Dear Diary,
I know I haven't been updating much lately.. sorry.
Well my life lately consists of classes, lunch with Ahmed, the gym with Ahmed, dinner and movie or a walk with Ahmed.
Are you sensing too much Ahmed? Well, my friends are.
Today I had my first fight with Juju. From the day we met when we were kids we've been inseparable and today we had our first fight. Because of Ahmed. Frankly, it bothers me how much time I've been spending with him, I mean I never thought I would be one of those girls that would have to be surgically removed in order to leave their boyfriend's side, but today I realised that I have become one of them, when Juju pointed that out. I don't blame her for the fight, she has every right to be mad at me, she's been having a tough time lately because as usual her parents aren't there for her, they don't call and they don't ask, when she complains about this she get's a phone call from her father's accountant informing her that they have deposited a certain amount in her bank account and that her mother tells her to go treat herself with something pretty. And to be honest that sucks, and I know EXACTLY how that feels, we've agreed from a young age that we don't need our parents, atleast emotionally since they're never there and we have each other anyway.
Today she told me that not only does she not have her parents, but she's also lost me.
To some extent, I agree. I feel that I've lost me too, I mean I've not become Noor, I've become Noora and Ahmed, part of a couple, a separate entity.
And I hate that.
Ok so Ahmed is great, and things have been going well, I enjoy his company, we have a lot in common etc etc. But I love my friends.. I don't want to be that girl, honestly.. I hate that girl!
I'm confused. Do I talk to Ahmed about this? I mean since the begining of the relationship I pointed out that I don't want to ALWAYS be with him, but somehow he worked his way into my life, it started out with just coffee after class and then dinner and a movie in the weekend, but now we're practically together all the time.
So what do I do?
On the other hand I've also been feeling guilty about Dana. Ok so maybe she has no right to be mad at me, it's not my fault he doesn't love her, but I can't help but feel a small tingle of guilt every time I see her in uni and she gives me semi smile and then avoids me for the rest of the time, yesterday she actually walked back into the lecture hall when she saw me outside, I pretended that I didn't see that but it still hurt. I don't want to ever be a reason for someone's pain.. no matter who that person is.
Ufff... this is not easy...
Until next time.
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