Hello, My name is.. (56)

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow we start our second year, I can't believe time has passed so quickly. I haven't seen S3ood since that day in the park. I didn't want to see him either, I felt humiliated and betrayed. I put my heart out there for him and he walked all over it, I couldn't believe I did what I did, but atleast now I can finally move on.

He doesn't love me enough to get over his fear of being hurt, he doesn't trust me, and no relationship can be built without trust.

Fa6ma doesn't mention him at all, but I know she sees him, after all they're friends, and I'm ok with that, I mean I don't hate him, he'll always be special to me, he'll always be my first love, no matter what, but I don't want to see him, and I don't want to know anything about him.

Meera left last week, apparently she's getting back to her husband so she's out of the picture, good for her. S3ood moved out of the appartment upstairs and rented a flat closer to his university, which I guess is for the best since I won't be bumping into him everytime I leave my flat.

I feel numb inside, like nothing matters, like I no longer have feelings about anything or anyone. Nothing makes me happy and nothing makes me sad. It's like I'm incapable of feeling anything, is that extreme sadness? I don't know. I feel indifferent about everything. Fa6ma says that this is how she felt when 3abdallah got married, she wants me to go see a therapist because she says that was how her depression started and she doesn't want me to go down that road, but I don't think I need a therapist, I just need some space, some time to breathe.

And then I'll be fine.

I turned 19 last week, the girls all came back from their vacations for my birthday and I had a great time. I thought he would come for my birthday, or atleast call, but all I got from him was a text message, "You've grown way beyond your 19 years in my eyes. Happy birthday Noor." That's it. That's all he could say. That was the last time I cried and I promised myself that this year will be different. This year I won't cry. This year I won't be sad.

I can live without him. I can be happy without him.

Until next time..