Broken..

Sometimes you’re so broken and only the person who broke you could fix you. 

So you look for him in strangers’ faces, in a colleague’s voice, in a friend’s smile, you catch random glimpses of him everywhere, but never the full picture. Because no one is like him, no one can fill the gap he left, no one can understand you like he did, no one can hurt you like him and certainly no one can heal you but him.

But he never shows up, because he doesn’t want to. No one is holding him back, the pain he caused you was not by force; it was by choice.

So what do you do? When you spend your life waiting for something you know will never come, how late is too late? And how do you heal yourself?

Senses.. (28)

‘Can I hold your hand?’

‘Please don’t’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it hurts’

‘Touching you hurts?’

‘No, the feeling I get in my heart is what hurts.’

‘Nouf..’

‘You touched her with the same hand’

‘Nouf..’

‘Can you deny it?’

‘No. Unfortunately I can’t, I wish I could.’

'I wish I never met you.. in London I mean.. I wish I met you here.. now.. with a fresh heart.. no history'

'No. I'm glad I met you when I did, because when I lost you, I don't know, it made me realise that I had a good thing, no a great thing.'

'I walked away but you never followed, I think that in itself hurt me more than the betrayal of you with.. with her'

'Honestly? I wanted to, but I really didn't know what to say, I still don't know what to say..'

'Why Fahad?' she whispered,

'I can give you a hundred reasons, but they're all silly, all stupid. Dana was in a car accident, she was in surgery that day.. and I don't know.. I guess somehow.. God I can't even say it I sound like an ass even to myself.. I knew that if I told you, you would be concerned and worried and the perfect girlfriend and I.. I don't know.. I just needed to forget at that point..'

'I don't know how to respond to that.. really.. I'm glad she's fine now..'

'Thanks, well she wasn't, for a long time, she struggled a lot with physiotherapy and surgeries, but yeah she's ok now.. Again, what happened that night was no excuse.'

'No, no it really isn't Fahad. I can't look at you right now' she said slowly as she got up, 'can I leave now?'

'Nouf,' he whispered, grabbing her hand. She felt every drop of her blood boiling inside her body,

'Please Fahad, please.. don't touch me.. not now.. all I can see is you and her together..' she whispered, her tears drowning her face, 'I'm not mad at you anymore, I'm just hurt, I need time to digest this again..'

'Nouf..'

'I'll call you Fahad, I need my space now..'

He nodded, as he let go and watched her walk out of his office.

Senses.. (27)

Every time she looks at him she feels a burning sensation in her heart, her feelings all tangled up, love, jealousy and fear all intertwined in her small chest.

They were sitting together one afternoon in the office, having reached some sort of truce to not attract attention to them in the workplace. It was weird to her, settling into a routine of having breakfast with him every morning, him walking in with her after his morning cigarette, smiling in front of everyone, but when alone, it was always awkward, she didn’t know what to say, how to smile, every breakfast felt like a very very long first date with someone she didn’t like; except she did like him, very much. She felt every muscle in her body betraying her; it took all her willpower to convince her hand not to touch his face when he frowns in concentration, and all the effort in the world to not look into his eyes and tell him that she still loves him.

‘Nouf?’

She looked up at him, puzzled, ‘Na3am?’

‘You’ve been staring at the coffee for ten minutes, I know, I timed it. Are you ok?’

‘I don’t know. Fahad.. this is weird’

‘I know.. listen, ma bagy shay we said we’ll do this for 2 months, one month has passed, so..’

‘No, no that’s not what I meant, although yeah, that also. But I mean, this, this is weird, you and me, remember? We used to talk non stop, now I don’t know what to say to you..’

‘Nouf, can we be friends? I know.. I know you hate me and everything but to me this isn’t weird it’s just so hard, I think this past month has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’

‘I can’t be your friend Fahad.’

‘I understand.’ Her heart ached for him, the look of loss and utter pain on his face was too much for her to bear.

‘No you don’t. I can’t be your friend because against my better judgment, I still love you.’

‘You love me, but?’

‘But I don’t trust you. You broke my heart, and I don’t think I can ever forgive you.’

 'I understand, but don't you think we owe it to ourselves to even try? Nouf, I know I screwed up, I admit that, I'm willing to admit that to everyone I know, but Nouf if you give me a chance I swear to you I will fix things. I know our engagement was not what you wanted, trust me, this isn't how I wanted it either, but please allow me to change your mind.'

'I can't bear getting hurt again, you don't know what I went through last time' she whispered, her tears starting to blind her as she attempted to blink them away, 'I promised myself I would never cry over you again, but I can't help it, this is too much, there's too much history between us, it would never work out'

'Nouf, just give me the chance to change your mind, I love you, so much that I was willing to go through with breaking up our engagement for your sake, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. For you, I would do anything.'

'So now what?'

'You tell me'