“Saif?”
“Ya 3yoona”
“Saif..”
“Shfeech 7abeeby? Are you ok? You look worried, don’t be
worried 7abeeby Sara said everything should be ok.”
“Yeah, no no I’m not worried about that. I just, I don’t
know..”
How was I supposed to tell him about my decision when he was
looking at me like this? How was I supposed to tell him when he was holding
both my hands in his, rubbing my wrist with his thumb, sending my heart into
overdrive so that the sound of my blood rushing around my body was drowning all
my thoughts.
“Shfeech 7abeeby? You’re getting me worried”
“Saif..”
“Yes?”
“I can’t breathe.”
“Did you see a doctor? What’s wrong? What do you feel?”
“No no, it’s not.. it has nothing to do with a doctor.. I
just.. it’s..”
He looked at me, realization hitting him, his eyes, as if
the light was switched off in them.
“I can’t breathe” I whispered again.
“No.”
“Saif I’m..”
“No, I won’t let you do this” but he let go of my hands. I
could feel the tears dropping down my face, the weight lifting off my chest. I
took in a huge breath,
“See? I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe..”
“STOP!” he yelled at me banging the table “I said I won’t
let you do this, you drag me all the way to London to tell me you’re dumping
me? You put me through hell, no you put my family through hell to now tell me
you don’t want this? No, no, no! I will not let you sabotage this, I will not
allow you to break us apart, because you, you don’t know what you want! You’re
a spoilt child who doesn’t know a good thing when she sees it. So stop crying,
wash your face, we’re getting married whether you like it or not!”
My sobs shook my body, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t
understand that I love him so much, I love him enough to not want him to be
with someone like me, I want him to be with someone who loves him more than I
love myself. He doesn’t know the real me.
“You don’t understand.. you don’t know me! Talal is not
Sara’s boyfriend he was mine! well he's hers now but, but I knew him and I knew others! You deserve better,
you shouldn’t end up with someone like me, someone broken you shouldn’t..”
“I said shut up.” He was so calm, so cold. “I knew you knew
others before, it was obvious, I’m not an idiot. I didn’t think you’d have the
audacity to still be with them.."
“No, no nooo.. no I’m not I swear I’m not, I just, you
deserve better.. and I can’t breathe Saif I can’t. I swear, I don’t know, I’m
so happy yet I feel like something bad is about to happen, I thought it was
Talal but it’s not, it’s you. I don’t
deserve you and I don’t want you to leave me but if you will leave me then
leave me now, so I know, so I can breathe again. I can’t do this, I feel like I
don’t.. I can’t be happy, this is all too good and I don’t know good, nothing
good ever happens to me..”
“7ala..”
“Yes?”
“We’re getting married. Shut up.”
And then I breathed.
