Under her abaya..

She walked into the marbled hotel lobby, her heels clicking on the floor, the cold AC air cooling her hot face after the bright, summer sun in London. Just as she walked past two older women she heard her name,

"Mariam.." she turned around and saw two of her mother's acquaintences,
"Uff kilish mub wagta" she muttered under her breath and walked to where the women were sitting, her abaya billowing behind her.
"Hala 5alty 7abeebty, sam7eeny fedaitech ma cheftech" she said as she kissed each chubby cheek,
"La 7abeebty, shda3wa 3adi, shlonich? o shlon umech?"
"Il7imdilla b5air, inty shlonich 5alty?"
"B5air yumma, hathy 5altech Y, ba3ad t3arf umech"
"Hala 5alty"
"Hala yumma, mashallah 3alaich, ana madry ina Le6eefa 3endaha bnaya 7ilwa chethy, mashallah Allah y7af'6ech, into men zeman hne?"
"Ya3ny 9ar lena 3ashr ayam"
"Sakneen hne?"
"La wallah, bs yaya azoor refeejty sakna hne o ta3bana shway"
"Ah salamat, inzain 7abeebty ma n3a6lech"
"La bel3aks 5alty, ga3datkum ma tenmal. Ma tamroony 3ala shay?"
"La yumma Allah y7af'6ech"

The two women watched her as she gracefully walked towards the lifts, her head down and her shaila securely wrapped around her head,
Lady X looked at Lady Y and said,
"Mashallah 3alaiha, choofeeha shlon msatera, labsa 3abayat'ha fe hal7ar mub banatna, dayreen beljeans o faleen sh3oorhum.. o kel ma gelna shay galaw il3abaya mub kelshy."
"E wallah, choofeha 7ata ras'ha ma terfe3a, 7ata ma chafatna o i7na ga3deen jedamha! Mashallah. Men chethy banatna ma yen5a6bon, aham shay ilseter laken banat halayam ma yesme3oon il7achy"
"E wallah, t9adgeen, thak ilyoum Um Mohammed tgool ly taby te56eb 7ag walad'ha 3abdelra7man, bagool laha 3an Mariam.. wallah 5osh bnaya"
"E wallah.. ana ash'had 5osh bnaya"

As soon as she got into the lift, her phone rang,
"Aloo akany yaya.. shfeek mista3yel 7abeeby?" she looked at her reflection in the mirror and slowly untied her shaila and adjusted her hair.
Two minutes later he opened the door wearing nothing but boxers that revealed how happy he was to see her.
"Wainich ya galby te2a5arty 3alay?"
"7abeeby legait thentain y3arfoon ummy o msekony ysolfoon"
"3asa ma s2eloch 3an shay?"
"La gelt lehum iny yaya 7ag refeejty"
She took off her abaya to show off her slim figure, clad in hotpants and tight tanktop.
"Ta3aly 3endi" he murmered pulling her into his arms,
"La la.. wa5er 3any.."
"Laish ya galby?"
"Ma yebt ly ily gelt lik 3ana"
"Ela yebta.." he said handing her the wrapped maroon box,
"Yay.. achoof?" she said, sitting on his lap as she unwrapped the box, his hands finding their way under her tank top,
"This is not the one I wanted.." she pouted turning to look at him, showing him the gold ring on her finger and pulling his hand from under her tank top away from her breast.
"7abeebty wallah they didn't have the one with diamonds in your size" he said rubbing her thigh and nuzzling her shoulder,
"Maby maby.. I thought you wanted me"
"Of course I do.. can't you see how much I want you?" he said moving her hand to show her,
"La la not enough.." she said getting up and putting her abaya back on again,
"5ala9 7abeebty wala yhemech.. bokra I'll get you something else"
"Ok then, I'll see you tomorrow"

She wrapped her shaila securely around her head and walked out of the room, her phone rang,
"Aloo"
"Hala 7abeebty.."
"Hala ya galby.."
"Wainich mn zeman ma cheftech?"
"Inta ma tabeeny"
"Akeed abeech.. ta3aleely, I have a surprise for you."
"Ok..half an hour and I'll be there."

She walked out of the hotel lobby, her head down, her heels clicking against the marble floor, the two ladies still watching her, admiring her,
"Choofeeha mashallah 3alaiha.. 7ata ma 6awelat 3end refeejat'ha"
"Ee mashallah.. lazem akalem Um Mohammed 3anha"

Ugly..

Her fingers traced the familiar lines of his face on the paper. She watched her manicured fingers as they moved across his sketched smile, she could see the twinkle in his eyes shining through the paper. The twinkle that is now dull because of her.

Her heart beat faster when she remembered their last conversation,

"De5eeelech stop calling me.."
"But I can't.. I love you..""Did you love me when you cheated on me?""I did.. I mean I do.." she pleaded,
"Allah yer'6a 3alaich leave me alone" he whispered,
"I told you I can't.. It's killing me.. It's tearing me up..I love you, wallah il3a'6eem I love you"
"What about my cousin? Do you love him too?"
"NO! No no no.. it's you and only you.. it's always been you..""Then why the hell did you cheat on me with him? You fooled both of us!! We were both in love with you!! What the HELL! Did you think we won't find out? What kind of a sick game are you playing?"
"I'm not playing.. I love you.. I can't be without you.. please listen to me"
"I can't.. not anymore.. I heard enough.. 5ala9.. it's over.."
"Please.. I'm begging you.. "
"Do you know what you're feeling now?"
"Yes.. I love you.."
"No.. you love yourself.. you just feel bad because you don't want me to have an ugly image of you in my head.. but this is what you are.. an ugly person hiding behind a beautiful face.."
She lifted her head and stared at the face looking back at her in the mirror, her hand on her cheek, carressing the graceful features of her face,

"Ugly person behind a beautiful face" she murmered.

Why..

She sat on the corner of her bed, her hands trembling as she wiped the dusty book with her sleeve. Reluctantly she opened the first page to reveal the words he wrote for her, so many years ago:

To my love,
I didn't know what to get you, I thought of so many different things, but nothing will ever be enough for you, so I chose to give you these words, although you might not understand them now, I promise that I will be next to you for the rest of my life, teaching you and guiding you, in life and love.
5/10/2000

A tear dropped down her face as she remembered that day, how he laughed at her when she couldn't read the first line of the book and how 4 months later, after he had broken her heart she was able to read, understand and feel every line of it.

Her fingers traced the lines on the pages going through the familiar words

ضحكت و قلت: الغرام تولى وعشت و اياك فصل الختام
محوت سطور الغرام القديم و ما من جديد يثير اهتمامي
أجاب فؤادي و قال : محال فجرحك مازال دون التئام

It was as though the lines were written for her, as if he was telling her that this is her future: heartbroken and unable to forget. All she had left from him was words and broken promises.

She smiled with new resolve, wiping the tears off her face and pushing the book to the back of her closet, hoping for a better tomorrow

*Poem: Lematha (2) by Dr. Mana Saeed Al Otaiba

Weakness..

He woke up with her name on his lips. He sighed and turned to his right to find his wife sleeping peacefully next to him,
"il7imdilla ma sme3at.." he whispered. He recited ilmo3awethat under his breath and turned to his right side, trying to drift off to sleep, but her ghost followed him everytime he closed his eyes. He remembered her beautiful face, her long wavy hair, her pure white skin, her innocent smile, her contagious laugh, and a lonely tear escaped through his eyelids.

Lonely like him.

He remembered her face when he told her that he can't be with her anymore, she can't be his wife, the baby they dreamt of will never be born, the house they imagined will never be built.
She swore that day they she won't cry for him, she told him that he was weak and the man she fell in love with was not.

Was he really weak? he wondered, he certainly never argued with his father the day he told him he was to marry his cousin.

After that day he didn't see her, she dissappeared from his life, until ironically he saw her in his wedding, the day that they had planned together, except she was not the one waiting for him on the small stage, instead she was the one sitting on a far table, swaying to the loud music with tears streaming down her face.

Did he let her down? Maybe, but he definately let himself down.

Strength..

"Guess what? I have a surprise for you" he whispered into the phone,
"What?" she answered, uninterested, as she picked up the blood red nailpolish,
"I'm coming to Doha just to see you, I can't wait"
"I can't see you"
"Why not?"
"I just can't.. uff.. why do you have to turn everything into an argument?" she yelled into the phone, throwing the nailpolish on the dressing table,
"Baby I miss you and I want to see you, I'm leaving everything behind at home and I'm coming for a week to see you, just to be with you.. don't I deserve a few hours a day from you?"
"I told you I can't see you, laish ma tefham?"
"Baby please.." he whispered, his heart beating faster, he hated how she treated him, and yet he couldn't stop being with her, wanting her, "You don't have to go out with me, I'll see you mn b3eed.."
"Itha betyey 3ashany, latyey.."
"I can't.. I'll come, hoping to see you.. lo 9edfa.."
"Kaifik.." she said hanging up.

And so he came, everyday he would wander the streets with his friends, distracted, looking for her, hoping.. everyday he would call her.. and everyday she would watch her phone as it blinked with his name once every hour.. and for the seven days that he was in her country she didn't leave the house.. just incase she made his day by catching a glimpse of her.

On the eighth day she recieved a message from him,
'I'm tired of this, I'm tired of playing your games, I love you but I can no longer do this. I'm crazy about you and you feel nothing, how can this be? How can the love I have for you mean nothing? Good bye, you will never hear from me again'"Yeah right" she whispered, she pressed reply and typed in,
'But I need you'

10 seconds later her phone flashed with his name, she answered the phone to hear him whisper,
"I can't live without you.. you're my drug"
"I know" she answered, smiling as she painted her nails with the blood red polish.

Time..

She looked into the mirror, stared into the mirror. 

Who was that stranger staring back at her? Could it be possible that those dull eyes are hers? Or that ragged face, etched with lines is her face

She put a wrinkled hand on her cheek, touching the papery skin.

And she flinched.

This is her.

She could still hear his voice, 20 years ago.. calling her name,
"I want you to be mine "
"I'm no ones. I'm myself""You're arrogant; but you're mine whether you like it or not. You'll always be mine""Never"
"Come with me.. be with me.. live with me.. carry my children""But I'm still too young.. I want to see the world.. I want to walk my path""See it through my eyes.. walk holding my hands..""I can't.. I won't..""Then you'll see a dark world and you'll stumble accross your path"

And he left.

With the arrogance of youth, she thought she'll replace him; easily. At first she told herself she'll find someone better, when she understood she didn't want better she started looking for him in every face she saw, in every voice she heard, the years passed quickly, the search got more frantic, until she realised he was irreplaceable.

She went looking for him.
"I told you you were mine""You don't own me, no one does"
"But I do. You live through me"
"Now who's arrogant?"
"You're the reflection in my mirror""We're like parallel lines..""So we will never meet.. Good bye my love.. you had me once and you lost me"

She continued to look at her face in the mirror, a tear escaping through her sparce eyelashes.

If you saw me now.. (8)

If you saw me now..

Would you dream with me?

Remember that game I used to play in physics class when we were bored? Imagine if dreams were to come true.. you used to laugh at me, saying that I had a wild imagination, I would tell you my dreams and we would imagine what would happen if they came true.

Imagine if, you were still here.

This is what I have been dreaming about since the day you passed away, every morning I wake up, every morning, for the first 10 seconds of waking up, when I would still be between dreamland and reality, I would hit the snooze button on my alarm I would forget, and would imagine that you were there to listen to my dreams. Every morning, reality hits just as my alarm ceases to ring, and I drag my feet from under my warm blankets and shuffle towards my bathroom to start a new morning without you.

Every day, K. Every day until yesterday.

Yesterday my dream was different, I dreamt I was flying, up on the clouds, my hands going through the cold candy-like vapour, the sun shining bright, a cold breeze running through my hair, and I was laughing. I turned to look around for you and couldn’t find you. You weren’t there K, but I was ok. I wasn’t sad, even though I missed you, I understood. I understood that even though you weren’t there, I was. I understood that I had to laugh, I had to breathe, and I had to live. For the first time in four years I woke up knowing that you weren’t there to share my dreams any more. For the first time, I didn’t have to drag my feet to the bathroom, for the first time I started my day with a smile.

Remember when, I used to believe? I believed in loving and being loved. I believed because of you, because you made it possible, I want to believe again K, I want to feel loved like I used to feel with you. I want to, and today I believe that I will again. One day someone will give me what you have given me before, and I will love again.

Just as I looked around me in my dream, I saw someone coming towards me, the sun was shining behind him so I couldn’t see his face properly, but I was happy he was there, somehow I recognised him, I knew who he was, he was coming for me. His smile wasn’t like yours, and his hands were not yours K, but they fit perfectly into mine, spreading the warmth through my tired body. He held my hand and we both smiled, floating together on the clouds.

I woke up smiling this morning K, because I knew that I can make this dream come true, and Khaled, imagine if, this does come true, I will be happy again, and I will believe.

Good bye my love,

I will always dream with you.

If you saw me now.. (7)

If you saw me now...

Would you dance with me?

Close your eyes, be one with the music. Remember our drama teacher? Hahah I miss those days, we used to laugh so much at her when she said that, but now I know what she meant. Close your eyes, be one with the music. I close my eyes, lose myself with the music and if I concentrate hard enough, I can still find you, lost between the notes; you lurk behind the sound streaming out of my earphones, the rhythm of the music resembling your steady breathing against my neck as we slowly stepped our practiced routine. If I extend my hand, I can still feel your broad shoulders; if I close my eyes I can still feel the soft cotton of your school uniform against my cheek.

Close your eyes, be one with the music.

It’s weird how music can transport you to another time, sometimes I would be sitting with my friends or my family and I would forget; forgive me, but for a few minutes I forget, and then right there and then, a few words coming out through the TV or radio would take me back to you, back to a time when I was happy.

You know, I’m still thinking of the question my therapist asked; I have a confession to make K, I’m sorry but I did try to replace you, somehow I think I still am. Forgive me K, but I can’t go on like this, I can’t be alone for the rest of my life, but the problem is, the more I try to replace you, the more I realise that you are irreplaceable. No one will ever be able to be like you, every person I talked to, or even saw, failed in their comparison to you, so I stopped trying. It’s just not worth it, I know. You’re the only person I would ever be happy with, so why bother? Why torture myself and another person? All I got from my attempts were comments about how “sick” and “weird” I was, as if I needed someone to tell me, they think I don’t know K.

You know what’s funny K? Well, not funny as in haha funny, but funny as in ironic; all the men I met thought that I was weird because of you, they don’t know that this is how I’ve always been, they don’t know that you found my neurosis charming, that you tolerated my mood swings, that you contained my outbursts with a smile, that you touched me and I forgot why I was upset. They don’t know that when you were with me, I forgot who I was, and for some time I was able to pretend that I was a normal human being, just like them.

Close your eyes and dance with me, I need to feel my hands on your broad shoulders, I need to feel your cotton shirt against my cheek.

As always,

My heart is for you my love...

If you saw me now.. (6)

If you saw me now...

Would you smile for me?

I miss your smile K; somehow it always managed to make the world less hostile, less threatening. Do you remember how we met? That day in the sandbox, when Mesha3el pushed me and I grazed my knee, I was just about to cry, when you came and hugged me, told me that it’s only a small cut and that I should ignore it, if I closed my eyes and pretended that it wasn’t there it wouldn’t hurt. So I did, but where are you now to teach me how to ignore the pain in my heart? Can I ever pretend that it doesn't exist? I don’t think so K.

You taught me to always smile, even when I was being insulted. Smiling would reassure your friends and weaken your enemies you told me. I still do that, you would be proud of me, I don’t even have to force the smile anymore, it comes naturally, but it’s a fake smile K, the one that never reaches your eyes. I still have sad eyes, but people like me because of my smile; I guess your theory works after all.

Do you know what I wish for sometimes? Well, other than you that is. I wish we could reverse time. Why do you think? No, not so that I steal your car keys, I know that what happened was inevitable, there’s nothing I could do about it. I would reverse time so I could love you less, so I could not have you in my life so much, so I could belong to someone else, so that when it was time for you to go, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Every corner in my room reminds me of you, everywhere I turn I find some little thing that you left behind, small footprints of your existence in my life. Sometimes I wish for less of those, not because I don’t love you K, but because I love you too much. I love you to the extent that my heart feels like it’s going to burst; it physically hurts your love, even when you were alive.

What can I do K? Other than smile and pretend that I’m alive, what can I do? When will I find meaning in my life again? I don’t know.

These letters are supposed to show me how to move on, but I don’t know, all they seem to be doing is to highlight how much I miss you, how much I love you. As if I needed a reminder. My therapist asked me if I thought they were helping me, well, not really, but you know how much I enjoy talking to you, does that count as help? She then asked me a weird question, she asked if I ever tried to find someone else, you know, to replace you. That’s a valid question, I mean anyone else would’ve moved on by now, but I don’t think I can. I’m not saying our love was stronger than everyone else’s, well maybe it was, I don’t know, what I know is that, how can I replace you? How can one replace a part of their body? Doesn’t the body sometimes reject transplants, even though the new organ would save it? Did you ever think why? I don’t know, but her question rattled me; what do you think?

As always,

My smiles are for you my love...

If you saw me now.. (5)

If you saw me now...

Would you feel sorry for me?

I just got home, I was out with Mesha3el and I supposedly had fun; actually I did, but K, I can’t be alone anymore.

I’m sitting in my room, all alone, and I have the urge to talk, to anyone. I pick up my phone and my fingers automatically dial your number, but the other side is forever silent, forever gone. 

I need you K.

I look in the mirror and there’s nothing wrong with the image in front of me, she smiles, she has shiny hair, nice skin, but dull eyes. 

I don’t want dull eyes anymore.

Here I am sitting, fully dressed, my red lipstick on, my long hair flowing, just the way you liked to see me, and yet where are you? I started going through your old pictures, looking at you smile, revisiting the life we shared, and yet I cannot help but feel like I’m looking at a stranger. Someone I used to know a long time ago, but no longer have a connection with.

I hate feeling this way K, that’s why I’m writing to you now, because I want that connection back, but it’s not possible is it? You’re gone, long gone, and I have to accept it. I have to learn to stop dialling your number, stop calling your name when I wake up scared at night, stop talking to you as if you will answer me.

I can’t, I won’t erase you but I can’t keep doing this. I have no energy left, I cannot go on without you. I feel so alone, life is cold without you K, and I don’t want to feel cold anymore.

As always,

I long for you my love.