Pain..

It sometimes hurts more when you know you shouldn't be hurt..

You know it's coming, you expect the way it feels, you anticipate its arrival and yet somehow you are never prepared for the pain engulfing your heart.

This is how I feel with you, the pain shocks me, numbs my bones and makes my heart feel like a rock was placed in my chest, even though I know what's coming.

I know you never promised me anything and yet I wait.

I wait for your voice knowing that it won't come.

I wait for you to walk through the door knowing you won't.

I wait for you to ask 'How are you?' knowing that you won't wait for the answer.

I know all of this yet I can't help hoping, that maybe, just maybe one day you'll come and the pain will go away.

Happy Birthday..

I woke up this morning feeling that today was an important day, it was significant for some reason. I frowned, checked the date twice, checked my work calendar, my email, and nothing came to me.

Today was just like any other day, except it's not.

Today was your birthday, another birthday you celebrate without me, another milestone in your life that I'm not part of. I felt a physical pain in my heart when the significance of today registered in my brain, and I somehow wished it hadn't.

They say ignorance is bliss and today I must agree.

I must confess that today would've been easier on me if I didn't have to imagine someone else waking you up with a kiss, hiding your gift behind her back, welcoming you home in the evening with your favourite cake.

It would've been easier if I didn't sing you happy birthday every year before, if I didn't plan to share this day with you until we both turned 100, if I didn't tell you I want all my kids to have your birthday so they turn out like you.

It wouldn't have been significant if I didn't know that today, you longed for me to be the one waking you up with a kiss, hiding your gift behind my back and welcoming you home in the evening with your favourite cake.