think so K.

You taught me to always smile, even when I was being insulted. Smiling would reassure your friends and weaken your enemies you told me. I still do that, you would be proud of me, I don’t even have to force the smile anymore, it comes naturally, but it’s a fake smile K, the one that never reaches your eyes. I still have sad eyes, but people like me because of my smile; I guess your theory works after all.

Do you know what I wish for sometimes? Well, other than you that is. I wish we could reverse time. Why do you think? No, not so that I steal your car keys, I know that what happened was inevitable, there’s nothing I could do about it. I would reverse time so I could love you less, so I could not have you in my life so much, so I could belong to someone else, so that when it was time for you to go, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Every corner in my room reminds me of you, everywhere I turn I find some little thing that you left behind, small footprints of your existence in my life. Sometimes I wish for less of those, not because I don’t love you K, but because I love you too much. I love you to the extent that my heart feels like it’s going to burst; it physically hurts your love, even when you were alive.

What can I do K? Other than smile and pretend that I’m alive, what can I do? When will I find meaning in my life again? I don’t know.

These letters are supposed to show me how to move on, but I don’t know, all they seem to be doing is to highlight how much I miss you, how much I love you. As if I needed a reminder. My therapist asked me if I thought they were helping me, well, not really, but you know how much I enjoy talking to you, does that count as help? She then asked me a weird question, she asked if I ever tried to find someone else, you know, to replace you. That’s a valid question, I mean anyone else would’ve moved on by now, but I don’t think I can. I’m not saying our love was stronger than everyone else’s, well maybe it was, I don’t know, what I know is that, how can I replace you? How can one replace a part of their body? Doesn’t the body sometimes reject transplants, even though the new organ would save it? Did you ever think why? I don’t know, but her question rattled me; what do you think?

As always,

My smiles are for you my love...