Senses.. (27)

Every time she looks at him she feels a burning sensation in her heart, her feelings all tangled up, love, jealousy and fear all intertwined in her small chest.

They were sitting together one afternoon in the office, having reached some sort of truce to not attract attention to them in the workplace. It was weird to her, settling into a routine of having breakfast with him every morning, him walking in with her after his morning cigarette, smiling in front of everyone, but when alone, it was always awkward, she didn’t know what to say, how to smile, every breakfast felt like a very very long first date with someone she didn’t like; except she did like him, very much. She felt every muscle in her body betraying her; it took all her willpower to convince her hand not to touch his face when he frowns in concentration, and all the effort in the world to not look into his eyes and tell him that she still loves him.

‘Nouf?’

She looked up at him, puzzled, ‘Na3am?’

‘You’ve been staring at the coffee for ten minutes, I know, I timed it. Are you ok?’

‘I don’t know. Fahad.. this is weird’

‘I know.. listen, ma bagy shay we said we’ll do this for 2 months, one month has passed, so..’

‘No, no that’s not what I meant, although yeah, that also. But I mean, this, this is weird, you and me, remember? We used to talk non stop, now I don’t know what to say to you..’

‘Nouf, can we be friends? I know.. I know you hate me and everything but to me this isn’t weird it’s just so hard, I think this past month has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’

‘I can’t be your friend Fahad.’

‘I understand.’ Her heart ached for him, the look of loss and utter pain on his face was too much for her to bear.

‘No you don’t. I can’t be your friend because against my better judgment, I still love you.’

‘You love me, but?’

‘But I don’t trust you. You broke my heart, and I don’t think I can ever forgive you.’

 'I understand, but don't you think we owe it to ourselves to even try? Nouf, I know I screwed up, I admit that, I'm willing to admit that to everyone I know, but Nouf if you give me a chance I swear to you I will fix things. I know our engagement was not what you wanted, trust me, this isn't how I wanted it either, but please allow me to change your mind.'

'I can't bear getting hurt again, you don't know what I went through last time' she whispered, her tears starting to blind her as she attempted to blink them away, 'I promised myself I would never cry over you again, but I can't help it, this is too much, there's too much history between us, it would never work out'

'Nouf, just give me the chance to change your mind, I love you, so much that I was willing to go through with breaking up our engagement for your sake, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. For you, I would do anything.'

'So now what?'

'You tell me'