New Year.. (1)

I don't believe in love.

Actually, I do, just not for me. I'm too cynical, always have been, always will be. I mean I've seen it happen, I've actually even felt it before, a long long time ago, it was beautiful, it was honest, it was ultimate bliss, until it all came crashing down on my head; until it ruined my life.

Tonight people celebrate, look forward to a coming year, people are optimistic, happy, hopeful; people are naive.

So I got dumped on New Year's eve. A long time ago. He was the best thing that happened to me and he was the worst thing that happened to me.

He broke my heart and I still haven't recovered, 4 years ago on new year's eve he broke my heart and for 4 years, every night like tonight I look at my phone, hoping and wishing for a message from him, a message that never comes; until tonight.

'I miss you'

And just like that all the floodgates are opened. I've been sitting here staring at my phone for an hour, should I respond? Should I not? I haven't heard from him in years, do I want to respond? He broke my heart, but he also made me happy.

I quickly text my best friend Mariam

Alia: Hey, what you doing?
Mariam: At the barbecue. Why didn't you come?
Alia: I'm not good company
Mariam: You're in an idiot
Alia: So he sent me a text
Mariam: Who?
Alia: Who do you think?

And my phone rings.

'Hey'
'What did it say?'
'He said he missed me'
'And what did you say?'
'Nothing, I don't know what to say'
'When did he send it?'
'Like an hour ago, 55 minutes to be precise'
'Don't tell me you've been staring at your phone?'
'Ok, I won't tell you that'
'Damn you, you shouldn't be alone'
'I told you, new year's is not my thing, I'm never good company on a new year'
'Yeah yeah. So what will you do?'
'Don't know, that's why I texted you, so you in your infinite wisdom will tell me what to do'
'You're 24 years old, you should know what you want'
'I do, unless it has to do with him, then I really don't'
'Do you want to get back together with him?'
'Does he?'
'Well, he says he misses you, I assume that means he wants to reinitiate the relationship'
'Or friendship, we were friends first remember?'
'When you were students, both in the same country, going to classes together, yeah, that made sense, but now? I don't know'
'Well I don't either'
'Hmm..'
'What would you do if you were me? What would you text back?'
'So you decided to text back?'
'No, I don't know. Hypothetically. If I were to respond, what should I say?'
'What do you want to say?'
'What would you say?'
'I'd tell him to go screw himself and never text me again'
'Mariam!'
'You asked'
'He was your friend too'
'Until he screwed you over, then he became the ass that broke my best friend'
'I'm not broken!'
'You were for a long time. Still are, in some ways'
'So? I should just delete his message right?'
'Not if you feel you have something to say'
'Do I?'
'You tell me'
'I don't know. Anyway go back to the party, I can hear them yelling your name, say hi to everyone and have fun'
'I'll call you later'
'K, go have fun'
'Bye'

And she hung up. I continued to stare at my phone for another 5 minutes until it startled me with a new flashing message,

'Ok, it was presumptuous of my to send my previous message. I feel awkward, do you even remember me?'

That idiot.

How can a girl forget her first love? Her first heartbreak, the guy who promised her the moon and made her feel like the most beautiful girl on earth.

Suddenly, I felt angry.

Alia: You idiot, tonight of all nights? Why?
Khaled: Because tonight of all nights I miss you the most
Alia: Screw you
Khaled: I deserve that
Alia: You do. What do you want from me?
Khaled: I don't know, nothing I guess
Alia: Again, why tonight?
Khaled: I told you. I miss you. I miss my best friend.
Alia: You broke my heart
Khaled: I know. I'm sorry.
Alia: Sorry is not good enough
Khaled: I got married

I stared at my phone, this is unbelievable. I guess it makes sense, he had always wanted to get married, start a family, but why is he telling me? Is he trying to rub it in?

Alia: Congratulations, does she know her husband is an idiot?
Khaled: I tell her everyday
Alia: Why are you telling me?
Khaled: Because, I told you, I miss my friend.

And I missed him too, we could've stayed friends, he was the one who decided to move away, change universities, change his number. He erased himself from my life, one night, he decided he no longer loved me, one new year eve, he decided to break my heart and prove to me once and for all that love does happen, only not to me and if it does, it hurts like hell.