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When you look at me..

I felt my heart beating wildly inside my chest, the usual pain that grips it when I see you starting to spread, sending the butterflies directly to my stomach and weakening the muscles that support my knees.

How is it that after all these years you still have this effect on me? Why isn't my older, wiser self stronger than my teenage self? These are questions I might never be able to answer, questions that I've been asking myself for years and yet find no answers to.

My God, all I want to do is run to you, to hold you, to cry against your shoulders, and to tell you that I missed you, that I forgive you and that I know you missed me too. No, I won't say I love you, because that word cannot describe what I feel for you, no word can, no poems, no books. All you need to know, you'll see in my eyes.

This is it.

Our eyes meet, we both scream, with the anguish of the years that separated us, with the pure love we shared, the happy moments we lived and the future we might have.

And then I see your eyes breaking away from me, someone else has taken your attention, her small hand grabbing your strong one, the other one directing your face to hers. An innocent smile spreads across her face as she calls your name, but the name she calls you was not the name I wished good night to, not the name I called in my dreams, not the name I write in my notes. I stare at her lips as I see them forming the name.. 'Daddy' she called you.

And I see the other women behind you.

I look at her and look at you, as you look at me, your eyes screaming to me again, screaming with sadness, with apology and with regret.

I don't know what my eyes are telling you at this moment. I myself am lost for words.

If I could talk I would tell you that no one won in our sad game, you lost me and I lost you, and sadly we both remain prisoners in the small cage we built with our hands. Prisoners of the memories, prisoners of the lost happiness and the future we dreamt of, the one that will never come.

I look away, my heart slows down, my knees grow stronger, my feet start taking me away from you, again.

But the pain in my heart remains as I once again leave you behind.