Mirror.. (4)

It’s been two days since Talal was here, I haven’t heard from him since he left Doha. Actually, I didn’t hear from him pretty much since our date, I called him the next day constantly and he never returned my calls, he only sent me a text message in the evening telling me that he was driving back home. His loss really.

I sit in front of the mirror, brushing my hair, 100 strokes every night, and I watch the light as it bounces of my shiny waves, I smile for the mirror and the beautiful reflection smiles back at me. I stick out my tongue at that beautiful girl, wishing she wasn’t me and I giggle at my own silliness.

Just as I finished my bedtime routine my phone rings, just like clockwork, Saif calling.
“7abeeby” I whispered,
“aaaaaaaaaaaah ya galby”
“Hehe salamat galbek Sawaf”
“Inty galby”

I love talking to Saif, I really do, but I feel guilty, I feel that I don’t deserve his love, and that if he knew the real me, I would disgust him.

“Ana ma astahlek Saif”
“Don’t say that, inty mub fahma gadrech”
“Why do you love me?”
“That’s not a question I can answer 7ala”
“Why not? It’s a simple question, ya3ny if you ask me why I love you I would tell you why”
“So you love me?”
“Hehe 6ab3an I do”
“Why?”
“Because you’re kind, generous, intelligent without being arrogant, you make me laugh, you listen to me, indulge me hmm.. and many other things ba3ad bs ma bagool lek 3ashan ma tchof roo7ek 3alay”
“La wallah?”
“Eee.. so tell me, why do you love me?”
“Because you’re you” he answered.
“La 3ad yallah Saif, I answered your question!”
“No you didn’t, you just listed my good characteristics, things that many people have, so you didn’t really answer the question”
“Hm.. ok I guess you’re making sense, ok so let me rephrase the question. What do you love about me? Ya3ny you’ve never seen me, you’ve only seen a picture”
“You know looks don’t matter to me, although you’re gorgeous, but I would love you even if you weighed 200kg”
“Hahaha I believe you 9ara7a, because you have no guarantee that that picture is me and yet you still talk to me”
“Because I love you”
“So tell me..”
“Hmm..?”
“What do you love?”
“Hmm.. I love your voice when you wake up in the morning, because I know that I’m the first person you talk to. I love that my voice is the last thing you hear before you sleep, no matter what time it is, or where we are in the world. I love that when you’re scared you call me. I love that when you’re sad you know that I’m the only one who can comfort you, I love that when you’re happy you always share your happiness with me. I love that I’m in every moment of your day... Kfaya wela agool ba3ad?”

I took in a deep breath, and felt my heart swelling with love. I really do love him, I do. That moment, I vowed to myself that I’ll only be with him, I have to change, to become worthy of this beautiful person. I wiped a tear that escaped through my lashes and sighed again.

“Shfeech 7abeeby?”
“Wala shay, I was listening to you.”
“And?”
“I love you Saif”
“7ala can I ask you for something? And feel free to say no, I don’t want to put pressure on you or anything, so if you say no I will completely understand o ma baz3al”
“Hehe just ask, laish kel halmoqademat? Fe mo9eeba?”
“Hehe la a3ootho bellah” he laughed nervously, took a deep breath and continued, “I really want to see you, I know wayed 9a3bah and that I’m asking for much but..”
“Ok” I whispered,
“Ok?”
“Yes, but not in Doha,”
“You’ll come to Dubai?”
“Umm no I’m going to Bahrain next weekend, for my friend’s wedding, I told you 9a7?”
“Yeah”
“You’ll come with me?”
“I would love to 7abeeby”

I hung up the phone promising myself that this will be a new start. No more Talal, no more playing around. I will be his and his only. I laid my head on my pillow and smiled content, that I’m finally becoming a better person.

 Let’s hope I can keep it up.

Mirror.. (3)

I woke up feeling refreshed, I slept well last night thinking of Talal and our date. Smiling I picked up my phone to see if I had any messages from him. Sure enough, there was,

Talal: Will I see you today?
I quickly typed in my response:
7ala: Sorry 7abeeby, I don’t think so.

I jumped off the bed and went to the bathroom to get changed, 10 minutes later I checked on my phone to see if he’s sent me any messages; nothing.

You know, I really don’t like to be ignored, he’s supposed to beg me to see him, when I say no I expect him to try for an hour to convince me, then I’ll be convinced and go meet him and pretend to be upset because he forced me to come. But for him to take no as a final answer? That was unacceptable.

I quickly dialled Saif’s number; he knows how to lift my spirits in one word.
“Alooo”
“9ba7 ilward”
“Hi”
“Hmm.. so? Tell me, why are you upset today?”
“Shdarak iny upset?”
“You keep forgetting that I know you too well 7ala”
“No you don’t” I whispered,

Sometimes I feel guilty when I talk to Saif, I do care about him really, and I know he loves me but sometimes just for a short moment, I wish I deserved his love, I wish I was the person he thought I was, and that I was worthy of being on the pedestal he put me up on.

“Of course I do, you’re my 7ala”
“Hmm..”
“So tell me? What is it this time?”
“Nothing. I just missed you” I answered, and I meant it, you see I do love him, I really do. For the past two years he has been the only constant in my life. Guys come and go, but Saif has always been there, sometimes I forget about him for a few months, when I meet someone new, but when that someone lets me down, it’s always Saif’s shoulders that I fall back on. I wonder sometimes, why he cares about me, I mean I don’t have anything special to give him, other than my looks, and you know what the weird thing is? He has never seen me.

That’s a shocker right?

Maybe I should explain how I ‘met’ Saif. A friend of mine knows his family from summer vacations a long time ago, they basically met one summer in a European country, the two families hit it off and have been vacationing together ever since. To make a long story short, this girl is my best friend, my soul mate, she believed that Saif would be good for me, he’d make me stable she said, so one night, during one of our sleepovers she managed to convince me to add him on BBM. Of course he ignored me in the beginning because well, lots of girls tend to add him since he’s who he is; rich, handsome, well educated and extremely successful, so being me, I found this a challenge and I love challenges, it took me sometime but I managed to become an important part of his life, just as he became an important part of mine.

He became my Saif and I became his 7ala; everyday started and ended with a message from him, he knew every detail of my life and my friends’ lives, they even have to mention his name when they tell me a secret, “Don’t tell anyone 7ala, 7elfy! Not even Saif”.

I was his everything and he was my best friend.

I wish I deserved this love Saif, I really do.

“Tell me 7ala”
“Tell you what?”
“What’s bothering you?”
“Nothing is bothering me”
“You sighed four times since the beginning of the conversation, don’t tell me it’s because you love me too much”
“Heheh no it’s not, bs it’s nothing wallah, I’m just being silly,” I said, tears suddenly dropping from my eyes, this guilt thing really sucks.
“Shhh 7abeeby, it’s ok, why are you crying? You know you can tell me anything”

Suddenly, I wished I could, I wished I could tell him about Talal and all the other guys, I wished I could say that they all mean nothing and that he was the only one I cared about, I wished but I knew that he would never forgive me, I wished I was the 7ala he loved, and not this egotistical girl that melts at the sound of a guy praising her beauty.

I wished that I deserved this gentleman that loved me for the real me.

Mirror.. (2)

I keep looking at you mirror, and I like what I see, how can he not? Is it possible that seeing me didn’t affect him at all? I can’t believe that, his eyes said that he liked what he saw, and he couldn’t keep his hands off me, I had to literally keep pushing him off. How can he not answer my call now?

I got off my bed and started pacing the room, thinking of an explanation, maybe he left his phone somewhere? Yes, I mean what other reason could there be? I smiled, satisfied with my justification, just as my phone started ringing, it must be him!

Oh no, it’s Saif, uff what would he want now? You remember him don’t you? Yes, him, the one from Dubai? He’s sweet really, but you know how I like bad boys don’t you? Well I might as well talk to him, I have nothing better to do.

I tossed my hair to one side and picked up the phone, he would’ve liked that if he saw me, he told me he loves long hair. Him, yes him, the one I’m talking to now, uff, keep up with the pace mirror, this is another ‘Him’.
“Na3am”
“Mar7aba”
“Hmm..”
“Shoo? Za3lana 3alay?”
“La laish az3al?”
“Itha za3lana ara’6eech 7abeeby”
“Ra’6eeny yallah” I said giggling,
“Wa7ashteeny”
“Shkether?”
“Magdar agool”
“7awel..” I whispered,
“La la la.. ma agdar 3ala ilwhispering”
“Saif..”
“Ya 3yoona..”
“Sawaaaaf”
“Ya galby..”

Just then my phone beeped, Talal was calling, good timing, I was getting bored of repeating his name,
“Saif 7abeeby let me call you back, ummy tnadeeny”
“Ok 7abeeby la tet2a5erain 3alay”
“Magdar at2a5ar 3alaik 7abeeby”
“Bye”

I quickly switched lines,
“Aloo”
“Laih ma tredeen?”
“Ana ma ared wela inta?”
“La inty, dagait 3alaik al7een o 6awalty 3ala ma radaity, meen kinty tkalmeen?”
“Ma kint akalem 7ad, iltelephone kan b3eed”
“Aaah 6ayeb”
“Talal..”
“Na3am”
“Laish tkalemny chethy?”
“O shlon tabeeny akalmek?"
“Madry bs mub chethy”
“Laken gooleely..”
“Amer..”
“Wesh  halzain ilyoum?” he whispered,
“Eee kalemny chethy..” I whispered back,
“Hahah.. bs 9ara7a.. mashallah 3alaik..”
“Laish?”
“Kel ma ashoofek alageek a7la”
“3yoonek il7elwa 7abeeby”
“Ya galby inty.. bashoofek bokra?”
“Madry wallah 9a3ba”
“Laih?”
“A5af”
“Laih, galolek baklek?”
“Talaal.. la wallah bs what if someone saw me?”
“Inty habla? Why do you think I took you to this place? I would never hurt your reputation, please remember this, you mean a lot to me”
“Hmm.. ok 7abeeby bachoof if I can go out tomorrow”
“Ok ya galby.. Allah la ye7remny menek”
“Ameen” I whispered,
“Yallah 7abeebty te9be7een 3ala 5air, kalmeeny la 9e7aity”
“Ok, good night”

I dropped my phone on the bed smiling, I really like him, although to be honest we don’t talk about much, and I don’t know a lot about him, all I know is that he’s hot, he’s mysterious and he drives me crazy.

I turned back to my phone when I saw the red light flashing, 1 new BBM.

Saif: I can’t stop thinking about you :*

Uff.. shyaby hay?

Mirror.. (1)

Mirror mirror on the wall,
Who’s the prettiest of them all?

Of course, I am, I know that, no need for you to reassure me, although I do like to stare into you, to the discomfort of my mother, but I don’t care, I love you mirror.

You’re asking why I’m looking exceptionally beautiful today? Why, mirror, how dare you? I look exceptionally beautiful every day!

Ok, you got me, I’m going to see him. No not him, Him. Which him do you mean? Oh God, there are so many ‘Him’s’ aren’t there? Haha, ok yeah I agree. I’m going to see Talal, my Saudi boyfriend, you know, the one I told you about? The tanned, tall one I met during the summer? Yeah, that one. He’s a hot one, I have to look extra hot for him, which shouldn’t take much effort, right?

I painted my lips with my favourite red lipstick, blotted and then painted them again to make sure that my lipstick will stay put during our rendezvous, I haven’t seen him in two months, and lately he’s been neglecting me a bit, I have to show him what he’s been missing. When I first met him he couldn’t stop staring at me, he called and texted every day, but now, well it seems like he’s cooling down, and I’m not used to this attitude, I can cool down, but him? No way, I cannot accept this.

“7ala ya kel il7ala” he told me when we first met, his voice, his accent and the way he stared at me as he smoked, all gave me a tingly feeling inside whenever I talked to him.

I sprayed myself with perfume, held the medkhan under my carefully blow dried hair and grabbed my phone on my way out, as soon as I held it in my hand it beeped announcing a new message,
“Wainik? Yallah ana mesta3jel”
Eff, I don’t like this attitude, but wait until he sees me, I’m sure it’ll change.
“Yallah 7abeeby kany 6al3a mn ilbait, 10 minutes and I’ll be there”
I stared at the screen for a few seconds waiting for a response from him, but who am I kidding? He won’t answer, he expects me to be there waiting for him. If only he wasn’t so hot.
“7ala yumma wain ray7a?” called my mum after me as I walked past her room,
“Mama gelt lech baro7 m3 Mariam my friend, you know, illy kanat ma3ay fe ilmadresa?”
“Shthakerach feha hathy? Shel6ary?”
“Umm la 3adi ya3ny ana akalemha sa3at, o mn meta t7en taby we go out fa gelt laha ok”
“Inzain yumma la tet2a5erain”
“La inshallah”

Ok that was close, I couldn’t tell her I was with any other friend because she knows them all, she’s bound to see them so I couldn’t risk it. He was here for two days and I needed lots of convincing to go on this outing, somehow I can’t wrap my mind around dating in Doha, I mean, it’s really not worth the risk. He suggested we go to a cafe that has a family section, I laughed and said we don’t have those anymore, he asked his friends, and guess what, apparently we do. He texted me the address and I headed there, my heart beating so fast, because of the ‘adventure’ I’m on, and because I actually missed him; if only he wasn’t so dry with me, or maybe that’s why I liked him?

I saw a car parked in the dark alley he asked me to meet him in, and for a split second I felt so scared I considered reversing out and heading back home, I mean what do I really know about him?

“Inzely mn ilsayara o ta3aly 3endi o inty met’3a6ya, ned5al ma3a ba3a’6 3ashan yfakroonek zojty” read the message he sent me. 7abeeby, 5ayef 3alay.

I did as he said and walked towards him, giggling as I saw him putting his hand on his heart and smiling at me,
“agdar aboosek hena?” he whispered as he took my hand and led me to the door,
“Shhh Talal, I thought you wanted them to think we’re married”
“Yeah, so?”
“Married couples don’t kiss in public”
“Haha ok,”

We entered the cafe and were led to a table in the corner,
“Neb’3a partition lo sema7t” he told the waiter, 10 seconds later it was like we were in a room on our own. He lit his cigarette and looked at me,
“Sheely ily 3ala rasek 5aleeny ashoofek” he ordered, normally I hate people telling me what to do, but the way he orders me around, is just too sexy for me to mind.
With my hands trembling I took off my shaila and let my long hair loose, allowing the aroma of the burnt 3ood to flood the space. He took a deep breath of the smell and whispered,
“Ta3aly hena janby”
“La ma yseer ifre’6 7ad chaf”
“Meen beyshoof ya habla? Why do you think I asked for the partition?”
“Madry, ok” I said as I reluctantly shuffled over to his side of the booth, as soon as I was close enough he grabbed me and crushed me against his chest, inhaling my scent deeply and whispering against my neck,
“Wa7ashteeny ya a7la 7ala”

Two hours later I was back at home, exhilarated after that date, I think I’m falling for him, yes him, the him I was just with, plus I’m sure he won’t be so cold after this date. I think I miss him already, let me call him and check on him.

Hmm.. that’s weird, no answer? Where the hell can he be?

Hello, My name is.. (End)

Dear Diary,

I miss S3ood so much, for the past few months he was around me all the time, from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep, sometimes he even tucked me in bed when I fall asleep in the living room. Is this how love feels?

If it is, then this is perfection.

This is how I want to feel for the rest of my life.

We’ve been in Doha for 3 weeks; 3 weeks without S3ood, but things were hectic preparing for the wedding; the most beautiful wedding ever.

I promised Fa6ma I won’t cry but since last night I’ve been crying non-stop. It’s weird how events like this bring the family together. We were both huddled up in Fa6ma’s bed last night, just talking and enjoying our last night together under the same roof, it felt weird that the next day she will be leaving this house forever, she will no longer be two doors down the corridor, I won’t be able to just walk over to her room, I can’t borrow her clothes or steal her make up anymore; she will still be my sister, but she will also be someone’s wife.

My mother knocked on the door and walked in carrying a huge load of photo albums in her hands, I never thought of my mum as the sentimental type, but I guess every mother is different, and in their own way mothers will always love their children, no matter what.

“Fa6ooma”
“Na3am yumma” I could see the tears shining in both their eyes, everything that was to be said at this moment was obvious, there was no reason for the words to be spoken, our eyes said it all. The love, the apologies and the forgiveness for all past mistakes were there. All she needed to do was to reach out for her two daughters; all that was needed was that hug. I don’t know how long we were in my mother’s arms, but for the first time in my life I felt safe. I felt that everything is going to be ok, no, I knew that everything is ok.

“My two daughters have grown up” sighed my mother as she looked at the two of us, leaning on her like two baby girls,
“What do you mean mama? I’m still your baby, I’m not going anywhere” I said smiling at her,
“Testahbelain 3alay Nooro?” she smiled,
“Laish mama? Wallah I’m not going anywhere, bs baro7 iljam3a” I pouted, “you can come with me” for the first time I actually meant it, I want to be with her, I want to know her, this mysterious woman who is my mother,
“Noor,” she said hugging me, “5altech Mariam kalematny, tabeech 7ag S3ood”
I was stunned, I didn’t see that coming, at all. Fa6oom was giggling, she knew about this all along!
“Ok so I take this as a yes, anyway I knew that you’ll say yes, so I already told her everything is ok, after Fa6ma’s wedding we’ll announce your engagement” she said hugging me tighter, her tears shining in her eyes.

This was unbelievable.

After two hours of going through our old albums, and laughing at how we looked at different stages of our lives all three of us decided to call it a night. As soon as I was in my room I dialled S3ood’s number, listening to the familiar short tone beeping in my ear; no answer. He was in Doha for the wedding, I’ll see him tomorrow but I want to know what’s going on.

A sudden fear gripped my heart; what if he changed his mind? What if he never knew about this engagement plan from the beginning? Maybe this is 5alty Mariam’s plan. Hugging my phone close to my heart I drifted off into a troubled sleep. I woke up to absolutely no messages from S3ood, for the first time in seven months there was no good morning message. I pulled myself up from bed, and shuffled my feet to the bathroom, looking at my tired face in the mirror.

Today is a happy day.

Today is Fa6ma’s day.

I put my fingers on both sides of my mouth and forced it into a smile, which then turned into a giggle. No one will ruin this day for me, no matter who it was. I’ll deal with S3ood later.
I ran out of the room to find the maids and my mother fussing over the dresses, the shoes, the luggage and the load of stuff that is to be hauled to the hotel, in preparation to the big party.
“Yallah mama, i5tech gamat?”
“Madry mama,”
“Yallah 7abeebty, the hair and make up people are going to be in the hotel in an hour”
Two hours later we were all set up in a suite, getting ready for the party.
“Noor ana 5ayfa” whispered Fa6ma as the Lebanese ladies fawned over her,
“You don’t need to be, 3abdallah is perfect”
“So is S3ood” she giggled, I felt like my heart was being squeezed, but I managed what I hope looked like a big smile,
“Yes he is.”
“Noor mama fe 7ad bara yabeech” called my mother,
“Ok I’m coming, must be the flower guy” I walked out of the room into the suite’s living room, to find him sitting there, in his thobe and ghetra looking as handsome as ever. As soon as I walked in he stood up, and I don’t know how a second later I was in his arms, sobbing.
“Shhh.. hey hey, lo adry bet9e7een ma yait”
“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me anymore”
“Why would you think that?”
“I called you o ma radait, and then I woke up and there was no good morning message”
“T3arfeen inich daloo3a wayed?”
“Kelesh la” I said wiping my tears,
“Yes you are. I was asleep, and then I woke up saw your call and thought I’d come see you a7san, wela would you like me to leave and call you?”
“La la 5ala9”
“Plus, I have something to give you”
“What?”
“Awal shay fe maw’6oo3, hmm.. ya3ny I don’t know itha they told you wela la” he mumbled under his breath, and I think, just think that I saw a hint of blush in his cheeks, “ummm ya3ny ilwalda kalemat umech and..”
“Heheh yes”
“Yes?”
“Yes” I said, now my turn to blush,
“I love you”
“Hmm..”
“You’re mine”
“La wallah?”
“Yes,” he said, pulling out a small box from his pocket, “this, is so that no mother today will even consider looking at you, because you’re already taken, you’re mine, you’ll always be mine” he whispered taking out the princess cut diamond ring and slipping it on my finger.

I was speechless.

Five minutes later, when it had sunk in I looked up at him,
“I thought you wanted to be friends?” I smiled,
“I thought so too, when you said yes, I realized that I was stupid, I had the most beautiful girl I knew, she loved me and I loved her, she would do anything for me, even consider my stupid idea of being friends, what was I doing throwing that away? That was when I knew that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. That’s when I knew that you were the perfect one for me.”
That night, the word perfect resonated with me on so many levels. The perfect wedding, the perfect bride, was my sister. She looked absolutely stunning as 3abdalla walked towards her, held her hand and kissed her head.

Behind him was my perfection.

Smiling, only for me, his eyes only on me, his ring on my finger.

If this is what perfection is, then I have perfection.

This is my story; this is the rest of my life.

I said that you will be my friend for my time as a student, and a good friend you were, but, dear Diary, in S3ood, I found my lover, my friend and my life.

So dear Diary,

I bid you farewell..

Hello, My name is.. (71)

Dear Diary,

I slept late at night after talking to S3ood for hours, I don’t get what he meant by being friends, because so far to me he seems very much like a boyfriend; a very attentive one. I’m not complaining, I’m loving the attention he’s giving me, I love waking up to his messages and having him around all day.
“Nooro.. Nooro goomy” I woke up to Fa6ma’s frenzied attacks on my shoulder,
“Haa haaa shfeech ako gemt!”
“Nooro basech rgad goomy”
“Fa6oom 7aram 3alaich tawa I slept mn 3 hours!”
“Nooro.. I’m getting married”
“7elfy?”
“Wallah” she said staring at me blankly,
“Testahbelain Fa6oom? Akeed you’re getting married!”
“La ya3ny 9ij I’m getting married. In seven months exactly”
“Fa6oom? Shfeech?” I was starting to get worried, she was staring ahead of her, and it just dawned on me that she was just starting to realise that she’s getting married and that she was starting to panic.
“Ma feeny shay, bs ya3ny.. I’m getting married?”
“Fa6oom? This is what you want remember? You love 3abdallah.”
“Yes. Yes I do.” She said, finally smiling, “YES! I love him” she said her eyes filling up with tears. I leaned over to her and hugged her tightly,
“Fa6oom?”
“Ha?”
“WEDDING DRESS!” I screamed,
“Shit, shit shit! Shlon ma fakart feha? Shit we have so much shopping to do!”
“Hahah this won’t be difficult, you have a gang of expert shoppers!”

The next few months were lost in a frenzy of shopping bags, lace, silk and shoes. We finally found the perfect design for Fa6ma and her wedding dress was being made and will be ready three weeks before the big day. We were all excited, the girls were helping us with the wedding plans, even my mother was excited, never in her life was she involved in any of our activities but for the wedding, she had Fa6ma on speed dial, calling her every hour with a new update from the wedding planner. We are due to go back home in two weeks’ time, to make the final preparations for the wedding and for Fa6ma’s move to her husband’s house.

Until next time..

Hello, My name is.. (70)

Dear Diary,

I’ve had butterflies in my stomach since yesterday. I called Fa6ma and gave her a brief update on what has happened so far between S3ood and I; she of course called 3abdallah immediately telling him what happened and I have been teased mercilessly since yesterday.

And I’m loving it.

I can’t help but smile when I get S3ood’s messages, my heart beats faster when he calls me and I sigh when he says my name. Never in my life was I happy like I have been in the past twenty four hours, I’m happy, but I can’t ignore that impending sense of fear, fear of what will happen next, and if anything will happen that will affect my fragile happiness with S3ood.

I woke up this morning to a message from S3ood,

“Good morning sunshine :)”

I smiled at how cliché he was, coming from anyone else it would feel lame but from him any word he says is music to my ears.

I got out of bed gingerly, preparing myself for the freezing temperature outside my toasty bed. With my eyes half open I shuffled my feet to the bathroom and let the hot water run for a minute before I had the courage to put my hands under the water.

Ten minutes later, just as I was leaving the bathroom, still in my pyjamas and my hair all over the place, I heard the doorbell ringing. I looked through the peep hole to find S3ood standing with a huge smile on his face. I opened the door and he hugged me as soon as he stepped in.

“S3ood it’s too early and cold for you to be this happy” I mumbled against his chest.
“Hahah, what’s wrong Grumpy?”
“Nothing hehe bs I just woke up. How come you’re so cheerful?” I said walking to the living room and glancing at the mirror self consciously.
“Don’t you think you should call me before you come?” I said hitting him playfully on the shoulder as he helped himself to some orange juice.
“No not really”
“La wallah?”
“Yeah”
“Inzain ifre’6 I’m busy, or I’m doing something that I don’t want you to know of.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Anything.”
“Hehe I don’t care, i7medy rabech ina I’m not camping at your door”
“Hahah you wouldn’t dare!”
“La wallah? You want to try me?”
“Hahaha la la 5ala9. Anyway Fa6oom is coming today, so you can’t come 3ala kaifek”
“Men gal?
“Wesho men gal ba3ad? Ya3ny fesheela she’s here o int etyey mn il9eb7”
“Ana o Fa6ma metfahmeen, arjooch la tetda5elain baina. O ba3dain I won’t come alone, 3abdallah will be joining me”
“Allah y3eena ana o i5ty”
“Hahah ee Allah y9aberkum”

We spent the rest of the afternoon together, just relaxing, watching TV and eating take out and junk until it was time to pick up Fa6ma from the airport. The drive there took the usual 45 minutes, we sat silently together in the bumpy cab just content with each other’s company. We stood at the arrivals gate staring at the faces in the crowd, I love people watching and I found out that S3ood does too. It’s interesting when you look at people and how they act when they think no one is watching.

Half an hour later Fa6oom walked out of the swinging door pushing one heavy trolley in front of her. As soon as she saw us she ran to me and hugged me; I really missed my sister. S3ood stood watching us and smiling as we hugged,
“Porter, porter” laughed Fa6ma as she tapped S3ood on his shoulder, “please get my luggage” she said walking past him.
“Porter ha? Inzain baraweech!” he answered laughing and pulling her luggage as he followed us to the exit.

An hour later we were all in the flat, S3ood taking care of the luggage and putting it in Fa6ma’s room.
“You guys seem happy” whispered Fa6ma,
“Hmm.. I am, bs I’m still worried”
“Men wisho?”
“Madry Fa6oom.. a5af..”
“Noor..”
“Yes..”
“Illy Allah katbah beyseer, you know that right?”
“Yeah, yeah I do” I said smiling, “illy Allah katbah beyseer” I repeated.

Until next time..

Hello, My name is.. (69)

Dear Diary,

After S3ood left I sat thinking about what he said; when he first started talking I thought that what he was asking was impossible, how could I be with him but not be with him? He wasn’t asking me to be his friend, he was asking me to keep my feelings on hold. It sounded ridiculous, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. He loved me and I loved him, what he was saying is that eventually, we will end up together, but he will need time, which honestly is fine for me. I’m not ready to be a wife, I’m too young, so why not live this honeymoon period, where we’re both in love and just enjoy each other’s company. No need to worry about tomorrow. Really, what was the rush?

I left my flat and went over to Juju’s place,
“Juuuj fet7y ilbaaab” I said knocking the door,
“Noorooo shtabeen shtabeeen? UFF!” she yelled opening the door,
“I missed you”
“Hahah 3ayara, come” she said letting me in, I walked in to the usual mess in her flat, kicking an open suitcase on my way in,
“Uff Juju madry meta bete3alemain you unpack properly!”
“You know what I love the most about going back home?”
“What?”
“That I reach Doha and in an hour my luggage magically unpacks itself”
“Hahah you’re such a spoilt brat!”
“La arjooch!”
“Heheh.. Juuj I need to talk to you about something”
“Hmm gooly”
And I told her everything he said,
“Men 9ijich Nooro? Ya3ny you’re actually considering this?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“You’re only setting up yourself for heartbreak”
“Juuj!”
“You know I’ll support you with whatever you do, bs ya3ny madry, a7es it’s too vague, I mean how long does he expect you to wait? And what exactly are you waiting for?”
“Madry, he just said he loves me and he wanted me to wait for him”
“And you’re willing to do anything he wants just because he told you he loves you?”
“I love him. It’s as simple as that”
“Noor you made up your mind right?”
“I think so”
“So good luck” she said getting up and hugging me, “I hope you don’t need it but you know I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on”
“I know. I love you”
“Ana ba3ad.. Hmm.. so.. go call him”
“Why?”
“Tell him you’ll wait for him! Shtan6ereen? Hay broo7a moody kelyoum he changes his mind, dam ina ra’6y 3alaich ilyoum go! Finalize all the details!”
“Heheh ok”

I took my phone and quickly dialled his number.
“Hala”
“Ok”
“Ok?”
“Yes”
“Are you sure Noor?”
“Yes”
“I love you”
“Hmm..”
“Say you love me too”
“Maby”
“You know you want to”
“Maby”
“Noor”
“Na3am”
“You love me?”
“Aha”
“That’s not enough” I could hear the smile in his voice, he was enjoying embarrassing me.
“S3ood 3ad yallah!”
“What? Hhahah”
“It’s not funny! Yallah bye!”
“Noor”
“Ha?”
“I love you” and I hung up, smiling.

Am I happy?

Well, I guess I am.

Until next time..

Hello, My name is.. (68)

Dear Diary,

S3ood came back carrying two bags filled with groceries and a box of pastries from Paul, when I saw him through the peep hole I suddenly felt a rush of emotions, what am I doing? I’m just playing around with my heart, he won’t change. Who was I fooling? He would never admit he has feelings for me, that is if he does have feelings for me.

I opened the door and let him in to the living room, he walked into the kitchen filling the fridge with all the stock he bought,
“Laish Kalaft 3ala roo7ek? Mala da3y I could’ve gone”
“You were cold,” he said smiling at me, why was he doing this to my heart? I can’t take this,
“E 3adi, ya3ny it’s January akeed I’ll be cold.”
“E bs malah da3y te6le3een if I can get your stuff”
“Maraddy ba6la3” I mumbled,
“Inty laish chee 3aneeda?”
“I’m not”
“You are. Inty baby 3aneeda”
“Stop calling me a baby” I yelled at him, for no reason but I was frustrated, why is he being so nice to me all of a sudden?
“What’s wrong Noor?” he said frowning and coming closer to me,
“Nothing’s wrong, uff.. I’m just.. madry..”
I turned around and walked to where he has left the pastries, I grabbed a croissant and bit into it,
“S3ood can you please get me a diet coke?”
“La”
“La wallah?”
“E mub zain lech” he said pouring a glass of orange juice, “juice a7san lech, good for you”
“Maby juice aby diet coke”
“Noor”
“I want diet coke what’s the problem?”
“Mub zain 3ala il9eb7!!”
“You’re not my father!”
“I never said I was, bs agoolech drink the orange juice”
“UFF! Maby! What part of maby don’t you understand?”
“It’s just orange juice! Drink it!”
“It’s just diet coke! Get over it!”
“Fine, have your coke” he said slamming the glass of juice on the table, “asta2then, I’ll see you later”
“S3ood don’t be a baby” I said putting my hand on his arm, he quickly pulled away,
“You’re being the baby, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, I went and everything was fine, when I came back it was like you’re another person, Noor, I don’t want games, I don’t know how to play games, so if this is what you want then I think it’s better that I leave”
“I’m not playing games”
“No? Then would you mind explaining?”
“There’s nothing to explain”
“Ok then see you later,”
“S3ood!”
“Yes?” he said folding his arms and facing me,
“I don’t know how I feel” I whispered,
“What do you mean?”
“You heard me, you confuse me, when I see you a million feelings rush through my body and I don’t know what to do or how to act, I’ve humiliated myself enough in front of you so...”
“You never humiliated yourself Noor, don’t say that..”
“I did. I asked you to marry me and you walked away, how much more humiliating can it get?”
“Noor,” he whispered pulling me into his arms, “I’m so sorry”
“Don’t be, I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, I stayed away not because I hate you like you thought, it’s because of the opposite,” I said, pushing him away,
“Noor, I feel the same way you do”
“What?”
“Yes, but I have a lot of issues that I have to deal with, and this is something I have to do alone, and until I do that, I can’t be with you, but trust me that I mean what I’m saying and that I can’t stay away from you, I tried believe me I tried. I don’t want to hurt you, I would die before I see you getting hurt, and the thought of you being in pain because of me kills me, but I can’t help it”
“So what do you expect me to do? Pretend that we’re friends?”
“No”
“Then what?”
“Tell me that you love me and that you’ll wait for me”
I stared at him, in bewilderment, there’s no other word to describe how I felt, he’s asking me to wait? What is that supposed to mean?
“Noor?”
“Yes?”
“Will you?”
Would I? Could I?
“I don’t know”
“Noor”
“Yes?”
“Please say yes..”
“I don’t know” I said shaking my head,
“Think about it?”
“About what?”
“What I said?”
“Think about putting my life on hold while you sort out your issues? What if you sort them out and then find someone else better suited to the new you?”
“That would never happen”
“You don’t know! You think I don’t have issues? You know Fa6ma, you know what kind of family I come from! You think I’m a carefree person? Well guess what? I’m not! But when I’m in love with someone I expect them to share my issues with me”
“Noor I can’t put you through this, our relationship won’t be perfect and you deserve perfection”
“Awalan you don’t know unless you try, thaneyan no relationship is perfect”
“Noor”
“S3ood 5ala9, I don’t want to keep asking you to be with me.. I’m tired and..”

And he kissed me.

After what seemed like an eternity he pulled away from me, I felt dizzy, breathless and elated,
“Shhhh... t3arfeen tesketeen?” he whispered into my hair, crushing me against his chest, I nodded, not knowing what to say.
“I love you, please wait for me” he said, kissing me on my head and he left the apartment.
What is this supposed to mean?
Until next time..

Hello, My name is.. (67)

Dear Diary,

S3ood has been calling me nonstop since we reached London yesterday and I have been avoiding his calls. I don’t know how to deal with the new S3ood, it was one thing chatting with him on BBM, but having him here right in front of me is totally different story.

Ahmed called me as soon as I reached the apartment yesterday,
“Ya 7maar ya 7ayawan! I HATE YOU!”
“HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH”
“THAT’S SO NOT FUNNY!! HOW COULD YOU!”
“Hahaha, he called me and said that he wanted to surprise you. 9ara7a he scares me a bit, who am I to say no to him anyway? I’m only the friend.”
“Ha ha. Very funny.”
“Hahhah it is actually, I wanted to come just so I can see your face, but then I thought that if I did you would have an excuse to not ride in the car with him. So honestly, how did you feel when you saw him?”
“After the shock?”
“Hmm..?”
“Well. It’s tough to describe. Confused maybe?”
“Why confused?”
“Madry, he’s being the perfect attentive boyfriend, except he’s not my boyfriend, and he’s certainly not my friend. I mean it’s like he’s conveniently forgetting that we decided to do this for the benefit of Fa6ma and 3abdallah”
“Noor..”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you over analyze things?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean why do you have to define the relationship? Why do you have to label it? He’s paying attention, he’s there for you, you’re having fun so enjoy. Just take things at face value. Don’t stress, you’ll get wrinkles”
“Heheh sa5eef!!”
“You know I’m right”
“I guess, but I don’t know, I’m still not sure”
“Well, give him a break, be friends now if that’s what he wants and see how it goes. Not everything has to be intense you know, just enjoy”
“Hmm.. ok. But I still don’t forgive you for doing what you did! La o ygool ly I’m parking! Idiot!”
“Hahahahahha I told you he scares me!”

This morning I woke up to find another 3 missed calls from S3ood and several PINGS on my phone, I tucked my phone away trying to ignore the urge to call him back, I have to clear my mind before I talked to him. There’s only so much pretending I could do.

I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge to reveal a bottle of semi frozen water and a pack of what was once cream cheese. I picked up the cheese and threw it in the bin and walked out of the kitchen to change and go to the supermarket to buy something that will fill my protesting belly. Just as I was stepping into my shoes I heard the doorbell. I looked at my watch, it’s too early for Juju. I peeped through the hole to find S3ood frowning in the corridor. I unlocked the door and he pushed it open quickly,
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Umm.. here?”
“Laish ma tredeen? You had me worried sick!”
“I was sleeping”
“La wallah?”
“E wallah” I giggled
“You find this funny?” he said, grabbing me from both arms and lifting me up so my eyes were levelled with his. Suddenly I understood what Ahmed meant when he said S3ood scared him. I felt the same fear gripping my heart, my smile slowly fading, until he started laughing.
“Hahahahahahaha, 5efty?”
“YES!” I said, hitting him lightly on the shoulder, “PUT ME DOWN!”
“Shbetsaween if I don’t?”
“I’ll bite you!”
“Is that a promise or a threat?”
I felt my brain go blank, it was like I forgot all the vocabulary stored in my head, all the words I ever learnt in my life. What could I ever respond to that?
“Put me down” I whispered,
“Why?”
“I’m hungry”
“Hahaha ok, you want to go out for breakfast?”
“La, 9ara7a bardana o maby a6la3 bs I have nothing in the fridge so I have to go out”
“Afa.. Tamreen amer! Ana aro7 ayeeblech kelshy taben!”
“Really?”
“Kam Noor 3endi?”
“Bas ana?”
“Yes” he whispered, he was still holding me in his arms, I could feel his chest moving with every breath, I would probably feel his heartbeats if I just moved my hand slightly to the left.
“Can you put me down now?”
“Oh. Yes sorry” he said slowly putting me down on the ground, “I’ll go get breakfast and come back”
“Ok. Thank you”

He went down to get us some breakfast and is probably on his way back now, so I better get going, will update soon..

Until next time..