What if.. (4)

7 years ago.. London

Hind woke up with a start. The door bell was ringing incessantly.
"Men beyeeny mn il9eb7" thought Hind as she got up from her bed, she walked out to the corridor and looked through the screen showing the building's entrance,
"oh it's Maha" she buzzed her in and went to get changed leaving the flat door open. Maha walked in carrying a paper bag and 2 coffees.
"Good morning ya 7ilwa"
"Ay good morning Mahooy.. I've been calling Sul6an for the past week o ma ga3ed yred 3alay.. wallah I'm so worried I can't sleep ya3ny ma 9arat halfight.. it wasn't even a fight it was just me being silly"
"Sit down Hindo" said Maha.
"Shfeech 5ara3teeny? Feekum shay? Your family are all ok?"
"Eee ma feena shay, just sit down have something to eat.."
"La mashtehy I'll just have the coffee.. so tell me sh9ayer?"
"Well.. I dont know how to say this to you.. but Sul6an called me yesterday and.."
"He called you? Why would he call you? Is he ok? Why isn't he returning my calls? Akeed feh shay.. I thought so uhwa.."
"Hind calm down 5aleeny a5ale9 kalamy"
"Ok.."
"Sul6an called me last night to ask me to tell you to stop calling him"
"You're LYING" she screamed
"Hind calm down 7abeebty" she said as she tried to hug her friend, "calm down 7abeebty you know I'd never lie to you" Hind was sobbing into her friend's neck and Maha couldn't stop her tears from falling on to her friend's head.
"Shhhhh 7abeebty it's ok.. it's ok.. ma yestahal kel hatha"
"But... but.." said Hind between her sobs, "but he promised.." she stopped while gasping for air, "he said.. he said.. he'll come see me.. he was packing that day.." Hind covered her face with her hands and kept sobbing, "I booked his hotel, he booked the tickets he was flying all the way from New York.. what happened? Why? and why didn't HE tell me? I can't believe this"
"He said he can't explain and that it was a family thing, basically it's not you it's him"
"Bas..? As simple as that? All his promises are gone? How can he do this Maha? He can't, I can't, I can't be without him..he's my everything"
"Wallah inah ma yestahlek"
"You don't understand.. you don't.. he's.. I can't.. I can't be.. he.. I saw a life with him.. I didn't hope.. I didn't imagine.. I SAW it.. and he knows.. he knows.."
"Shhhh 7abeebty it's ok.. it's ok.."
Hind sank into the sofa and kept staring blankly at her friend, the coffee getting cold in front of her.

A year ago she met Sul6an, it was their first month in London, Hind and Sara were feeling homesick and depressed, and wherever they'd go he would be there, his face lit up whenever he saw her. After one month of seeing her everywhere he finally came up to her and introduced himself. She was sitting with Sara in Starbucks on High Street Ken with their laptops and big mugs of hot chocolate.
"Hi, my name is Sultan, I'm from Dubai" she looked up from her laptop and raised one eyebrow,
"And you're telling me this because..?"
"Haha" he laughed nervously, "Ok umm.. you look Arabic and so am I.. umm.. since we're both in London I thought it would be nice to talk to someone in Arabic.. for a change.."
"I don't see you introducing yourself to that Egyptian gentleman over there? He's Arabic too believe it or not" she said sarcastically.
"Umm.. ok.. yes you have a point.. sorry for bothering you"
Hind just looked at him then turned to her laptop screen as a signal that the conversation has ended.
"Hahahahahahah Hanood that was so funny! I can't believe you did that to the poor guy!" said Sara as she watched Sultan walking back to his seat.
"5aywaly.. yay yesta3be6 3alay.. you look Arabic ygool.. i7lef bas?!"
"Shut up I'm gonna go invite him for coffee"
"Sarooooo!! ma teste7een?!!"
"La ma aste7y" she said as she got up sticking her tongue out at Hind.
Hind looked at her friend over her shoulder, watching how easily Sara introduced herself and started chatting with the guy.
"He's not bad looking actually" thought Hind, "Well too skinny for my taste, but tall and his face was hmm.. well intersting"

After that day Sultan became part of the girls' group and slowly Hind and Sultan became inseparable, he was the person that completed her.. he was her soulmate.

What if..(3)

Bandar Calling
“Haaaaaaaaaa? She called you telling you about the dream?” said Sara laughing.
“No, I was stupid enough to call HER!”
“Hahahaha.. you guys are so funny”
“What’s funny Sara? I’m 31 years old, how long do you think I can wait for her?”
“Wait for what Bandar? She doesn’t know you’re waiting for her” said Sara, “listen, she’s put herself in this dark place and..”
“Yes yes I know I know, I’m the only one who can get her out of it” he stopped and let out a long breath, “Sara you know I love her, from the first day I met her o ana I LOVE HER. You know, my sister knows, my family knows, everyone I know knows!!! Laish hy she DOESN’T!?”
“Asta’3ferallah” 
“Yes, we’re back to the she’s put herself in a dark place story”
“That’s unfair Bandar”
“Adry, but I’m pissed”
“Don’t ask me to talk to her”
“I won’t. I was talking to Maha yesterday..”
“And?”
“She thinks it’s time I move on”
“Nooooooooo Bandar..”
“I know.. I can’t even if I wanted to.. But she has a point.. I’ve been waiting for Hind for 8 years.. 7 of them I spent hoping that she will get over that idiot that broke her heart”
“You know that what happened wasn’t easy”
“And you think that what I’m going through is?”
“No..”
“Hmmm.. Allah Kareem. 5ala9 ana akalmek ba3dain”
“Shbetsawy?”
“Fe aish?”
“Hind..”
“The usual.. nothing..”
“ok.. Salem 3ala Maha”
“Yebla’3 inshallah”
She hung up the phone.. “Habla Hanood” she thought to herself.

What if.. (2)

“Uff.. I’m late as usual.. Elleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen where is the coal for my 3ood?”
“Comiiiing comiiing”
Hind put the 3ood on the burning coal and stood over it while she adjusted her abaya.
She ran down the stairs, her car waiting for her in front of the gate.
“Besmilla” she said turning on the AC and heading out to work. While driving she felt her phone vibrating in her handbag.
Bandar Calling
“Aloooo”
“9aba7 il5air ya gamar”
“Hahah ay gamar awal il9eb7.. 9aba7 ilnoor.. shlonik?”
“Tamam.. inty kaifek? Late as usual?”
“Eeee I dreamt of you know who” she said pouting
“hmm I’m guessing it was the bad dream”
“yes” she said quietly. Bandar was technically one of her best friend’s brothers; Maha her friend was Saudi and they met while they were all studying in London. Bandar was doing his PhD at that time while Maha was just starting her BA with Hind and Sara, after they finished their bachelors Maha decided that she’s had enough of London, while Sara and Hind wanted to continue their post grad studies, after Maha left the girls found Bandar to be somewhat of a replacement for his sister and became very close to him.. they never understood why he actually spared so much of his time, considering he was one of the guys ily kel banat London 7a6een 3ainhum 3alaih.
“any way… sha5bar Mahooya?”
“wallah il7amdlela.. very busy getting ready for the baby”
“Awww.. I wish I can come see her”
“You should.. you know she needs all the support she can get, she’s exhausted fighting off that mean sister-in-law”
“eee miskeena.. I hope that if I EVER get married akoon best friends m3 my sister-in-law” she said with a sad smile.
“Inshallah..” he said quietly, “anyway.. ana a5aleek.. I have a meeting to go to”
“But I didn’t tell you about my dream!”
“No need, I already know everything.. bye” and he hung up.
Hind stared at the phone.
“Shfeh ilyoum mn il9eb7” she shrugged her shoulders and parked her car to start a day at work.

What if.. (1)

قال صلى الله عليه وسلم : ( وإن أصابك شيء فلا تقل : لو أني فعلت كان كذا وكذا , ولكن قل : قدر الله , وما شاء فعل ; فإن لو تفتح عمل الشيطان ) 

People always wonder "what if.." and imagine how their life would go if they actually got what they wished for, but as they say "be careful what you wish for"

"Besmilla... a3ootho bellah mn ilshai6an"
Hind woke up, her body feeling sweaty and cold, she looked around her, it was still dark out side. Sighing, she picked up her phone to look at the time.
"Taw ilnas 3ala ildawam.. uff.."
She dialed no. 1 on her speed dial.
"Haaaaaaaa...?"
"Sarooo..."
"Uff Hindo, you wake me up at 3 am on a working day.. you better tell me it's something new"
"No.. it's not" said Hind slowly, "You know you're the only one I can talk to"
"No Hanood, I'm the only one who actually picks up the bloody phone at 3 am.. So tell me.. what was it?"
"The bad dream Saro"
Sara could hear the sadness in her best friend's voice, they were practically sisters. Sara and Hind met in highschool, constantly fought for the first two years and then all of a sudden became inseperable and no one knew how.
"Inzain gooly sh9ar?"
"Abad, the usuall.. he saw me and walked away"
"Te3awethy mn iblees.. goomy igry Qur'aan o rej3y namy bokra warana dawam"
"Yeah you're right, I have a long day tomorrow."
"5ala9 yallah, will we meet at lunch?"
"Madry bakalmech fe ildawam o benchoof"
"5air inshallah"
She hung up the phone and stared at the ceiling thinking to her self, "it's been 7 years, when will I get over him?"

My friend..

Something about you makes me smile, your good mornings, your voice, even your name.. you warned me when we first met, that I will fall in love with you, I laughed, I called you conceited and arrogant, but now I know that I was the arrogant one, thinking I was too smart to fall in love; too smart to fall in love with someone who would never love me back.

I smile for you a hundred smiles my friend, the I love you smile when you're not looking, the I miss you smile when I see you after a long time, the I don't care smile when you tell me about a new crush and the most painfully sad smile, when I look at myself in the mirror every night and admit that I love the one I cannot have.

Should I tell you that I love you my friend? You scare me, you confuse me, I feel lost with you and I feel more lost without you. I feel so many different things at the same time when I'm with you, love, hate, pride, fear, sadness, happiness; I'm a combination of conflicting feelings all wrestling inside me and I don't know what to do.

Tell me my friend, what would you do?

Looking Back..

"What are you thinking of?"
"Nothing.."
"Come on.."
"I'm thinking.. no.. I was wishing for something.."
"What?"
"I was wishing that I could turn back time.."
He sighed, his hands gripping hers tighter,
"Would you still love me?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes"
"If I knew what I know now, if I knew that you would leave me, that you would break my heart, that I would suffer without you, that I would pray for you and wait for you.. that I would lose you.."
"I'm sorry.."
"Yes, I would still love you, with every part of my being I would love you.. but I would cherish you more, I would experience more, I would see more.. I would even love you more, if that was physically possible..because I would know that my time with you is not infinate, that someone else owns this time, someone else is coming after me, someone more permanent.."
"I want you to be my permanent"
"I'm not meant for you.."
"I'm only me with you.."
"You have someone else.."
"I have nothing without you.. we can continue yesterday.."
"You already have a today, and she has your tomorrow.."
"Then be my future.."
"Maybe someone else is my furture.. but you will always be my best yesterday.. the most beautiful day in my life.."

When you look at me..

I felt my heart beating wildly inside my chest, the usual pain that grips it when I see you starting to spread, sending the butterflies directly to my stomach and weakening the muscles that support my knees.


How is it that after all these years you still have this effect on me? Why isn't my older, wiser self stronger than my teenage self? These are questions I might never be able to answer, questions that I've been asking myself for years and yet find no answers to.

My God, all I want to do is run to you, to hold you, to cry against your shoulders, and to tell you that I missed you, that I forgive you and that I know you missed me too. No, I won't say I love you, because that word cannot describe what I feel for you, no word can, no poems, no books. All you need to know, you'll see in my eyes.

This is it.


Our eyes meet, we both scream, with the anguish of the years that separated us, with the pure love we shared, the happy moments we lived and the future we might have.


And then I see your eyes breaking away from me, someone else has taken your attention, her small hand grabbing your strong one, the other one directing your face to hers. An innocent smile spreads across her face as she calls your name, but the name she calls you was not the name I wished good night to, not the name I called in my dreams, not the name I write in my notes. I stare at her lips as I see them forming the name.. 'Daddy' she called you.

And I see the other women behind you.

I look at her and look at you, as you look at me, your eyes screaming to me again, screaming with sadness, with apology and with regret.



I don't know what my eyes are telling you at this moment. I myself am lost for words.


If I could talk I would tell you that no one won in our sad game, you lost me and I lost you, and sadly we both remain prisoners in the small cage we built with our hands. Prisoners of the memories, prisoners of the lost happiness and the future we dreamt of, the one that will never come.

I look away, my heart slows down, my knees grow stronger, my feet start taking me away from you, again.

But the pain in my heart remains as I once again leave you behind.

Choice..

It was my choice to leave.. but you knew I'd be back..

When it was your time to leave.. I thought you'd be back..

And I'm still waiting..

Promising tomorrow..

She fiddled with her earrings with trembling fingers, as he sat across the room staring at her. She could feel his dark eyes boring into her soul, seeking her darkest secrets. She moved her hand slowly from her ear to her now cold cup of tea, her long slender fingers fidgeting with the once white china. What did he want? She wondered, or did he even want anything? Maybe she was imagining things; maybe he wasn’t staring at her. She shook her head absentmindedly; no, she wasn’t imagining, she can’t possibly be imagining those eyes burning into her own. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on the book in front of her.

He stood up abruptly, pulling his eyes away from hers slowly, taking in her trembling hands and the confused look in her big, brown eyes. He walked deliberately close to her, breathing in her faint, flowery scent and sighed as he swiftly left the room. Tomorrow, he promised himself, tomorrow he will have the courage to tell her that he knows, that he understands her pain and that one day, he will make it better.

Good night..

Remember when.. life was you and me.. and our biggest regret was sleeping without saying good night..