Diary of M

When you look at me..

2011-12-03T23:43:00.000+03:00

I felt my heart beating wildly inside my chest, the usual pain that grips it when I see you starting to spread, sending the butterflies directly to my stomach and weakening the muscles that support my knees.

How is it that after all these years you still have this effect on me? Why isn't my older, wiser self stronger than my teenage self? These are questions I might never be able to answer, questions that I've been asking myself for years and yet find no answers to.

My God, all I want to do is run to you, to hold you, to cry against your shoulders, and to tell you that I missed you, that I forgive you and that I know you missed me too. No, I won't say I love you, because that word cannot describe what I feel for you, no word can, no poems, no books. All you need to know, you'll see in my eyes.

This is it.

Our eyes meet, we both scream, with the anguish of the years that separated us, with the pure love we shared, the happy moments we lived and the future we might have.

And then I see your eyes breaking away from me, someone else has taken your attention, her small hand grabbing your strong one, the other one directing your face to hers. An innocent smile spreads across her face as she calls your name, but the name she calls you was not the name I wished good night to, not the name I called in my dreams, not the name I write in my notes. I stare at her lips as I see them forming the name.. 'Daddy' she called you.

And I see the other women behind you.

I look at her and look at you, as you look at me, your eyes screaming to me again, screaming with sadness, with apology and with regret.

I don't know what my eyes are telling you at this moment. I myself am lost for words.

If I could talk I would tell you that no one won in our sad game, you lost me and I lost you, and sadly we both remain prisoners in the small cage we built with our hands. Prisoners of the memories, prisoners of the lost happiness and the future we dreamt of, the one that will never come.

I look away, my heart slows down, my knees grow stronger, my feet start taking me away from you, again.

But the pain in my heart remains as I once again leave you behind.

Old posts..

2011-06-03T01:06:00.003+03:00

For everyone who's been asking about my old posts, I've put them up on the link below and i'll be continuing the stories there.

Enjoy :)

http://diaryrevival.wordpress.com/

Choice..

2011-04-15T00:55:00.002+03:00

It was my choice to leave.. but you knew I'd be back..

When it was your time to leave.. I thought you'd be back..

And I'm still waiting..

Promising tomorrow..

2011-04-12T21:53:00.000+03:00

She fiddled with her earrings with trembling fingers, as he sat across the room staring at her. She could feel his dark eyes boring into her soul, seeking her darkest secrets. She moved her hand slowly from her ear to her now cold cup of tea, her long slender fingers fidgeting with the once white china. What did he want? She wondered, or did he even want anything? Maybe she was imagining things; maybe he wasn’t staring at her. She shook her head absentmindedly; no, she wasn’t imagining, she can’t possibly be imagining those eyes burning into her own. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on the book in front of her.

He stood up abruptly, pulling his eyes away from hers slowly, taking in her trembling hands and the confused look in her big, brown eyes. He walked deliberately close to her, breathing in her faint, flowery scent and sighed as he swiftly left the room. Tomorrow, he promised himself, tomorrow he will have the courage to tell her that he knows, that he understands her pain and that one day, he will make it better.

Good night..

2011-04-12T21:16:00.001+03:00

Remember when.. life was you and me.. and our biggest regret was sleeping without saying good night..

New York..

2011-02-20T00:09:00.002+03:00

Missed writing.. and I guess the New York skyline begs you to be creative :) hope all's good with everyone..

****

Something about the cold brings me back to you.

Different city, different time, but same icy wind blowing my hair away in different directions, threatening to take me off the ground. You were never there with me physically, only in my head, but somehow the connection between you and the cold, still exists. Maybe because I ran away from you, to the cold. Or maybe because the heat had too much of us.

Today I’m in a new city, trying to find a new me, but somehow I still see us in every corner.

Out..

2010-11-15T00:18:00.001+03:00

I’m tired. A word I keep repeating to myself over and over again, but tired of what?
Today I emptied my long neglected drawers, and dusted the books you once handed over to me, each signed with your name, each carrying your sweet words, the words that I, in my bitterness have torn away years ago.

I sat on my bed and flipped through my memories of you, each line brought back something; a touch of your fingers, a good morning whisper, I closed my eyes and I almost felt it. I traced my fingers on the smooth pages, hoping to find the faint imprint of your writing.

I realized a few years ago that I was tired, tired of waiting for you. I cried and rebelled, until it broke everything inside me, but I somehow managed to salvage some parts and started waiting – again, for someone, like you who will be able to fix what I couldn’t.

I realize now that this person should be me; I shouldn’t be waiting – I should be fixing – but until I can find the strength to do so, I will remain to be tired, my words will remain hollow and meaningless, so I will say good bye until then.

Thank you for being wonderful readers, please do feel free to email me on diary.of.m@gmail.com at any time.