Mirror.. (25)

“Saif?”

“Ya 3yoona”

“Saif..”

“Shfeech 7abeeby? Are you ok? You look worried, don’t be worried 7abeeby Sara said everything should be ok.”

“Yeah, no no I’m not worried about that. I just, I don’t know..”

How was I supposed to tell him about my decision when he was looking at me like this? How was I supposed to tell him when he was holding both my hands in his, rubbing my wrist with his thumb, sending my heart into overdrive so that the sound of my blood rushing around my body was drowning all my thoughts.

“Shfeech 7abeeby? You’re getting me worried”

“Saif..”

“Yes?”

“I can’t breathe.”

“Did you see a doctor? What’s wrong? What do you feel?”

“No no, it’s not.. it has nothing to do with a doctor.. I just.. it’s..”

He looked at me, realization hitting him, his eyes, as if the light was switched off in them.

“I can’t breathe” I whispered again.

“No.”

“Saif I’m..”

“No, I won’t let you do this” but he let go of my hands. I could feel the tears dropping down my face, the weight lifting off my chest. I took in a huge breath,

“See? I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe..”

“STOP!” he yelled at me banging the table “I said I won’t let you do this, you drag me all the way to London to tell me you’re dumping me? You put me through hell, no you put my family through hell to now tell me you don’t want this? No, no, no! I will not let you sabotage this, I will not allow you to break us apart, because you, you don’t know what you want! You’re a spoilt child who doesn’t know a good thing when she sees it. So stop crying, wash your face, we’re getting married whether you like it or not!”

My sobs shook my body, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand that I love him so much, I love him enough to not want him to be with someone like me, I want him to be with someone who loves him more than I love myself. He doesn’t know the real me.

“You don’t understand.. you don’t know me! Talal is not Sara’s boyfriend he was mine! well he's hers now but, but I knew him and I knew others! You deserve better, you shouldn’t end up with someone like me, someone broken you shouldn’t..”

“I said shut up.” He was so calm, so cold. “I knew you knew others before, it was obvious, I’m not an idiot. I didn’t think you’d have the audacity to still be with them.."

“No, no nooo.. no I’m not I swear I’m not, I just, you deserve better.. and I can’t breathe Saif I can’t. I swear, I don’t know, I’m so happy yet I feel like something bad is about to happen, I thought it was Talal  but it’s not, it’s you. I don’t deserve you and I don’t want you to leave me but if you will leave me then leave me now, so I know, so I can breathe again. I can’t do this, I feel like I don’t.. I can’t be happy, this is all too good and I don’t know good, nothing good ever happens to me..”

“7ala..”

“Yes?”

“We’re getting married. Shut up.”

And then I breathed.