Broken..

Sometimes you’re so broken and only the person who broke you could fix you. 

So you look for him in strangers’ faces, in a colleague’s voice, in a friend’s smile, you catch random glimpses of him everywhere, but never the full picture. Because no one is like him, no one can fill the gap he left, no one can understand you like he did, no one can hurt you like him and certainly no one can heal you but him.

But he never shows up, because he doesn’t want to. No one is holding him back, the pain he caused you was not by force; it was by choice.

So what do you do? When you spend your life waiting for something you know will never come, how late is too late? And how do you heal yourself?

Senses.. (28)

‘Can I hold your hand?’

‘Please don’t’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it hurts’

‘Touching you hurts?’

‘No, the feeling I get in my heart is what hurts.’

‘Nouf..’

‘You touched her with the same hand’

‘Nouf..’

‘Can you deny it?’

‘No. Unfortunately I can’t, I wish I could.’

'I wish I never met you.. in London I mean.. I wish I met you here.. now.. with a fresh heart.. no history'

'No. I'm glad I met you when I did, because when I lost you, I don't know, it made me realise that I had a good thing, no a great thing.'

'I walked away but you never followed, I think that in itself hurt me more than the betrayal of you with.. with her'

'Honestly? I wanted to, but I really didn't know what to say, I still don't know what to say..'

'Why Fahad?' she whispered,

'I can give you a hundred reasons, but they're all silly, all stupid. Dana was in a car accident, she was in surgery that day.. and I don't know.. I guess somehow.. God I can't even say it I sound like an ass even to myself.. I knew that if I told you, you would be concerned and worried and the perfect girlfriend and I.. I don't know.. I just needed to forget at that point..'

'I don't know how to respond to that.. really.. I'm glad she's fine now..'

'Thanks, well she wasn't, for a long time, she struggled a lot with physiotherapy and surgeries, but yeah she's ok now.. Again, what happened that night was no excuse.'

'No, no it really isn't Fahad. I can't look at you right now' she said slowly as she got up, 'can I leave now?'

'Nouf,' he whispered, grabbing her hand. She felt every drop of her blood boiling inside her body,

'Please Fahad, please.. don't touch me.. not now.. all I can see is you and her together..' she whispered, her tears drowning her face, 'I'm not mad at you anymore, I'm just hurt, I need time to digest this again..'

'Nouf..'

'I'll call you Fahad, I need my space now..'

He nodded, as he let go and watched her walk out of his office.

Senses.. (27)

Every time she looks at him she feels a burning sensation in her heart, her feelings all tangled up, love, jealousy and fear all intertwined in her small chest.

They were sitting together one afternoon in the office, having reached some sort of truce to not attract attention to them in the workplace. It was weird to her, settling into a routine of having breakfast with him every morning, him walking in with her after his morning cigarette, smiling in front of everyone, but when alone, it was always awkward, she didn’t know what to say, how to smile, every breakfast felt like a very very long first date with someone she didn’t like; except she did like him, very much. She felt every muscle in her body betraying her; it took all her willpower to convince her hand not to touch his face when he frowns in concentration, and all the effort in the world to not look into his eyes and tell him that she still loves him.

‘Nouf?’

She looked up at him, puzzled, ‘Na3am?’

‘You’ve been staring at the coffee for ten minutes, I know, I timed it. Are you ok?’

‘I don’t know. Fahad.. this is weird’

‘I know.. listen, ma bagy shay we said we’ll do this for 2 months, one month has passed, so..’

‘No, no that’s not what I meant, although yeah, that also. But I mean, this, this is weird, you and me, remember? We used to talk non stop, now I don’t know what to say to you..’

‘Nouf, can we be friends? I know.. I know you hate me and everything but to me this isn’t weird it’s just so hard, I think this past month has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’

‘I can’t be your friend Fahad.’

‘I understand.’ Her heart ached for him, the look of loss and utter pain on his face was too much for her to bear.

‘No you don’t. I can’t be your friend because against my better judgment, I still love you.’

‘You love me, but?’

‘But I don’t trust you. You broke my heart, and I don’t think I can ever forgive you.’

 'I understand, but don't you think we owe it to ourselves to even try? Nouf, I know I screwed up, I admit that, I'm willing to admit that to everyone I know, but Nouf if you give me a chance I swear to you I will fix things. I know our engagement was not what you wanted, trust me, this isn't how I wanted it either, but please allow me to change your mind.'

'I can't bear getting hurt again, you don't know what I went through last time' she whispered, her tears starting to blind her as she attempted to blink them away, 'I promised myself I would never cry over you again, but I can't help it, this is too much, there's too much history between us, it would never work out'

'Nouf, just give me the chance to change your mind, I love you, so much that I was willing to go through with breaking up our engagement for your sake, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. For you, I would do anything.'

'So now what?'

'You tell me'

Senses.. (26)

She sat watching her brother as he tormented himself, it broke her heart watching him like this but she knew there was nothing she could do. Her brother had to face Nouf and explain to her what happened. She had been in an accident the day before he cheated on Nouf with Zaina, she ended up in the ICU with a fracture in her spine that crippled her for 3 years. After several painful surgeries and long physiotherapy she was finally walking again, but she understood how that accident shocked Fahad and caused him to do what he did, she knew that her brother made a mistake, but deep down she understood that he was in shock and that he was most likely not aware of what he was doing at the time.

'Fahad?'

'Dana she hates me' he said rubbing his hair, 'her parents forced her to be with me, I would've never gone through with this engagement if I knew it was going to turn out this way.'

'I'm sure her parents didn't force her Fahad,'

'You didn't see her, she was crying in my office and I felt so bad, ya3ny mb kfaya what I put her through before..'

'Fahad don't you think it's time that you tell her what happened?'

'Dana mn 9ijich? Ya3ny would you forgive your husband if he had done something like that? And even if you did I would've killed him before you even had a chance to think about forgiving him. La I can't tell her, your accident is not an excuse, I made an unforgivable mistake.'

'Fahad yemken she won't find it as an excuse but actually talking about it might give her the closure she needs and you might be able to get over it and move on. I know she loves you, I'm sure you do, so you owe it to yourself to at least try.'

He shook his head, thinking of his sister's words, maybe just maybe it will work out and they could finally be together.

Senses.. (25)

He stood at his usual spot under the punishing heat, completely numb. All he could think of since that day were her words to him, she genuinely hated him. It was somewhat expected but for some reason, he didn't see it coming, he thought that she had put the past behind her and that they could move forward together, he thought he saw, or maybe he imagined some glimpses of his old Nouf; the Nouf he knew 7 years ago.

He started to light his fourth cigarette when he saw her driving through the entrance, he decided that he still wasn't ready to see her and quickly walked back to his office.

She has been miserable since the day she cried in his office. She didn't understand her reaction, she would be lying if she said she wasn't in love with him, and yet she couldn't trust him, it was true that she still wasn't ready for marriage, but she knew deep down that if she allowed herself and if she had spoken to him then they probably could work out her trust issues, also Manal's lectures probably had some influence on the way she felt now. Her friend could sense that there was some weakness in her voice when she said she hated him, she also noticed that her friend kept checking her phone every five minutes for messages from him, messages that never came. He has been completely silent since that day in his office, that was another reason that made her miserable. She knew that he cared for her, and yet he completely gave up as soon as she said she doesn't want to marry him.

She sat in her car thinking about their relationship, she has been always overly emotional; even now, she had one hundred different feelings everyday. Sometimes she felt that she hated him and sometimes she couldn't imagine her life without him.

She walked in to her office with the same miserable expression she's had for the past few days,

'Manal?'

'Morning to you too'

'Manal, tell me what to do..'

'You need to know what you want Noufa, honestly you're behaving like a spoiled child. If you have something you say you don't like it and if it goes away you cry for it. He told you he loves you, he sent his family, he asked to marry you and you told him you hated him. He told you he loves you and will do anything you want him to do even if its staying away from you and you cry because he gave up too easily. Make up your mind Noufa, I don't know how he was with you before and I don't care what happened, it was a long time ago, what I know is that the man I see today and everyday standing in the heat waiting just to see you for a few minutes is madly in love with you and deserves a second chance, so open your eyes and think of that.'

She nodded in agreement, 'I guess, I'll try..'

She walked slowly towards her fiance's office, thinking of something to say. How will she seem to him if she just walks in and announces that she doesn't hate him, in fact her feelings for him are the complete opposite.

'Good morning, can I come in?' she said, knocking his door lightly,

'Sure, tefa'6ely' he replied looking up from his computer. She walked in and closed the door behind her, without missing his raised eyebrow as she did so.

'To what do I owe this honor?' he said sarcastically when she sat on his sofa.

'Can't I come and have my morning coffee with my fiance?'

'Nouf?'

'Yes..'

'Never mind.. so should I order your coffee?'

'Please if you don't mind'

He ordered the coffee and they were both silently sitting opposite each other until the teaboy brought in two cups of steaming coffee in to the office.

She sat on the sofa, sipping her coffee as he watched her until he got up and moved back to his desk,

'I'm sorry I have some work to do if you don't mind' he said abruptly.

She felt as if he spilled the scalding coffee on her lap, in shock she got up and mumbled, 'sorry, I thought I'd better show people in the office that we were a newly engaged couple, I didn't want anyone to suspect anything, sorry I took so much of your precious time'

'No problem' he replied without even looking at her.

As she was leaving the office she noticed his cigarette pack on his desk, 'I thought you were going to quit?' she asked picking up the pack,

'I was, but now what's the point? I was going to do it for you, because I didn't want the smell to bother you in our house, but since there won't be an 'our house' I guess I don't have to anymore.' he answered looking her in the eye.

'I'm sorry..'

'No need to be sorry Nouf. You were right in everything you said the other day, trust me, I'll make this as easy as possible for you. And you're right about people noticing here in the office, from now on please do come every morning'

She slowly put down the cigarette pack from her trembling hand, she screwed up everything she thought to herself as she slowly walked away from him and left his office closing the door behind her.

Senses.. (24)

'So.. you love him, but you told him you won't marry him if he was the last man on earth?'

'Yes..'

'And he said he loves you but he won't force you?'

'Yes..'

'So in a nutshell you both love each other but decided on the first day of your engagement to break up and never see each other again'

'Yes..' she replied while absentmindedly stirring her now cold coffee,

'You're both idiots then.'

'Manal!'

'What? How does anything I just said make sense to you?'

'I don't trust him Manal. I can't spend the rest of my life wondering when he's going to cheat on me, because he will. Once a cheater, always a cheater.'

'He was young and immature, al7en he's not!'

'He wasn't young, he was 27! I was the young one, and yet I was dedicated to him 100%, my life revolved around him. He threw everything away for a meaningless fling, and now he has the audacity to tell me he loves me? No, that's unacceptable!'

'Did you ever ask him why he did what he did?'

'No. He didn't even try to explain, it was like he wanted to say I did what I did, take it or leave it. So I decided to leave it. Manal you have no idea how humiliated I was, everyone I knew in London knew that we were together, and Zaina made sure that everyone found out that he left me for her. It took me months just to be able to leave my house without trying to avoid everyone I know. I ended up not speaking to half of London from sheer embarrassment, I was afraid they'll ask me about him, I stuck only to my closest friends, I had to leave the university I loved and had wanted to study at for years. You have no idea what he put me through! I was going crazy, blaming myself for his mistake, thinking to myself that it must've been because of something that I did!'

'Did you tell him all this?'

'No and I never will! I love him, I still do, for a reason I don't know. But I hate him for everything he put me through, for making me what I am today and for the six years I wasted of my life, comparing every man I meet to him'

'And you will continue to do so Nouf. Don't you see? Even if you do end up with someone else, you will always compare him to Fahad, so laish te'6lemeen nafsech o te'6lemeen Fahad? Talk to him Noufa, maybe he can make you forget, maybe you can end up together after all.'

'La. Anyway khalas we agreed that after 2 months I'll say that we didn't get along and we'll break up officially.'

'I can't believe he agreed to that without putting up a fight'

'La 7abeebty, 3adi. He'll easily find someone else, a9lan he probably didn't think of me for the past six years, bs I happened to be working here and he remembered how it was before' she said, shrugging her shoulder, pretending not to care that even the thought of such a possibility felt like a stabbing pain in her heart.

'I don't believe that. You don't see how he looks at you, I do. The man is crazy in love. Kaifech, but I think you're making a big mistake.'

Senses.. (23)

He waited anxiously for his mother and sister to come back. He couldn't believe it when his mother told him that Nouf's mother accepted the proposal and will start going through the formalities of the engagement, especially because Nouf has been avoiding him for the past week, since his mother made the first call to her mother. He had tried calling her a few times during the week, on her office, her mobile and had even gone over to her desk a few times under the pretense of looking for some report, but she either sent the reports with an assistant, or she happened to be busy in a meeting with someone. He smiled thinking of how they'll announce their engagement to their colleagues at work, and how their relationship will be out in the open, he imagined them everyday enjoying lunch together in his office, without worrying about people gossiping about them behind their backs.

'Mabrook yumma, zain ma i5tert, mashallah 3alaiha, jamal o adab o a5laq'

'Allah ybarek feech yumma, aham shay r'6ach 3alay' he replied kissing her head,

'Allah yer'6a 3alaik mithel ma galby ra'6y 3alaik inshallah' said his mother, hugging him with tears in her eyes.

The next morning he couldn't wait to get to the office, to see her, his fiancée, his wife to be. He took extra care as he was shaving, he made sure his thobe and ghetra were ironed to perfection and the burning 3ood was waiting for him on his way out of the house.

He typed a message to her as soon as he got to the office,

'I can't wait to see you 7abeebty, thank you for having faith in me, I promise you I won't disappoint you. You won't see me by the entrance today because I'm quitting smoking for you :)'

He smiled, waiting for her response, she hadn't replied to his message yesterday either, but he just assumed that she was overwhelmed by everything happening so quickly. He re-entered her life 6 weeks ago, and he's now her fiancé.

Three hours later she still hadn't replied to his message, he was starting to get worried, what if  she was sick? He left his office and walked over to hers wanting to ask her friend about her when he saw her sitting at her desk. He stood for a moment, watching her concentrate on the screen in front of her, biting her lower lip and frowning as she quickly typed in something on her computer.

'9ba7 il5air Dr. Fahad. Mabrook'

Manal's voice broke the silence and she abruptly looked up to where he was standing, as soon as their eyes met, she looked away from him. She must be shy, he reassured himself.

'Allah ybarek fe 7ayatech' he replied smiling, 'Nouf, do you mind coming to my office?'

'Umm.. I'm busy shwaya, can it wait?'

shock registered on his face as he took in her response, why was she avoiding him? He could no longer lie to himself and make up excuses for her behavior, he needed to find out now.

'No it can't wait, I need to see you now, please come to my office.'

'Na3am?' she asked, walking into his office,

'Please sakry ilbab warach' he answered quietly,

'la mayseer, shbeygoloon?'

'Nouf, close the door'

'Fine,' she said closing the door behind her, walking reluctantly into the room, and sitting on his leather sofa

'Noufa what's wrong?' he said as he sat next to her, putting his hand on hers,

'Fahad don't touch me' she whispered, pulling her hand away from him,

'What?' he stared at her in shock, what happened all of a sudden, things were going so well before the engagement, and then she said yes and he thought that everything is falling in to place, why is she shaking with anger? why is she revolted by his touch?

'I said don't touch me' she repeated, in a clearer voice,

'Noufa I don't understand?'

'Laish 5e6abtny? Laish tejberny 3ala shay ana ma abeeh? I don't want you, I never wanted to lay my eyes on you after that day! You breeze in to my life after six years and expect me to be waiting for you! I try to tolerate you and suggest that we become friends but you abuse that, and then bkel waqa7a etyey o te56ebny, and what makes it even worse is that my educated, open minded parents decide that you're too good to say no to, and agree between them that they know better and that I cannot make this decision for myself and so I'm forced to be your fiancée, and I have to pretend in front of everyone in this office today and probably for the next few weeks that I'm the happiest girl in the world. Of course, why shouldn't I be? I have the privilege of being engaged to the great Dr. Fahad! I can't believe after all these years you still find ways to hurt me. I thought I was over this pain, I thought I was ok with it, but I'm not, I'm really not.'

He could physically feel the pain of her words as she was saying them, the happy world that he has been imagining since last night came crashing down around him and all he could hear was the sound of her voice, the woman he loves, telling him how much she passionately hates him.

He stood up slowly, walking away from her as she sat on his sofa crying quietly. With his back to her, he tried to focus on what he could do now. He won't force her to marry him, he loved her too much to do that, but he also couldn't let go of her.

'I'm sorry, I didn't know' he said quietly, 'I thought things were going well and I wanted to prove to you that I was ready for commitment, ready to spend the rest of my life with you' he continued, his back still to her, he couldn't look her in the eye, he was too embarrassed but also, he didn't want her to see the pain in his eyes, 'it seems like I misunderstood.' he said finally turning around to look at her.

'O ba3dain?' she whispered, wiping her tears with the tissues he offered,

'We pretend that we're the happy couple for some time, and then you can say that you got to know me and didn't like me, your parents won't say anything because you gave it a shot, they won't force you to marry me, o ana ma ar'6aha 3alaich. I hurt you once before Nouf, and I promised myself that I would never do it again. I love you, I always have and I always will, so I will do anything you want. After we break the engagement I will leave this job, so you won't have to see me anymore and it won't be awkward for you or your family.'

She stared at him not knowing what to say, was she happy that he's giving her what she wanted? Or was she sad that he gave up that easily?

Senses.. (22)

'This was supposed to be one of the best days of my life.' she thought as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was set in perfect curls down her back, she was wearing a demure, simple long dress, with delicate jewelery adorning her small ears and neck. Today was the day her future in laws are coming to see her for the first time. She tried to smile at the miserable beauty staring at her from the mirror, six years ago she would have given anything for this moment, she would have been ecstatic at the prospect of marrying Fahad.

How ironic was it that she was being forced into marrying the love of her life?

She recalled her conversation with her mother as she announced that this time she has had enough and won't allow her daughter to dismiss yet another suitor,

'Bas 3ad Noufo, latfakreen roo7ech yahel! Ilrayal ma yen3ab, met3alem, o weld nas feehum khair, o she'3la zain. Ba3ad shtabeen akthar min chethy?'

How can she explain to her mother that she cannot trust this man, even though he was all she wanted from this world? She cried and pleaded until in the end she finally gave up. Her mother would never understand, unless she told her the whole story.

How can she tell her that this same perfect man broke her heart six years ago?

'Ma'am they're here..' announced her maid, she looked at her and nodded,

'I'm coming..' she said, slipping her feet into her waiting Manolos, and giving her self one last glance in her mirror.

As she neared the large majlis where the guests were waiting for her grand entrance, she could smell the fragrant 3ood wafting through the open doors. She forced a smile on her face and entered the room.

'Mashallah, tabarak ilra7man' his mother got up as Nouf neared her and kissed her on her head, she then moved on to his sister Dana, and kissed her cheeks as both mother and daughter watched her in approval, 'ta3aly yumma ge3dy 7thay' smiled the mother kindly, she couldn't help but notice that she had her son's beautiful eyes and Dana had his genuine contagious smile.

The evening went on beautifully, the women loved the bride to be, the groom was the happiest man on Earth.

'I love you. I can't believe this is happening'

She read his message one more time and cried herself to sleep.

Senses.. (21)

He stood in his usual spot smoking his third cigarette as he waited for her to drive into the parking lot. He contemplated their relationship, or lack of relationship as he saw it. He somehow survived the past 6 years without her, he was a man of 33, not a teenager, he should be able to control his feelings, he should be able to confront her and tell her that he won’t be her friend. It’s all or nothing.

And yet, he cannot risk her saying nothing. He did survive without her, but he would be lying if he said that his life was ok. After the Zaina incident he threw himself into his work, his research took 18 hours of his day every day, his research advisors even told him that he somehow managed to complete his thesis in record time. During that time he avoided the places that she frequented with her friends, he stayed away from their favorite restaurants and cafes for fear of seeing her, maybe with someone else, until two years after their break up he heard that she went back home for good. After completing his PhD he decided that he cannot go home yet, he cannot face his mother’s questions about his marriage plans so he stayed for 3 more years working at an international consultancy firm in London until six months ago when his father called him and told him that he was getting old and he needs his son to support him.

Seeing her on his first day of work was like a sign from God. A sign telling him that they’ve stayed away from each other for too long. It was finally time for him to be home, with her.

He lit his fourth cigarette as he watched her driving into the parking lot. He was mesmerized even by the simple movement of her hands over the steering wheel. He sighed as she stepped out of her car and walked towards the entrance.

As she was walking, she stopped and turned towards him, shading her eyes with her hand against the sun and started to walk to where he was.

"Good morning" she said smiling,

he smiled back, putting his hand on his heart "Good morning"

"Hehehe of course galbek bey3awrek, mn il9eb7 you're smoking like a chimney"

"La this is my first one"

"La? and the other three on the floor just happen to be right under your feet?"

"Uff, 9edteeny" he said discarding his fourth cigarette, "yallah ta3aly it's too hot here" she nodded and headed towards the entrance with him walking closely behind her.

She spent the rest of the day thinking of him, maybe it was time for her to forget playing games and just admit to herself that he's always been the love of her life. Yes he betrayed her, but people make mistakes, maybe him working here meant that their relationship was meant to be?

"Manal?"

"Yes Noufa?"

"I think I still love him."

That afternoon he reached home late as usual, his mother was sitting in the living room waiting for him,

"Yumma wayed te2a5art ilyoum?"

"Kan 3endi she'3el wallah" he said leaning down and kissing her head, and sitting next to her,

"Fahad yumma lain meta chethy bettem la mara wala 3yal?" she said as she poured his tea,

"Radaina 3ala halsalfa?"

"Ee ana maly salfa '3airha, ma barta7 ila lama achoof mertek yamek o 3yalek 7awalaik. Ya3ny mafy wala bnaya 3ajbetek? Wala 7ata fe ildawam?"

He smiled thinking of her, of the way she walked gracefully in front of him this morning, of how she counted his cigarettes, and of how she took care of him when they were in London,

"Fahad? Dana galatly 3an wa7da ma3ak fe ilshe'3el, o tara ana a3arf ahalha, khosh nas, yumma tara itha tabeeha ana al7een akalem ahalha"

He knew Dana must have mentioned Nouf and just as he was about to start the usual monologue about interfering in his life, he decided that maybe it was time to face his demons, yes he made a mistake, but that was a long time ago, maybe, just maybe she might consider being with him if he showed her that he's ready to commit and that he wants to be with her for the rest of their lives.

"Kalmeehum yumma, ana abeeha."