New Year.. (6)

I struggled a lot without you. I won't lie to you or myself anymore, yes I was young and stupid and maybe I didn't handle it the way I should've, but I didn't know what else to do or how to act. You were my first love. My only love, until today. Yes I got married and god help me I hate saying this but I don't love her, I tried as much as I could but really, she's not you. Every word, every action reminded me of you. As lame as that sounds, it's the truth, I cringe even as I'm typing this, but it's time to tell you, I don't even know why I'm telling you, I mean there's no point, I'm married, I have a child for god's sake but I can't help it anymore. 
It's stupid. I used to laugh at people who fall in love and not end up together, it's so cliche. Until it happened to me, I couldn't tell you my parents wanted me to marry from the family, how could I tell you that when your parents have always given you everything you wanted, how can I tell you that mine are nothing like yours? How can I say that the family I love more than life itself denied me the one thing I wanted; you. 
Again, it's pointless telling you this, but I did fight for us, for as long as I could. I fought until there was nothing left in me, until I just gave up and told them to do whatever they wanted, I naively thought that if I did that they'll feel bad and finally give in, instead they set the date for my wedding.
I couldn't face you after that, it was the cowardly thing to do, I realize that, but I couldn't face you. I couldn't see you hating me, and I certainly couldn't bring my wife to where you and I shared so much. I had to move, I had to be as far as possible, and please tell Mariam, it pained me being away from her as well, I always thought of her as a sister.
I'm moving to your hometown; do you realize how ironic that is? We always used to argue about where we would live when we got married and I always said I would never move. It kills me that now we will be in the same country but not together. 
You asked me what I wanted from you, I really don't know. But I know that I just can't stay away anymore. I don't think I'm doing the right thing, I think I'm hurting both you and me by getting in touch, but I can't handle it anymore. I can't lie to myself, I need you in my life.

Khaled

I didn't realize I was crying as I read his email until my vision blurred. Just like that, with a few lines, my heart broke all over again. I hit forward and sent it to Mariam.

"What do you think?"
"About what?"
"I sent you an email, read it"
"I'm at work I'll check it when I go home"
"La please read it now"
"Ok hold on"

She was quiet for a bit, I could hear her breathing as she skimmed through the words in front of her.

"Are you ok?"
"I don't know" and I burst out crying, "everything just came back to me, and I can't live through that again I really can't"
"I know, I know"
"No, I was just starting to get over him, why did he do this? Why is he telling me this? It was easier when I didn't know he was hurting too"
"Maybe that's why he did what he did, because deep down he knew it would be easier for you to move on if you hated him"
"I don't know all I know is that my heart is breaking, it feels like I'm back in London."
"Don't do this to yourself, things will be better inshallah. And you have Ahmed now, he's crazy about you, he can't stop talking about you"
"We've only known each other for 10 days"
"Yeah well, you're off on a good start, and he's a good guy"
"I know"
"Goomy, wash your face, come meet Ahmed and me for lunch"
"Maybe he's busy"
"Text him and tell him you're coming, I guarantee he'll cancel all his meetings for you"
"Haha ok. I'll text him"
"Yallah, see you"

I wiped my face and tried to smile, how can a few lines bring back so many memories?  I had been praying for so long for Khaled's return not knowing that when he does return it would be the last thing I really wanted.

Alia: Do you want to have lunch?
Ahmed: I'm not hungry,  very busy day today
Alia: Oh ok, sorry, Mariam thought you would be free for lunch with us.

That was an ubrupt message, I thought, so unlike him. As soon as I sent my last message my phone rang,

"Hello busy man" I pretended to be light hearted, it bothered me that his message bothered me so much.
"Were you inviting me to lunch or were you just inquiring after my general well being?"
"Haha la I was inviting you"
"In that case I'm starving and I'm entirely free all afternoon, where are we going?"
"Haha you're crazy, you just said you're busy"
"You're crazy if you think I would miss out on lunch with you. I miss you"

And just like that, I smiled and felt that the future will be better.