New Year.. (2)

I sat in my car singing at the top of my voice,
'awal il7ub.. na'6ra.. o ibtesamat dalal, o aa5er il7ub.. dam3a.. o ibte3ad 6eweeeeel'
'My god stop being such a drama queen! I'm done listening to your songs' said Mariam flipping through the radio channels.
'I wanna have fun today, it's my only day off'
'Oh come on, you love your job, it's not so bad'
'Yeah, easy for you to say, you don't work'
'Hey! I study, I'm doing my Phd'
'So you say, I haven't seen you doing any work lately'
'That's true, I haven't been doing enough, it takes a lot of discipline'
'Whatever Alia'
We sat quietly in the car while I navigated the morning Doha traffic to reach our destination,
'I can't believe he got married'
'Mariam'
'No really, I mean, he got married'
'Yeah, it's a natural progression, you graduate, you find a job you get married and have kids'
'He has kids?'
'I don't know, I didn't ask but yeah why not?'
'When did he get married?'
'I don't know, I don't care'
'You're not curious?'
'Beyond him breaking my heart, I don't think there's anything else I need to know'
'I guess, it's just weird, why now?'
'The message?'
'Yeah I mean, we don't even know why he broke up with you and now he reappears after 4 years. He didn't say anything?'
'We didn't really talk Mariam, it was only a few messages'
I started getting irritated, I don't want to be questioned about something I don't understand, I don't know why now, I don't know why he broke up with me, I don't know now just like I didn't know then.
'Hey, my phone is ringing, do me a favour check who it is'
'Umm.. Alia..'
'Yeah'
'It's him'
'Crap'
'Do you want to answer?'
'No'
'Ok'
We both remained silent as we tried to ignore his number flashing on my screen. The number I know so well, the only number other than my own in fact that I have committed to memory.
'He sent a message' she mumbled, 'should I open it?'
'Yeah, why not'

Khaled: Sorry, just wanted to say hi, happy new year :)

'So? Do you want to reply?'
'And say what? Happy new year buddy?'
'I don't know, don't snap at me!'
'Sorry'
'It's ok' she said reaching out and putting her hand on mine,
'Damn this traffic, don't know when construction will end'
'Umm.. another message'
'What does it say?'

Khaled: I miss you

'Tell him to screw himself'

Alia: Screw you, stop texting me.
Khaled: I will if you pick up the phone

'Tell him I'm driving, can't speak'

Alia: Can't speak. I'm driving.
Khaled: But you're texting me, how's that safer?

'Tell him it's you'

Alia: It's Mariam, I'm typing what she's saying.
Khaled: Oh, hi M. I miss you too
Alia: Screw you.
Khaled: Is that Alia now?
Alia: No it's still me, this screw you is from me Mariam.
Khaled: Fine, I deserve it from you too
Alia: What do you want from her?
Khaled: Can we please have a proper conversation? Can I call?

'He wants to call'
'And he always gets what he wants right?' I said bitterly, 'fine let him call'
Alia: Fine, you can call.

Immediately the phone starts ringing, she looks at me and I nod for her to answer.

'Good morning'

That voice.

The sleepy, husky voice that I loved so much. I felt a shiver go down my spine, a thousand emotions overwhelming my body. I couldn't even respond to his good morning, why was I doing this to myself?

'What do you want?' replied Mariam, I really do appreciate my friend, she knew that I didn't have the energy to respond. I didn't even have the focus to drive anymore so I found the closest space I can park at and stopped my car, my hands now trembling. How does he do this? After all those years he still has the ability to disorient me like this.

'Mariam..'
'What Khaled? What do you want? Really? I mean, stop pretending like you didn't disappear from our lives 4 years ago over night and just tell us what do you want?'
'I miss you, you Mariam and Alia, I miss you both'
'Stop repeating that and just say what you want'
'Ok ok.. I'm moving to Doha.'
We both stared at each other. He was Saudi, he has no family here, why would he move to Doha?
'And why would we care?' She replied, I snorted, of course we cared. He knew we wouldn't want to bump into him at some mall or restaurant while he was with his wife, he didn't want me to breakdown in public; he was being a gentleman.
'I assume your wife is coming with you?' I asked,
'Hi Alia, yes my family is coming with me' he replied quietly,
'Your family?' I repeated,
'Yes, I have a 2 year old daughter'
'Wow. You didn't waste time huh?'
'Alia..'
'What? You broke up with me and got married a month later?'
'Two months actually..'
'Unbelievable' I laughed, he got married while I was still mourning his loss. He was probably on his honeymoon when I was holed up in my apartment, too depressed to move from my bed. I was mourning the love of my life while the love of my life was cavorting on some beach with some bimbo.
'So again Khaled, what do you want from me?'
'Nothing I told you, I missed you, I'm moving to Doha, to a country where I know no one, but you and Mariam, I would like to think that I have a friend'
'You've lost the privilege of being our friend Khaled' replied Mariam, 'you didn't just break up with her, you disappeared, completely. It was like you fell off the face of the earth. you didn't have the decency to tell any of us why or how and now you have the audacity to come and claim our friendship'
'I disappeared because it was the easier option! You think I didn't suffer? You think I wasn't heartbroken? You think I didn't fight for her? You don't know anything!' He was screaming now. I put my hands over my ears, I couldn't listen to this anymore, it was too much.
'Khaled, this was a mistake, I can't talk to you, I thought I could handle it but I really can't. Congratulations on your marriage and your kid. Good luck with your move, for whatever reason..'
'I got a job in Doha and..'
'I don't care why you're moving here. I don't care about you anymore, just leave us alone, you did a good job disappearing 4 years ago, no need to ruin it.'

New Year.. (1)

I don't believe in love.

Actually, I do, just not for me. I'm too cynical, always have been, always will be. I mean I've seen it happen, I've actually even felt it before, a long long time ago, it was beautiful, it was honest, it was ultimate bliss, until it all came crashing down on my head; until it ruined my life.

Tonight people celebrate, look forward to a coming year, people are optimistic, happy, hopeful; people are naive.

So I got dumped on New Year's eve. A long time ago. He was the best thing that happened to me and he was the worst thing that happened to me.

He broke my heart and I still haven't recovered, 4 years ago on new year's eve he broke my heart and for 4 years, every night like tonight I look at my phone, hoping and wishing for a message from him, a message that never comes; until tonight.

'I miss you'

And just like that all the floodgates are opened. I've been sitting here staring at my phone for an hour, should I respond? Should I not? I haven't heard from him in years, do I want to respond? He broke my heart, but he also made me happy.

I quickly text my best friend Mariam

Alia: Hey, what you doing?
Mariam: At the barbecue. Why didn't you come?
Alia: I'm not good company
Mariam: You're in an idiot
Alia: So he sent me a text
Mariam: Who?
Alia: Who do you think?

And my phone rings.

'Hey'
'What did it say?'
'He said he missed me'
'And what did you say?'
'Nothing, I don't know what to say'
'When did he send it?'
'Like an hour ago, 55 minutes to be precise'
'Don't tell me you've been staring at your phone?'
'Ok, I won't tell you that'
'Damn you, you shouldn't be alone'
'I told you, new year's is not my thing, I'm never good company on a new year'
'Yeah yeah. So what will you do?'
'Don't know, that's why I texted you, so you in your infinite wisdom will tell me what to do'
'You're 24 years old, you should know what you want'
'I do, unless it has to do with him, then I really don't'
'Do you want to get back together with him?'
'Does he?'
'Well, he says he misses you, I assume that means he wants to reinitiate the relationship'
'Or friendship, we were friends first remember?'
'When you were students, both in the same country, going to classes together, yeah, that made sense, but now? I don't know'
'Well I don't either'
'Hmm..'
'What would you do if you were me? What would you text back?'
'So you decided to text back?'
'No, I don't know. Hypothetically. If I were to respond, what should I say?'
'What do you want to say?'
'What would you say?'
'I'd tell him to go screw himself and never text me again'
'Mariam!'
'You asked'
'He was your friend too'
'Until he screwed you over, then he became the ass that broke my best friend'
'I'm not broken!'
'You were for a long time. Still are, in some ways'
'So? I should just delete his message right?'
'Not if you feel you have something to say'
'Do I?'
'You tell me'
'I don't know. Anyway go back to the party, I can hear them yelling your name, say hi to everyone and have fun'
'I'll call you later'
'K, go have fun'
'Bye'

And she hung up. I continued to stare at my phone for another 5 minutes until it startled me with a new flashing message,

'Ok, it was presumptuous of my to send my previous message. I feel awkward, do you even remember me?'

That idiot.

How can a girl forget her first love? Her first heartbreak, the guy who promised her the moon and made her feel like the most beautiful girl on earth.

Suddenly, I felt angry.

Alia: You idiot, tonight of all nights? Why?
Khaled: Because tonight of all nights I miss you the most
Alia: Screw you
Khaled: I deserve that
Alia: You do. What do you want from me?
Khaled: I don't know, nothing I guess
Alia: Again, why tonight?
Khaled: I told you. I miss you. I miss my best friend.
Alia: You broke my heart
Khaled: I know. I'm sorry.
Alia: Sorry is not good enough
Khaled: I got married

I stared at my phone, this is unbelievable. I guess it makes sense, he had always wanted to get married, start a family, but why is he telling me? Is he trying to rub it in?

Alia: Congratulations, does she know her husband is an idiot?
Khaled: I tell her everyday
Alia: Why are you telling me?
Khaled: Because, I told you, I miss my friend.

And I missed him too, we could've stayed friends, he was the one who decided to move away, change universities, change his number. He erased himself from my life, one night, he decided he no longer loved me, one new year eve, he decided to break my heart and prove to me once and for all that love does happen, only not to me and if it does, it hurts like hell.

Home..

No matter where you go in life, there's always this one place you yearn to be,

The place where your family is, your history, your heritage,

Where you first fell in love, had your heart broken, mended yourself and moved on,

Where the air smells sweet despite the heat,

Where even heartbreak is bearable,

Because you know that this is your home; this is where you belong.

Happy National Day my beloved country, there's no place else I'd rather belong to.

Senses.. (End)

He stood as usual smoking his morning cigarette and waiting for her to arrive, it became their morning ritual, to walk in to the office building together. He smiled as she walked towards him,
'I thought you were gonna quit smoking' she said, feigning anger at him, she reached out to take his cigarette as he was bringing it closer to his lips but he quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her closer,
'If you touch me here, I will pull you and kiss you' he whispered,
'Fahad!'
'Hahaha, then don't touch my cigarette while I'm smoking it, don't start something that you can't finish'
'Fahad! you're unbelievable! I'm going in'
'Haha ta3aly ta3aly, I'm just kidding, hah yallah I threw it out' he said as he stepped over the cigarette stub, 'I will quit 7abeebty bs shway shway, I can't do it over night'
'Ok, fine.'
He followed her into the building smiling, he couldn't believe it was finally happening, they were officially now man and wife, waiting for the wedding to take place in six months. The legal ceremony took place quietly at home, she didn't want to make a fuss, she just wanted the two families and her close friends; he didn't care, he just wanted her.

****
The wedding was everything she had wanted, small, intimate, with only her friends and both their families. She felt her knees weaken as he walked towards her, tall and handsome in his bisht, beaming at her.
'I have wished for this moment for years, you are now truly mine, I love you' he told her and kissed her forehead. Everything after that was a blur to her, it was now time to go up to their bridal suite, again fear and anxiety gripped her heart, where do they go after this?

'Fahad?'
'Yes ya 3yoon Fahad'
'Do you think we'll become one of those boring couples?' she said as she sat next to him on the sofa,
'Haha why?'
'I don't know, you think now after the wedding things will become mundane? I mean there won't be passion left?'
'Is this a trick question?'
'No! I'm serious. I always have this fear of you getting bored of me' she whispered,
'First, I would never ever take you for granted ever again, I've said that a million times, I could never face losing you again. Second, I won't get bored, things might get mundane, we will probably fight, at some point we might want to kill each other, but I will always, always love you. And I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you.'
'I don't know..'
'Listen, we have a lot ahead of us, first I want to enjoy you, spending time with you, traveling and having fun, and then we're having the kids and I want a lot of them, because I love kids and because I will enjoy making them with you' he said grinning,
'Fahad!'
'Haha don't yell at me, you are now officially my wife, I will love you, respect you and cherish you for the rest of my life and I will do my best to make you as happy as you make me, now can we start our life together?'

Senses.. (32)

Nouf: What are you doing Wednesday night?
Fahad: Nothing, you?
Nouf: Oh. I have a special day :)
Fahad: ?
Nouf: I'm getting married.

He sat at his desk, frowning at his phone, the words in front of him not quite registering in his brain, does that mean that she will marry him? He picked up his office phone and dialled her extension quickly.

'Dr. Fahad?'
'What are you doing on Wednesday again?'
'I'm getting married' she giggled, 'what about you?'
'I don't know, am I getting married too?'
'You better be'
'I gather the mothers talked?'
'And the fathers are preparing the bishts'
'And I wasn't told why?'
'I told them I'll tell you'
'I love you'
'I know'
'And you love me?'
'I guess'
'Can you come to my office have breakfast with me?'
'It's 11, I had breakfast already'
'Ok, we can have an early lunch'
'I'm not hungry'
'Can you just come?'
'Ok, ok, coming'

She shut the phone and smiled at her friend, 'Manal I feel good, finally'
'Because you decided on what to do, he makes you happy, just be happy Noufa'
'Inshallah, do I look ok?'
'You look beautiful, just go'

She walked in to his office and smiling, her smile mirrored on his face,
'Can I kiss my bride?'
'Fahad! we're in the office'
'Close the door behind you please'
'Fahad..'
'Close the door..' he whispered, as she obeyed and closed the door behind her, 'come here' he said grabbing her hand and pulling her to him, holding her close to him, 'I've been dying to do this for some time'
'Fahad.. we can't..' she whispered pushing him away gently,
'Fine, come sit next to me' he said pulling her towards the sofa, 'so.. you changed your mind?'
'Umm.. I wouldn't say changed, just made up my mind..'
'Are you happy?'
'I think so.. are you?'
'Ecstatic'
'I'm glad'
'So.. ilmelcha wednesday, when's the wedding?'
'Hey.. I need time to plan' she laughed,
'I don't have time, I want as you are, we've wasted enough time, my fault I know.. before you start blabbering.. I don't want to waste more, I want to start the rest of our lives'
'Hey! I don't blabber!'
'You do, shway.. but I love you anyway'
'I want a small wedding, so.. six months?'
'Six months?? for a small wedding? so if it was big how long would you make me wait?'
'A year normally.. Listen it's my wedding, and I'm only getting married once'
'Hopefully' he laughed,
'Hey!'
'So tell me.. where do you want to go on our honeymoon?'
'I don't know.. where do you want?'
'Our bedroom'
'Fahad!'
'What? I'm being honest.. I don't care where we go, as long as you're with me'
'Well, when you put it this way..'
'I was worried..'
'When?'
'The other day, after we talked..'
'Really?'
'Yeah, I thought you would tell me that it's not worth the heartbreak and we should just tell our families that it didn't work out'
'Honestly, I was about to..'
'But?'
'I love you, and I'd rather we try, I'd rather risk with you, then be safe and sad with someone else'

Senses.. (31)

'Just marry the damn guy!'
'Manal!!'
'Wallah! Put us all out of our misery, this has been going on for too long, how many times did he tell you he loves you?'
'It's not enough, I know he does, I just don't know if I'm enough. What if I disappoint him, you know, after we're married?'
'You mean in bed?'
'Manal!'
'What? It's a valid point, he has experience, but again, he loves you, I don't think that's the only thing on his mind, otherwise he would've married anyone.'
'You think I should text him?'
'Call him.'
'Now? It's too late'
'Ok, text and ask if he's still up'
'Ok, wait'

Nouf: Are you awake?

'Ok I just did'
'Did he reply?'
'No. Oh he just did, how am I supposed to text him with you on the phone?'
'Just put me on speaker'
'Ok'
'What did he say ya 7mara! The suspense is killing me'

Fahad: Can't sleep, why are you still up?

'What should I say?'
'Say you're thinking of him'
'That's so lame'
'But it's true'
'No I don't wanna say that'
'Ok, just say you're thinking'

Nouf: Don't know, thinking..
Fahad: Thinking of what to type to me or just thinking?

'What's that supposed to mean?'
'Don't know, type question mark, not literally, just the sign ya3ny'
'I get it I'm not an idiot'
'I wouldn't be so sure'
'Ha Ha'

Nouf: ?
Fahad: It takes you ages to reply, keeps saying Nouf is typing a message then I get two words lol
Fahad: Never mind I was trying to be funny

'He's making fun of me'
'Testahlain, I told you to call him'

Fahad: Can I call you?

'He wants to call'
'So let him!'

Nouf: Yes

'Ok he's calling, I'll call you back'
'Don't! I'm going to sleep, g'night'
'Ok, g'night'

'Hi'
'Hi you'
'So?'
'So? You can't sleep?'
'No, what about you'
'You know I don't sleep much'
'Yeah, you get by with 4 hours, never understood that'
'Yeah, you need your beauty sleep. I'm handsome regardless of how many hours I sleep'
'Trying to be funny tonight I see'
'Trying but not really succeeding it seems, haha'
'Fahad?'
'3yoony'
'I don't know what to do'
'Noufa'
'Hmm..'
'7abeebty'
'Hmm..'
'What do you want?'
'I want.. I don't know..'
'It's ok 7abeebty you can tell me'
'I want things to be easy'
'In what sense?'
'In the sense that.. I don't want to worry about what's gonna happen tomorrow.. I want to feel safe.. I don't want to be heartbroken and humiliated again.. I don't want Zaina and London to happen again.. I want to love you and feel happy being in love with you..'
'I think.. I think that the last part is the most significant.. that at least.. you still want to love me..'
'Fahad I can't not love you, I think that's what's killing me the most.. it's like it's part of my DNA. Like all my life I was moving towards loving you, and it freaks me out'
'Why?'
'Because..'
'Because what?'
'Because I don't want this love to be my undoing'
'Nouf..'
'No, you don't understand.. I can't live through another heartbreak.. I wouldn't be able to survive it..'
'Shhh.. it's ok 7abeebty.. please don't cry.. I swear to you I would never do anything to hurt you,  I learnt my lesson very well.. I can't go through the heartbreak again.. what happened changed me.. I swear to you..'
'What if I'm not enough for you?'
'What do you mean?'
'I mean what if in a few months or years or however long you meet someone you're more attracted to..'
'Haha.. Nouf.. that's the most natural thing in the world..'
'See? I can't do this..'
'Shh.. hey.. hey.. it's normal to be attracted to people, if I saw a beautiful woman I will acknowledge her beauty, but I would never act on it, because no beauty is worth losing you again..'
'How do you know that?'
'I know that because I haven't been with anyone since being with you.. sure I've met a lot of beautiful women, I won't lie, but never developed into a relationship and I never sought them out'
'So.. you've been single since? I find that hard to believe'
'Haha.. thanks, I appreciate your confidence in me. Yes I've been single, by choice at first, and then it just became a more natural state for me'
'So.. if we didn't work together, you wouldn't have married someone else'
'I don't know, I don't think so.. maybe if I was under pressure, eventually'
'I see'
'Nouf.. I'm trying to be honest with you.. I love you..'
'I see that'
'But?'
'I'm scared'
'So just jump in and lets get married'
'Really?'
'Really. Take a leap of faith'
'Yeah?'
'Yeah, think of it this way.. there's always divorce'
'Fahad!'
'Haha I apologise.. another bad attempt at a joke..'
'Bad indeed'
'Noufa'
'Yes?'
'I love you, stop waiting for me to fail and believe in me'

The First..

They say your first is always the most significant, but define first?

You weren't my first love, you weren't my first disappointment in life, you weren't my first heartbreak but somehow you were the most significant.

You were the first person I thought of when I woke up, the last on my mind when I fell asleep. Your name a constant whisper on my lips, I was so proud of you I wanted to scream that you were mine and I was yours, only yours. I didn't care how many people stared at me, how many people tried to reach me, because I was content with you and that was a first.

My feelings for you, to me, were a first. I tried to explain that to you but articulating what I felt was too difficult; I hoped and prayed that you understood, but I don't think you did.

If you had realised you were my first, you would still be here, everyday making me your first too.

Senses.. (30)

It would be the first time he actually visits her at home, she thought nervously as she paced her dressing room, a pile of clothes tried and rejected scattered around her on the floor. She hugged herself as she continued to consider her clothing options, suddenly feeling exposed and vulnerable. There was something very personal about someone visiting you at home; home is your safe space, where you feel secure and somehow his visit felt like an invasion of her haven. She needed something that would protect her, somewhat like a cocoon shielding her from her feelings for him. She shook her head as she settled on a long dress that covered most of her body and nervously brushed her long hair away from her face, gently slipping into her heels as her maid announced that he was waiting downstairs.

He sat nervously in her living room watching the stairs, waiting for her to descend; he had always wondered what her house looked like, he very much imagined it to be like the house he's in, like her; the house was refined, elegant, attractive without screaming for attention, but always, always drew you in and every time you looked at a specific corner you would notice a new exquisite detail you had missed before.

He was startled when she actually did walk in, lost in his thoughts he didn't notice her walking down the stairs. He took in a deep breath as he looked at her properly, it had been a while since he'd seen her without her abaya, he had forgotten how she made his heart beat. She was not the most beautiful woman he'd seen, but there was something about her that drove him crazy, he could never put his finger on it, but she had a face that he enjoyed staring at, particularly her eyes, it was the first thing anyone would notice in her face.

'Hi..'
'Hi..' he mumbled standing up nervously, 'I'm not sure what the protocol is, can I kiss your cheek?'
'I'd rather you don't' she replied sitting down on the sofa next to his, 'tefa'6al,' she said handing him the glass of juice the maid brought in, 'so.. you said you wanted to talk?' she felt her heart beating in her ears as she feigned indifference, she was dying to know what he wanted to say, did he come to break up with her?
'Umm.. yeah.. I'm not sure how to start..'
'It's ok Fahad.. we said we'll break up in two months.. so..'
'What are you talking about?'
'Isn't that why you're here?'
'Not at all.. Nouf, I would never break up with you, why would you think that? I have been torturing myself, everyday, trying to find ways to make you tolerate me, trying and hoping that this farce of an engagement could trigger something in you, something that would remind you of how we were and that you would consider me as a potential husband, really, not just.. not just this.. whatever it is..'
'I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt this way.'
'No you knew.. but never mind, I know what I want, and I want you. You, I don't know, I think you have not made your mind up about me, I don't know where to go from here..'
'Is that what you came for? You want me to tell you all is well and lets go ride into the sunshine?'
'I would love for you to say that, although I'm pretty sure you never would, even if you did in the future forgive me, you would always hold what I did over my head,' she tried to interrupt him and defend herself, 'no wait, let me finish Nouf, I was gonna say that it's ok, I deserve it, what I did was unforgivable, I think I would've killed you if the situation was reversed, not that you would ever do anything like that, you barely let me touch your hair.. anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I love you and I would do anything for you. I understand that I put you in an awkward position with this engagement, and the reason why I'm here is, well.. it seems like I'm gonna make things a bit more awkward for you..'
'What do you mean?'
'My mother and your mother seem to have agreed that it's time for us to get married..'
'Excuse me?'
'Ummy tgool lazem namlech.. and your mother agreed, now the dates have not been set yet, but I heard talk about next week..'
'I can't believe this. We were supposed to break up next week..'
He felt his heart twist with pain when she said that, he was hoping that she wouldn't go through with it, that she would consider giving him another chance and perhaps extend their engagement period a bit longer to hopefully resolve things. He knew deep down that they would never get a happily ever after, but he was willing to fight for her, to convince her that even though their story was not a fairy tale, it was still a worthy love story.
'I'm sorry' he said getting up, 'I just wanted to give you a heads up' he started walking away and she grabbed his hand,
'Wait.. what are we going to do?'
'It's your decision Nouf. I leave it to you, I've said it before and I'll say it again, nothing would make me happier than being your husband, you have to decide if you want to be my wife.'

Senses.. (29)

'Fahad yumma?'
'Labaih yumma'
'Labait rabek 7abeeby.. Fahad.. shlonek ma3a Nouf?'
He sat up straighter on the couch he was relaxing on after lunch, it's been a few days since his conversation with her and he hadn't heard much from her side, he decided it was best that he left her alone for some time, he didn't want to pressure her into anything,
'il7amdilla yumma, laish?'
'La bas ma achoofek tkalemha, ma tmer 3alaiha, ya3ny.. bs be'3ait a3arf int merta7 ma3aha..'
'Ee il7amdilla, wayed merta7 bas t3arfeen i7na nchoof ba3a'6 kelyoum fe ildawam..'
'Ee.. Allah ywafgkum inshallah..'
He could tell his mother had more to say, she just needed an opportunity to say it, he wasn't sure he really wanted to hear what she had to say, he knew from Dana that she had seen his future mother in law and his bride to be at a wedding yesterday, perhaps she had sensed her discomfort with him. He continued his pretend concentration on the TV screen in front of him while he felt his mother's eyes on his face, he finally sighed, giving in and turned around to face her, as soon as he did that..
'Fahad yumma'
'Na3am ya um Fahad'
'Ya3ny ana agool, sar lekum akthar min shahar ma56oobeen..'
'Ee..' he could sense where this conversation was going and he wasn't sure whether or not he liked it.
'Ee ya3ny, int mithel ma gelt, teshte'3el ma3a Nouf, o ana 3endi bint o ma ar'6a 3ala banat ilnas, o maby 7ad yetkalam 3alaiha..'
'Ok..'
'Fa ana o ubook ngool lazem temlechoon, ya3ny int merta7 ma3aha o ilbint ma betlagy a7san minha, o into mub 9'3ar, mafy da3y t6awloon il5e6ba'
'Ee bas i7na metafgeen ilmelcha gabel il3ers..'
'Mafeeha shay, n'3ayer iletefag, a9lan umha lame7at ams youm cheftha, o mub 3adla ya3ny. 5ala9 3azzem o namlech inshallah ilesboo3 ilyay.'

His mother had left nothing more to say, he had to admit to himself that part of him would kill to make that happen, but part of him was scared that this would be the thing that would make his fiancee hate him even more.

****

'I don't know Manal, so I told you the whole story and about his sister. I won't lie, I still do love him but I really can't trust him, I feel that the moment I give in, and agree to be his wife he will feel suffocated again and will sabotage the relationship'
She was lying in bed talking to her friend, after a long evening last night, acting like the dutiful daughter in law with his mother. She actually loved his family but hated lying to them and pretending like she was looking forward to her own wedding to Fahad every time his mother whispered something in her ear about her marriage to her son.
'You're being too dramatic, he's shown you all signs of commitment, he practically begged you to give him a chance, he's super attentive, he stares at you like a lost puppy, I really don't know what more you need. He would never sabotage your relationship.'
'I need confidence in his love. I lost that, and he would, he did once before, he didn't say it but I felt that he meant to say that I suffocated him before, what if I do that again?'
'I don't think you would, you're both older, you have your own life now so not everything will revolve around him, nor should it. Plus now he knows how it feel to lose you, so I doubt he would jeopardise the relationship'
'I don't know why it's so difficult'
'Love is not supposed to be easy, and you do love him'
'Why not? It should be simple, straightforward..'
'That would be too boring, plus if love were that simple people would fall in and out of love everyday'
'You think so?'
'Sure.. I think everyone has one or two great loves in their lives, sometimes you're lucky and you meet them at the right time, sometimes you're not and you meet them either too early or too late. I think in your case, you met him too early but you're very lucky, because your having a second chance with your one great love. Listen, this is an opportunity because you're walking in to this with your eyes wide open, you both know each other's flaws, you know what to avoid what not to do, plus he's giving you space and time to think. And Noof, he really loves you, the way he looks at you, is sometimes painful to watch'
'Why?'
'Because.. when a man like him falls, he falls hard..'
'You know, sometimes I feel that is the problem, I feel that when love is so passionate, so all consuming and great, then it's not meant to be, it just makes you miserable rather than making you happy. We should be happy'
'You're making you miserable, I know he can make you happy..'
'I don't know.. anyway I think I need to take a nap, I'm exhausted.. I'll talk to you later'
Just as she closed her eyes and started to drift into a light sleep she felt her phone vibrate with a message from him,

Fahad: We need to talk, can I come over tonight?

Broken..

Sometimes you’re so broken and only the person who broke you could fix you. 

So you look for him in strangers’ faces, in a colleague’s voice, in a friend’s smile, you catch random glimpses of him everywhere, but never the full picture. Because no one is like him, no one can fill the gap he left, no one can understand you like he did, no one can hurt you like him and certainly no one can heal you but him.

But he never shows up, because he doesn’t want to. No one is holding him back, the pain he caused you was not by force; it was by choice.

So what do you do? When you spend your life waiting for something you know will never come, how late is too late? And how do you heal yourself?

Senses.. (28)

‘Can I hold your hand?’

‘Please don’t’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it hurts’

‘Touching you hurts?’

‘No, the feeling I get in my heart is what hurts.’

‘Nouf..’

‘You touched her with the same hand’

‘Nouf..’

‘Can you deny it?’

‘No. Unfortunately I can’t, I wish I could.’

'I wish I never met you.. in London I mean.. I wish I met you here.. now.. with a fresh heart.. no history'

'No. I'm glad I met you when I did, because when I lost you, I don't know, it made me realise that I had a good thing, no a great thing.'

'I walked away but you never followed, I think that in itself hurt me more than the betrayal of you with.. with her'

'Honestly? I wanted to, but I really didn't know what to say, I still don't know what to say..'

'Why Fahad?' she whispered,

'I can give you a hundred reasons, but they're all silly, all stupid. Dana was in a car accident, she was in surgery that day.. and I don't know.. I guess somehow.. God I can't even say it I sound like an ass even to myself.. I knew that if I told you, you would be concerned and worried and the perfect girlfriend and I.. I don't know.. I just needed to forget at that point..'

'I don't know how to respond to that.. really.. I'm glad she's fine now..'

'Thanks, well she wasn't, for a long time, she struggled a lot with physiotherapy and surgeries, but yeah she's ok now.. Again, what happened that night was no excuse.'

'No, no it really isn't Fahad. I can't look at you right now' she said slowly as she got up, 'can I leave now?'

'Nouf,' he whispered, grabbing her hand. She felt every drop of her blood boiling inside her body,

'Please Fahad, please.. don't touch me.. not now.. all I can see is you and her together..' she whispered, her tears drowning her face, 'I'm not mad at you anymore, I'm just hurt, I need time to digest this again..'

'Nouf..'

'I'll call you Fahad, I need my space now..'

He nodded, as he let go and watched her walk out of his office.

Senses.. (27)

Every time she looks at him she feels a burning sensation in her heart, her feelings all tangled up, love, jealousy and fear all intertwined in her small chest.

They were sitting together one afternoon in the office, having reached some sort of truce to not attract attention to them in the workplace. It was weird to her, settling into a routine of having breakfast with him every morning, him walking in with her after his morning cigarette, smiling in front of everyone, but when alone, it was always awkward, she didn’t know what to say, how to smile, every breakfast felt like a very very long first date with someone she didn’t like; except she did like him, very much. She felt every muscle in her body betraying her; it took all her willpower to convince her hand not to touch his face when he frowns in concentration, and all the effort in the world to not look into his eyes and tell him that she still loves him.

‘Nouf?’

She looked up at him, puzzled, ‘Na3am?’

‘You’ve been staring at the coffee for ten minutes, I know, I timed it. Are you ok?’

‘I don’t know. Fahad.. this is weird’

‘I know.. listen, ma bagy shay we said we’ll do this for 2 months, one month has passed, so..’

‘No, no that’s not what I meant, although yeah, that also. But I mean, this, this is weird, you and me, remember? We used to talk non stop, now I don’t know what to say to you..’

‘Nouf, can we be friends? I know.. I know you hate me and everything but to me this isn’t weird it’s just so hard, I think this past month has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’

‘I can’t be your friend Fahad.’

‘I understand.’ Her heart ached for him, the look of loss and utter pain on his face was too much for her to bear.

‘No you don’t. I can’t be your friend because against my better judgment, I still love you.’

‘You love me, but?’

‘But I don’t trust you. You broke my heart, and I don’t think I can ever forgive you.’

 'I understand, but don't you think we owe it to ourselves to even try? Nouf, I know I screwed up, I admit that, I'm willing to admit that to everyone I know, but Nouf if you give me a chance I swear to you I will fix things. I know our engagement was not what you wanted, trust me, this isn't how I wanted it either, but please allow me to change your mind.'

'I can't bear getting hurt again, you don't know what I went through last time' she whispered, her tears starting to blind her as she attempted to blink them away, 'I promised myself I would never cry over you again, but I can't help it, this is too much, there's too much history between us, it would never work out'

'Nouf, just give me the chance to change your mind, I love you, so much that I was willing to go through with breaking up our engagement for your sake, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. For you, I would do anything.'

'So now what?'

'You tell me'

Senses.. (26)

She sat watching her brother as he tormented himself, it broke her heart watching him like this but she knew there was nothing she could do. Her brother had to face Nouf and explain to her what happened. She had been in an accident the day before he cheated on Nouf with Zaina, she ended up in the ICU with a fracture in her spine that crippled her for 3 years. After several painful surgeries and long physiotherapy she was finally walking again, but she understood how that accident shocked Fahad and caused him to do what he did, she knew that her brother made a mistake, but deep down she understood that he was in shock and that he was most likely not aware of what he was doing at the time.

'Fahad?'

'Dana she hates me' he said rubbing his hair, 'her parents forced her to be with me, I would've never gone through with this engagement if I knew it was going to turn out this way.'

'I'm sure her parents didn't force her Fahad,'

'You didn't see her, she was crying in my office and I felt so bad, ya3ny mb kfaya what I put her through before..'

'Fahad don't you think it's time that you tell her what happened?'

'Dana mn 9ijich? Ya3ny would you forgive your husband if he had done something like that? And even if you did I would've killed him before you even had a chance to think about forgiving him. La I can't tell her, your accident is not an excuse, I made an unforgivable mistake.'

'Fahad yemken she won't find it as an excuse but actually talking about it might give her the closure she needs and you might be able to get over it and move on. I know she loves you, I'm sure you do, so you owe it to yourself to at least try.'

He shook his head, thinking of his sister's words, maybe just maybe it will work out and they could finally be together.